Sometimes it prevent me to going out.
I used to think that the reason I felt uncomfortable walking in the city was because the environment wasn't conducive enough to walk, at least for me. The crowds, cat-calling, all those external factors. But recently I realized something else. One fine morning while I was walking close to nature, there were no crowds nor group of people gathered on the side of the street as I sometimes find in the city (which makes me feel intimidated), however I still felt uncomfortable. That’s when I realized I have a fear of being perceived.
This is something I’ll never be able to explain. Because why I had the fear of being perceived in the first place? I don’t even know. People don’t care about us as much as we thought they would, I get it. But the uncomfortable feeling of being perceived is very difficult to explain. This article says: This fear can stem from the subconscious belief that one’s differences will be scrutinized or judged negatively by others, which is often created through numerous uncomfortable or judgemental social interactions.
Exactly. But not really. How do I explain it?😂 in my case, one’s differences will be scrutinized or judged negatively by others, is transform to the fact that I walk alone, so I somewhat anticipate that people will see me as a lonely person. Which even if they do think like that, so what? Sometimes I get frustrated when I feel uncomfortable just because I see other people looking at me. And also where I come from, I feel like “walking” isn't a form of exercise that many people make it into a habit. So sometimes I justify my fear because of that too.
I can feel uncomfortable even when people who passing me while I'm walking are riding their motorbikes, which means they only see me for a few seconds and the chances of us meeting again are absolutely 0%. From the article I mentioned earlier, there are reasons why people fear of being perceived. One of them is Hyperawareness of Behavior—which I don’t think I’ve reached that level yet—from that article is like constantly mask or monitor themselves, second-guessing every word, movement, or expression.
But the article also mention Heightened Self-Criticism, an internalized critical voice which may feel like they’re constantly falling short of societal standards. This one feels more reasonable to me because as I wrote earlier, I often have an inner voice like, “Do I look so lonely? Do people think I’m lonely?”. Although it’s not just when I walking alone; that voice often arises when I’m doing any kind of activities by myself.
And I’m aware that sometimes our fear of being perceived is based on how we perceived others, right? But for me, in this case, when I see people walking alone, I never silently judge them, but rather admire their confidence and willingness to maintain the habit. Seeing people overcome their fear of being perceived (even though I don’t know for sure whether they have it or not), often motivates me to overcome my own fears as well. I still try my best to go out and walk even if it’s just once every few days, because as I wrote a while ago, I never regret it.
Another reason is that I also aware of the potential dangers if I don’t try to overcome it. At its extreme level, I feel like it can lead to Withdrawing from Social Connections, as the article says. While that may feel as the right thing to do at the time, it can lead to feeling of loneliness even more. Or worse, it will lead to isolation due to feelings of increasing disconnection from others.
I think the reason I’m writing this, is also to reflect that there are many reasons why developing certain habits doesn't come as easily to some people as others. Even something as simple as walking, sometimes people have unspoken reasons why they don’t do it even when they really want to. Anyway, thanks for reading as always! I hope you enjoy your walk whenever you do :)