What's next? Where do I feel good? What makes me feel happy? Just some of those random questions we have from time to time. Recently, I've asked myself these questions every day. I live in a German city and I hardly visit the city centre. Last week I did and I got lost. Not literally, but emotionally. The chaos and rawness tried to wake me up. I will tell a story about feeling like a stranger in a room.
The last time I really enjoyed being in this city, was with white powder
Dreams vs. Reality
Years ago I gave up a normal house and an office job. Perfect timing, when the first lockdown started. I bought a campervan and started to look for a better place...also know as 'paradise'. I've had my chances to start a new life somewhere else, but I wanted it to be perfect (part of my original character). I was looking for a nice piece of land with a cosy mansion on it. Being self-sustainable, living in a better climate. Living more in the green hills, not too far from the ocean. Enjoy life, being outdoors and escape the rat race. After all the burn-outs, I didn't want a bore-out. One thing I managed to achieve, the last few years weren't boring at all. But perfect? No way! It was a period full of damage. Not only on the campervan, but also physically. The past few months I spend quite some time and money on research, concerning my health. The outcome? Nothing! It didn't bring me any further and I still don't know what is going on or how to feel better. Is it all between the ears then? Well, thinking (about it) is happening constantly between the ears.
This could be a better place to live, Madeira
Vanlife wasn't exactly as I expected. Of course, I had nice days. But 30% of the year the van is in a garage somewhere. And the 'experts' managed to fuck up several times. The most recent saga will be posted the coming week. During the lockdown years it was quite fun, not too busy. Good weather. Crazy and fun adventures. And then it all changed. Was it the start of the bear-market? That also helped in putting the dreams aside. I felt homeless, when the van was gone for a longer period. I slept at so many places and on so many couches (without being an official couch surfer). I had to volunteer for accommodation. I had a serious bike accident, that stopped me in feeling fit and doing the outdoors sports that I like. And there were some intense negative interactions, that sucked me into an emotional rollercoaster. The last six months I spent most time in Germany. I am very happy that my German girlfriend was there at the right moment.
A random walk around the city centre of Köln. And I am worried about different paint on my van?!
Nomad Nohome
If I look back at my life, I lived at around 50 different places. I think I can call myself a nomad. Some places felt like home and I officially owned a home for 18 years. The Netherlands doesn't feel like home anymore. But, the issues in my former home country can be seen all over the world. So, that means I need to search for another planet? The past 6 months I lived mostly at the same place, but did I ever see it as a new home? It feels more like I was in a waiting room. Waiting for a van to be ready, not knowing it would take almost 4 months. Waiting for results for my health research. Waiting for new destinations. Waiting to make new plans. I could not really make a plan, because of all the uncertain factors. I live in my girlfriends apartment now, it's her place and her office. Besides the neighbors, I don't know anyone here. I miss to talk to people in my own language. I spent the grey winter days inside the house, arranging things and reorganizing my life. While having a roof above my head and living together with my German girlfriend, it's still a bit like not feeling home. It could be the strong connection with my mobile home, that was missing all these months. Funny, having luxury and missing minimalistic life.
Even a dark painting can cheer up the concrete walls
A taste of the raw edges
This post was actually about a walk. It sounds more like a mental walk through the past years. These thoughts came up, while walking around the city of Köln. Mostly, I walk the same route in the green part of the city. Last week we went downtown. I can still remember that the city was so beautiful with all the snow, a few months ago. Last week it looked totally different. The city is not that romantic and pretty. It had a bit of a raw vibe. A lot of concrete, traffic that easily got stuck, industrial scenery. In between you could see the colorful street art: graffiti, funny stickers, messages. A good mix of different people. It felt much more alive than the relaxing area with similar white houses where I live. There were nice little coffee corners, with delicious cakes. Just sitting on a cosy couch inside and watch the city walk by. Looking at all the different people. The line of colorful teens waiting for a concert. Forget about time and just have a bit of fun. I liked being in the city centre and realized that I can not live fulltime on the countryside. I need these city vibes from time to time. I can easily adapt to an environment and this day I felt kind of like being in a hometown. I am a bit like a Kameleon, easily adapting to each environment. Although I don't like to be inVI(N)sible and I don't like the food menu of the Kameleon. It took a while to discover this town and I am not done yet. You see, the longer you stay in the waiting room, the more you start to know about the environment.
Several images during the city walk
The intense emotions keep being around. Lot's of things happening in my family and with some close friends. Topics of death. People getting angry. People calling me weird...a stranger in a room. Van issues, health issues. The brain is on fire 24-hours a day, even in my dreams (they are getting weird). It makes me tired. I know that many people experience daily worries, and those worries can be a lot worse. I should feel more lucky, with the life I live. Not that easy for a hypersensitive character. I see several people close around me being lost. It is a combination of many factors and major events that can make us feel blind in the darkness. We should realize that experiencing the raw edges of life is just a proces, it's part of life. Little things can easily bring us back on track.
Darkness will end
This sign also made me smile. "Muschi Service"?
My dirty mind made me think about something else...
Sometimes I get some sweets at the bakery, when I feel sad. Last week an angry dentist made some rude comments about my belly. Hey....At least I didn't have any cavities after all that sweet stuff :) What I am trying to say with this, don't get distracted by negative emotions, there is always something that can bring a smile on your face.
All pictures are mine, taken with a Samsung S23 Ultra
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