Rules, rules, rules...
#1 - Subscribe. Check
#2 - Nominate. We'll get to that
#3 - Include strange line in the title. Check
#4 - No recycling. Check... all my posts are strip mined
#5 - Link That Post in this post. Check
#6 - yawn... wait... how do I create a tag with capital letters? We'll # that later
#7 - Interact with at least...- WTF did I get into, a team building retreat?
#8 - ... by the time I'm done abiding by all these rules, the contest will be over
(Ladies and gentlemen, lets have a big round of applause for our last contestant!)
Mr. Telmi, you're up!
Wait, what? I haven't even finished going over the rules yet!
(Coming to the stage now, a newcomer with no prospects...)
That's you man! Get up there!
But wait! Shit, I haven't even had a drink yet...!
(...Hugh Telmi!)
...crickets... ...cough...
Uh, thank you everyone (fumbles and drops the mic)BOOM!(feedback) shit, sorry about that...
Thank you everyone, thanks for coming out! Sorry about that clumsy entrance, I still have a hangover from trying to get through all the rules to this contest. We may want to get an EMT on site, I think I saw two guys OD in the hallway before they got to rule #7.
...you suck!... ...get off the stage!
Buddy, if they would let me get off on stage I'd do this for free. Speaking of getting paid, if I get stiffed on this gig I'll also be sucking in the back alley until I come up with the rent.
So, I was trying to work out the rules while waiting in the green room. I think they call it the green room because so many first-timers turn green and barf with nerves before going onstage. That's not part of the rules, just some questionable nomenclature that I've wondered about.
Back to the rules... I'm supposed to nominate a couple other funny people to get up on the stage here. I'll start with @dandays, who nominated me, and probably already has a routine ready that he's staring at anxiously, waiting to pull the trigger and release it to the world. I'd also like to shout and see if we could get @small1axe to take the stage... it's been a while since any of his posts tickled my funny bone, and maybe this contest can coax him back to the land of content creators. In fact, I think I want to try for some extra credit
...brown noser!...
and also give a shout at @bulldog-joy, who has been having a spat of bad luck that can often translate into comedy gold.
Okay, lets see... cross posting allowed... need to interact (better smoke some weed)... must be in English (not very PC, bro)... gotta drop ANOTHER link... no short content...
Ha! I threw away any chance of this being short content before I finished talking about the rules.
...are you going to tell any jokes or what?!...
Well, dear heckler, I was going to, but I'm ashamed to say that nothing I had to say was as funny as your inability to sit still. Now please sir, control yourself for the rest of my set or I'm gonna downvote you!
(the crowd erupts into mayhem)
Whoa! Whoa! Hey everybody, I was kidding! This is supposed to be a comedy routine, right? Was that a fire extinguisher someone just threw? Please, if you could all just remain calm... I... (oh jeez, I can't believe I started another riot) um... ah...
... BUT HER EMAILS!
(crowd halts and looks up, slowly return to their seats)
I can't wait until they find those 30,000 deleted emails, I just know they're going to find out that Don Jr. is actually HIllary's son. They'll probably also find that missing Malaysian airplane. I'm actually a little disappointed in the Q qommunity, they had a perfect opportunity to fabricate 30,000 emails and just let it slide. They could have said that Hillary was an alien android sent here to sterilize god-fearing Christians with jury-rigged jumpsuit and half of America would have rejoiced and shouted "I knew it!"
Do you think Trump ever thinks of Hillary as the one that got away? If not for those pesky secret service guys, he could have had one more totally consensual rape under his belt. I mean, of course he had her back when the Trumps and Clintons were swinging together and toasting Beltaine on Epstein Island, but I just don't think wife swapping is as good for him as rape is. I mean, when he rapes, it's so good he forgets he ever even saw that girl. If someone ever asks Trump about Hillary and he says "I've never met that woman", you know he finally got that rape.
Speaking of rape, is that Biden kid in prison yet? The way the internet talks about him, he's doing so much cocaine that there won't be any left for the Trump boys. Do I have that right, or was the survivin' little Biden a pill popper? It's hard to keep track of these days. In my younger years, I never thought I would entertain a thought like this, but... "THERE'S TOO MANY DRUGS!"
Not just drugs, there's too much of everything. I think that's why Americans are so polarized right now. Everything has too many options now, and we're not used to thinking that much. It used to be just this beer or that beer. That was good for Americans, because we like having choices, but not making choices. Once light beer came along, tension started to build. You may remember the old ad campaign that showed mobs of people shouting 'TASTES GREAT!' and 'LESS FILLING!' at each other... it's been all downhill from there. Now your beer comes with an assortment of citrus flavors, from non-alcohol to iced. Or maybe you want a hard seltzer, or cider, or spiked fruit punch, or non-alcoholic fuzzy fruity water with vitamins and energy boosters. Maybe you want an iced-tea/juice combo, non-caffeinated, with an OTC prescription of diet pills thrown in. Capitalism has brought an assortment of beverages to your local store just like the internet added an assortment of fetishes to your porn.
It's too much for your average American. It's got us so worked up that we're triggered by red and pink hats and can't even use our words when addressing each other any more. Libtard! Racist! Snowflake! Xenophobe!
Slow down, guys and girls and others. Those are human beings that we're screaming about. At least, I think they are. Is it still PC to identify as a human being? I hate to have to ask, but this seems to be the world we live in. While I was raking leaves, half of you might have begun identifying as autonomous cyborg aspirants. I don't watch the 'news', so I don't hear about these things until it filters down through smalltalk in the check-out aisle.
Does anyone still watch the news?
...fake news!... ... pushing an agenda!?...
It sounds like we may still have few news watchers out there, even if they're only watching it to fuel their outrage. That's okay, as long as you're not watching it to get informed. These days the news is more instigation than information. It would be nice if the country would have a reckoning about what we call news and journalism, but that would require making some choices, so...
I think it's good that poeple are giving up on the news. Not because they're getting better information from elsewhere, but because I think it's better to have a variety of sources of disinformation, rather than one central source. By decentralizing our disinformation, we make it less likely that we'll come to a global consensus on shit that isn't true, like the idea that pharmaceuticals save lives. It will take us generations to recover from that globally accepted lie.
Does anyone else think it's funny that the generation that passed all the restrictive laws to save our country from 'illegal drugs' is the same generation that is killing and crippling America with legal pharmaceuticals? And while that's happening, we still consider ourselves the smartest people on the planet.
You can't write shit that funny. Well, I can't, but maybe @amirtheawesome1, who I believe is hosting this contest, could. The idea that I had to add #COMtest to my #tags for the #comedyopenmic #contest was #hilarious. First, I like the trucation of COMEDY contest down to COMtest, and second, I especially like that the 'tags' field on most front-ends won't accept uppercase letters. I also enjoy a bit of #hashtagabuse.
What the hell is that blinking light?
Your time's up, get off the stage!
Wait, there's a time limit? I knew I should have stayed awake long enough to finish reading the rules. So much for my plan of filibustering the rest of the contestants. Maybe that's not so bad, I haven't even checked to see if enough people have entered for me to interact (oh god) with 3 of them. Maybe I should have a little booze with my weed.
All right, all right, call off the bouncers, I'm going!
...clap... ...cough!... ...clap clap...
Thank you everyone, I guess that's my time! My name is pronounced Yoo TellMe, and I hope to see you all again next week! Thank you, thank you!
