I'm pumped to have found Hive and psyched to share my ventriloquist act with all of you. Once it's ready (written).
Ventriloquism (ventriloquy) is the most unique of duets. Human and ventriloquial figure (we do NOT use the D word) bonded, for life, one shared soul, a singular entertaining unit. Once begun, the bonding process can only be undone by the death of ventriloquist or ventriloquial figure (this is why so many ventriloquists are murdered by their ventriloquial figure, by the way). Choosing with whom to enter into this irreversible bond is the single biggest decision a ventriloquist will make.
Following the Revised Bergen Method I've been honing my act for coming on seven years this February.
For those not familiar, here's how The Method's seven years break down:
- Three years of handless mouthwork
- One year of voiceless handwork
- Two years of combined mouth/hand sockwork
- 11.5 months of American Girl Doll work
- ⬅️ I am here
- Two weeks writing, refining, and practicing your act
Acquisition of one's ventriloquial figure is where the Bergen Method and its revised cousin part ways. Bergen strictly prescribes that once a ventriloquist has refined their act they must then work with a Bergen-certified ventriloquial figure artist, who handcrafts a figure custom suited to their act. Figures typical cost upwards of $125,000. The revised method is a little more practical and allows for the ventriloquial figure to be purchased off eBay during the act-creation process with material written to suit the purchased figure.
Here's the exciting part Hive. I want to include YOU in my figure-selection process. I've narrowed my future soulmate down to the five figures below. What I need from you is to read about each and, in the comments, tell me with whom I will be eternally bonded.
Boxing Man w/ Tattered Red QSR Visor
Pros:
- He boxes (material will write itself)
- Big smile, nice teeth
- Neck beard
Cons:
- Large nose pores (how to clean?)
- Only speaks German
- Criminal history/drinks
Cost: US $24.97
view on eBay
Ed Billings, Man in Dress
Pros:
- Short torso/long legs 100% matches my handwork style
- Mouth style accommodates working "blue"
- Apron included
Cons:
- No forearms
- Paper mache (no outdoor shows)
- Good hand feel in Ed's velvet pocket (distraction)
Cost: US $45.00
See on eBay
Seersucker Sam
Pros:
- Omniscient
- Pubic hair eyebrows (3 jokes already in progress)
- Knows how to tie a Windsor knot
Cons:
- Bloody lower lip appears permanent
- Right eye infected
- Likely murder-prone
Cost: US $1,400.00
Dapper Dan
Pros:
- Loose jaw
- Eyes are portal to 6th dimension
- Nice lining on jacket (maybe reversible?)
Cons:
- Previous bond mate is still alive somewhere
- Balding children figures are so 2018
- Price is too sexy
Cost: US $69.00
view on eBay
Doctor who Looks Like Kevin Spacey
Pros:
- Hard as fuck
- Is doctor (practical)
- My whole set can be ripped from a Twilight Zone episode
Cons:
- Lip curl will require at least two Elvis jokes. I don't know who that is
- Likely violates copyright belonging to Serling estate
- Has killed three previous bond mates
Cost: US $399.99
view on eBay
So those are my choices Hive. I'm looking forward to your comments helping my choose my irreversible bonded mate, and I can't wait for you to hear my act!