I have actually spent the last few days contemplating on what to write for this Dating Chronicles prompt and it's been hell having to go through my head to relive the funny moments in my dating life. For someone like me who has lived a very timid and lonely life, if I wanted to write about my dating life (funny or not), it would be such a short and funny joke that you'd think I'm siblings with Kevin Hart.
Is it about the one who couldn't spell her name and kept calling me "Jellow"(Yellow)? or the one that had a deep baritone voice and got me traumatized because whenever she moaned, I felt like I was sleeping with a fellow man? I don't have jokes to tell, just short traumas to dispense.
Now I remember one that might not be that traumatic after all, especially since I'm telling it to jokers. So I had this beautiful lady that I really had a hunch for. She was beautiful and above all classy, so much that I thought she was out of my league, except that she wasn't playing in the league at all.
I eventually got to hook up with her, because she also secretly fancied me. And yes she fancied me because I'm a fine boy. I'm so fine that she decided to join the league. But she did not come alone, she brought two of her friends. There was no problem at all until they decided to go take a pee by the nearby bush.
I couldn't help myself, so I decided to take a peep at them as they urinated. Don't judge me please, I was young and naive. But then I noticed that that their pee was just splashing everywhere, even to the legs. Confused, I called my experienced cousin to ask why that was that, and he just laughed and told me that it's because "they're hoes" then the phone went dead.
Innocent me was very confused about what my cousin said. I knew that they can't be a farming tool, as it makes no sense. So I rushed home to experiment on the next idea. I turned on the pumping machine and connected different sizes of hose. BOOM! Clarity. So they're hose and it's all about drilling. The wider the hose space, the more water it releases at a time. No wonder the splashes, maybe the hose is even torn.
We never saw again after that though, not because I found out about the hose, but because she thought I ran away from the bill.
Well, that wasn't my first experience with a weird dating situation. The first was between my aunty and one overseas returnee. The thing with Nigerians is our foreignization(didn't even know this word existed till just now: talk about learning on the joke) of everything. So much that even when we go to Cameroon, we cum back blacker, no porn intended.
So I innocently escorted my aunty to her date to see the nonentity that is ready to settle for such an ugly witch. And I was surprised, not for the dude, but for my aunty having to settle for such a wannabe loser. The phonetics was so forced in a bid to show that he "just go back", that I was disgusted at my aunty giggling sheepishly at his dry jokes with her make-up that made her look like an LGBTQ emblem. Again, no porn intended.
It was so unbearable that I had to lie to her that I was pressed and wanted to use the convenience. To my utter shock, the witch told the loser to escort me, so that I don't get lost. I guess I was doomed with this dude and I mentally prepared myself to manage it. But he wouldn't just leave me and decided to get friendly and courteous with his weird accent, going like
"Yo! Yo aunty 'a good wuumin" and I nodded
"She tings ah fook wid'em oda beeches, bur ah aint" , I nodded again with a warning smile that if he had any sense would've told him to stop. But no, he continued
"Bur ah only fook wid me niggas" I paused and looked up at him
"An dem kids as well" he added giving me a little nudge. I was aghast and started backtracking. He tried grabbing me and then asked why I was stepping back. That was when I had to open up to him
"I only have one hole, and its for shitting please" I cried out and took off without looking behind me. I got home exhausted, made a cross sign, grabbed my ass and said the Lord's prayer.
Please don't tell my aunty I said any of these. But in case you have a runny mouth that you can't control, I'll just tell her that This post is a submission to the
Paritae blogging competition "Dating Chronicles", which is true.
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