A Michigan feline named Toulouse has scooped the top prize at this year’s NCA - a competition held in California that runs in parallel with the NCF (National Cat Fanciers) show, beating out stiff competition from all across the country with a pure-white balloon knot of an arse that judges described as ‘mesmerisingly spotless’.
Every cat entered in the NCA show is evaluated and judged according to a written standard for its breed. These include head shape, bone structure, coat color and texture, as well as cleanliness, overall health and condition.
Dwight Morrison, owner of the 4-year-old Siamese pussy from Colon, Michigan, going by the name 'Toulouse', explained to Fox News host Tucker Carlson the moment he felt Toulouse had a hole that was shiny enough to be entered into the National Cat's Arse competition after months of observation.
“I was watching the last episode of Ozark on Netflix earlier in the year with my girlfriend and she paused the TV halfway through and said: "Dwight, are you watching Ozark or just staring at Toulouse’s arse?"
"And I had to admit, I was looking at the cat’s arse” said Morrison, jubilant after the NCA-NCF victory.
"Toulouse was contorting her body in such a way as to place her tongue within licking distance of an orifice she normally defecates from and proceeded to intensely lick at it, pausing only to make awkward eye contact with me before continuing tonguing the life out of the one spot -her arsehole- for a good 25 minutes"
"I tried to pretend she wasn't doing it, and I know it sounds weird, but I think it’s a sort of power thing for her, to like, let me know, she’ll lick it whenever she wants and where she wants.."
“That’s when I knew that Toulouse had what it takes to beat all these other cats."
"It was also the day when my girlfriend left me”. continued the proud cat owner.
NCA judges admitted that at one point they suspected some sort of foul play on Morrison's behalf, such was the eye-catching cleanliness of Toulouse’s balloon-knotted sphincter, but a routine anus inspection for outside interference proved that the Michigan pussy was on the level and not tampered with.
“We’ve had people use make-up to brighten the hole, make it pinker. We had one competitor who tippexed his cat’s arse. So we suspected an illegal substance when Toulouse came walking past with the tail up, but no; it’s all 100% cats arse, absolutely surgically clean”.
Despite the stunning victory and a place in the International Cat’s Hole World Cup Final, Toulouse remains as distant and unfriendly as ever, unfussed by anything, just walking around, weird hole licking and showing, not a care in the world.