Carrying on from my last post on @comedyopenmic on how to hypnotize a chicken which you can find here, I was surprised at the amount of fanfare that the post received. Some were terrified of chickens, some hated the things, some were even about to exact their revenge on their own chickens after being traumatized as a child. The comments were endless. Clearly chickens needed some comeuppance and hypnotizing them was a great way of getting back at them. For myself though I have no beef with chickens and they have no beef with me. My chicken rather enjoyed his trance like state and there was not that much of a backlash when I rubbed the line of chalk out. I have a bigger problem, let's say a huge problem. Before we carry on , this is a true story by the way. My public enemy number one is THE CROW.
DAH DAH DAHHHHHHHHH
So being from Ireland where the grass is green, plenty of worms and insects and it is never too cold which means we have plenty of species of birds. I moved into my house when I got married. The area was nice, leafy suburb. Before we had kids we decided to test the water and get a pet. We both worked so we couldn't really leave a dog on its own all day so we got a cat. This was a big long black Tom cat who was afraid of no man, woman or dog for that matter. He seemed to be happy with his new found abode and decided he was going to show us his appreciation. A cat's appreciation is to murder everything smaller than it within a 200 meter radius and bring them back on the doorstep. Now we all know a cat brings back the odd gift in the form of a mouse but this cat was a bit different. He killed so many things that I thought it would be funny to do an excel sheet of the killing spree. The cat is called Jeff by the way after Jeff Stelling from Sky Sports.
"UNBELIEVABLE JEFF"
Anyway Everyone Meet Jeff my cat. The little guy beside him is my son who absolutely adores him.
Mays Murder Rate
This is what he killed in 30 days. I had to look into cat theory and if you go mad at them bringing you home a little gift then that means they are doing a good job and they will want to give you more presents. It all came to a head when he brought a half dead/ half alive rat into our living room and left it squirm in front of my wife while she screamed in horror. The day before he took a half dead crow in and he shit all over the curtains after crashing into the window trying to escape certain death. The bad part for me was putting the feathered victims out of their misery. A job I think the cat was trying to train me to do by bringing in a half dead animal. He was training me to kill. Enough was enough so we got him a bell for his collar and hoped the killing spree would stop a month later.
June's Murder Rate
The bell was a failure. The vet said it made him even stealtier. He honed his skills during the bell stage and it turned him into a cat rambo. It was like watching a ninja in action. He would keep his neck dead straight so the bell wouldn't ring. He increased his kill ratio of crows and starlings. The cat flap was locked at this stage so I would come out every morning to find a couple of headless birds waiting for me on the porch. Jeff loved a birds head. It was his delicacy. I can't see what he saw in a crow's head though. Fucking disgusting.
One worrying aspect the following month is that the crows started organising themselves over fear of extinction so they employed a couple of lookout crows to account for the cat's whereabouts at all times.
One covering the back garden and the other the front of the house. The crows were being wiped out at a prenominal rate so they had a meeting in a nest nearby and decided that Jeff was to be monitored 24/7. The starlings did the same. So everywhere the cat went, there was a couple of bird following his every move. We would know where the cat was at any given time by judging which direction the cawing was. We got a dog at this stage. I bring him for walk before work every morning. The cat comes with us around the block. And so do 5 crows , 3 starlings a pigeon and a couple of magpies. The old woman up the road thinks I am some kind of spawn of Satan with the birds attacking us.
The crows have decided to make me and the dog guilty by association and we regularly get dive bombed leaving the house. The poor aul dog looks up at me as if to say, "I have nothing to do with the cat" so I give him a rub to reinforce that he's a good boy.
Even now when I am going out somewhere I get escorted out of the area by 4 cawing crows. My friends when they visit find this absolutely hilarious but having a target on my back by a murder of crows gets annoying sometimes so I am thinking of buying a pellet gun for protection. I tried hypnotism but it doesn't work on the crows unfortunately.
I recorded agent crow from the day watch dive bombing Jeff while he strolled down the road. This is a daily occurrence. One day he did a ninja backflip and took out a crow from the day watch. It was the greatest kill I have ever seen.
Source
So there you have it. My arch enemies are the neighborhood crows. It's tough being me.!