Remember last issue when Fairchild, Rainmaker, and Grunge all woke up on that weird island, but we didn't know what happened to Burnout and Freefall? Well, have no fear mateys: we're about to learn what terrible, tragic fate befell our laconic layabout and our Qeelock-keeping ingenue in Gen 13 #4, with part two of this tale of high-seas hijinks entitled, "Tourist Trap"!
What?
No, I don't understand it either. Let's see what's going on.
Well, well, well . . . if it ain't Roxy in the kitchen. Anna would be proud. Though in this case, she's not doing the dishes, she's doing the cooking. She's also suffering from ye olde Crimson Wave, because of course she is. That's how things get worse for women in comics, don't you know? I mean, when they aren't being locked in refrigerators or thrown off buildings.
The company Freefall's forced to keep are the very same guys who smashed into the team's boat last issue. The crew fished them out of the ocean before they became shark kibble, and then tossed her in the scullery as the de facto kitchen wench. And who are these terrors of the high seas, these rascally rogues, these storm-tossed swindlers of the south seas? Have a look:
Find a more appropriate usage of the phrase "brutally ugly, high-maintenance butt-pirates" in comics. I'll wait.
Also, if Roxy's "surfing the crimson wave" as she reported in her diary entry up there, then why doesn't she have any underwear on under those cut-offs?
Anyway, while Freefall produces meals unfit for death row inmates ('woman incapable of cooking' isn't an overdone comic trope at all), Burnout gets to hang with the rest of the dudes because, as Captain Lucius Morgan puts it, his ability to set things on fire makes him a morale booster. So, since Burnout and Freefall will need the good captain's help to rescue their castaway friends, she's simply got to put up with their shenanigans until they're ready to strike.
Roxy consoles herself by thinking about Grunge, hoping he's OK and wondering if he's thinking about her.
Nope.
Turns out this island is sort of a "chicks only" establishment, so when the occasional male does drop by, he gets to participate in the ol' pants-off dance-off to keep the population growing. These women are members of the Coda, by the way. We haven't seen them in Gen 13 before, barring that brief panel at the end of the previous issue, but readers of other Wildstorm books, especially WildC.A.T.s, will know the Coda as a faction of nearly-immortal warrior women formerly led by Zealot, and who trained Cole Cash, aka "Grifter" of Team 7.
While Grunge bone-storms the Coda breeders, Rainmaker's been interrogated by some of the other sisters. The Coda believe she's in cahoots with the pirates who have Burnout and Freefall, but Rainmaker insists she doesn't know anything about them. Majestrix, leader of the Coda, has Rainmaker brought to her for a little one-on-one:
. . . but Rainmaker's not saying anything. Interestingly enough, Grunge can't understand a word the women say to him, but Rainmaker has no trouble talking to them, meaning she either took 'Coda' as an elective in high school, or the Coda switch back and forth between their own language and English as they like.
Insulted at being labeled "harmless", Rainmaker proceeds to beat the crap out of two Coda warriors . . .
. . . which gets her dog-piled by the rest of the guards and hauled off to the dungeon. Afterward, the Majestrix throws some shade at Daphne, her attendant, asking her why she doesn't have the same warrior spirit as this outsider. Daphne can only apologize. Looking at Daphne and comparing her to the other Coda, you might notice something 'different' about her. She has wild, wavy hair and a darker complexion, while the rest of the Coda sport brighter, straighter locks and much paler skin. Now we learn she doesn't care for fighting, while the rest of the tribe consists solely of warriors preparing for a "blood ritual". That doesn't sound fun.
Elsewhere on the island, Caitlin steps on a claymore mine which just happens to blow her into the cockpit of a downed World War II-era bomber and into the arms of a young rogue-looking explorer sort. This is Bruce Campbell James McArthur, the missing grandson of Mrs. McArthur who financed the world trip for the Gen 13 kids. Turns out he's the only member of the expedition who's still alive--the rest were caught by the Coda weeks ago, and he's not anxious to share their fate.
Back on the pirate ship, Burnout and Captain Lucius share some words on the top deck. Lucius explains he's after the Coda for revenge. Years ago, he met one of them on the island. She fell in love with him, which was against Coda law. He was banished from the island, while she was kept prisoner until she gave birth, then killed for her indiscretion. Lucius swore he'd come back to rescue his daughter, which is why he and his crew have been hanging around the island, waiting for the right time to strike.
Gee, you think Daphne might be his kid? I don't know, guys, maybe we should keep reading.
Back on the island, Daphne sneaks Rainmaker some food. The two of them talk, and Rainmaker convinces Daphne to help her escape and meet up with her friends, in exchange for getting her off the island.
Unfortunately, another Coda was eavesdropping on their conversation. That's not good!
Meanwhile:
Having explained how and why she's on Coda Island, Caitlin's thrilled to learn McArthur knows where her friends might be, even if he hasn't seen them himself. She throws a bit of a pity party, blaming herself for getting them into the situation, but after she trips and falls into McArthur's lap, it's implied his beautiful eyes (and some of his other anatomical bits) are going to help her forget that trouble for a bit. Looks like the Grunge-man ain't the only one crashing the ol' custard truck in this issue.
BOW-CHICKA-BOW-WOW!
But we can't go more than a page without perspective-hopping, so now we're back in the Coda dungeon, where Daphne's unlocking Rainmaker. Where they go and what they find has to wait though, because after just three panels, we switch to John Lynch, looking like a one-eyed, claw-less Wolverine stomping through Narita Airport on his way to Madagascar, when suddenly . . . !
Now, we just saw in Ordinary Heroes that Lynch has access to some seriously high-tech gadgets. Why on earth is he taking commercial flights around the world? That's, like, just asking for I/O to pull something like this. The Black Hammers deploy a sonic disruption field to prevent him from pulling the same stunt he did back in Vol. 1, Issue 5, and then . . .
. . . well, it's back to Coda Island, where Fairchild and McArthur have finished the four-legged foxtrot and are now reconnoitering the enormous citadel where, if you remember, the Amazons are preparing for the "blood ritual". But just in case you forgot what a hottie Fairchild is, Campbell's got this two-page spread to remind us just how 90s a 90s book this is:
To be continued . . . in your pants!
Yup. Looks like the organ grinding session from yesterday inspired Fairchild to ditch everything but her butt floss and 'go native' in the truest sense of the phrase. No idea where she got the necklace, the leather thongs, or that katana, but none of that matters, cuz it's time to pound some ass. Or, as @blewitt would say, "Put some Ranch Dressing in the ol' Hidden Valley".
I don't understand people from New Jersey either.
That might be all for this month's main course, but Tom McWeeney is back for part two of his "Robot Ruckus" filler, which brings us the next 8 pages of tomfoolery as he mercilessly mocks everything from the mess of Issue #1 variant covers to gratuitous cheesecake, rabid fanboyism to Grunge's mental deficiency when faced with female skin. But my absolute favorite panel is right here:
. . . where we see Lynch's scars up close for the first time and learn someone used his face for a Tic-Tac-Toe board. :D
Then it's off to the letter page, where reader feedback is still very much split on Rainmaker's sexuality either ruining the book or being no big deal. Whoever's answering the fan mail (Sarah Becker?) gets snarkier with her responses as the column goes on--by the end of it, the replies are borderline dickish in tone. One fan asks where each of the Gen 13 kids are from, and the editor responds, "Tokyo, Milan, Paris, New York, London." Not one of those answers is truthful, and it's a rather mean-spirited way to respond to someone who, it appears, just missed the first mini-series and is understandably curious.
Final Score:
out of
As the middle part of a trilogy, this one really suffers from an overabundance of exposition. Campbell was clearly having trouble hitting his deadlines, as Jim Lee jumped in to help him pencil some of the scenes in this issue, and even then, it's only 20 pages long. While this gives McWeeney eight pages to play with for the middle part of his parody, it has the effect of making everything in this issue feel more rushed than it should. Considering there's already a crap-ton of "Meanwhiles" and "Elsewheres" happening, along with a distinct lack of action (except for Grunge, who gets to violate the Prime Directive like he's James T. Kirk) this hurts the overall narrative. We hit the end and it feels like we just spent twenty minutes traveling half a mile down the street.
Will issue #5 redeem the series and get it back on course? You'll have to tune in next time to find out, fellow krunk-heads, because this 90s kid is Audi 5000, if you know what I'm saying!
Who am I kidding. Even I don't know what I'm saying.