Have you ever been to one of those hipster hippie towns like Byron Bay where everything is plant based, soaked in crystals and served by pixies? The kind of place that sells smoothies with inspiring names like 'Golden Heaven: A Chai Spiced Elixir Laced with Chaga & Infused with the Full Moon Spirit' or 'Love Me Gently: A Drink to Share with Your Lover As Venus Rises, Sprinkled with Gold & Fermented Moringa?'.

One of my favourite smoothie bars had names like that - perhaps not quite as illustrious, but 'I Am Beautiful' and 'I am Love', which was kinda sweet as when you ordered your drink, you had to utter the affirmation.

Here are three smoothies I'd like to share, in the spirit of such things.

I Am Slightly Hungover And About To Throw Up

This one is perfect after the kind of Christmas where you drank far too much of your Great Aunt's sherry just to get you through the afternoon, followed by a cheap bottle of wine from Aldi and a Baileys drunk from a shoe.

Made with lukewarm tap water, half a banana from the bottom of the freezer, strawberries you had stolen off the pavlova and found in the bottom of your handbag, with a squeeze of orange juice and a dash of vodka, this smoothie may just get you through the day after Christmas and keep you awake to watch Love Actually and Trading Places as you finish off the Christmas pudding, but only because there is nothing else to drink and you know there was enough brandy in that cake to sink a small boat.

I Am So Hormonal That My Husband May Not Survive the Afternoon

Listen, turmeric is good for everything and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Lemon balm might just calm down the flames of fury that arose not once, but three times, the first when your husband made the bed wrong again, despite spending twenty years of marriage teaching him how. The man can reconstruct an entire Landrover after pulling it apart into umpteen components and has a Physics degree but couldn't POSSIBLY line up pillows correctly or choose the right coloured pillow slips to match the sheets.

Maca powder (don't worry about sourcing it ethically - who cares about low wages for workers when you're about to be down for husbandicide?) helps balance hormones and some dried nettle also does a good job of that. Besides, the flecks of green and orange are aesthetically pleasing, so if you just stare into the glass for a while you might just calm down after losing your banana because the second thing he did wrong within an hour of waking WAS WALK THROUGH THE HOUSE WITH HIS SHOES ON. Anyone would think removing shoes was akin to splitting the atom. Too. Much. Hard. Work.
Anyway, you don't want to lose your banana as you need it in the smoothie. As for the third thing, well, he hasn't done it yet but it's only 7 am and you know he's going to do it any minute now.

I was going to share three, but I've lost interest.

Do you have a killer smoothie to share below? Make me laugh for an upvote or two.

Thanks @sanjeevm for tagging me in the Comedy Open Mic challenge. I was about to post a real smoothie recipe but thought I'd try this humour lark, because I'd do anything that dear man asked me to. Also, for @dandays, who made the mistake of saying I was funny. Passing the mic to @vincentnijman and @mrprofessor. I'd tag @edprivat because he makes me laugh with every post but I don't want him to think he's like a comedy God or anything as it might go to his head. Make sure you follow the ELEVEN rules in this challenge post by @amirtheawesome. And even if you're not tagged, do join in, because the world needs more humour.

With Love,

^{The Herbal Hive Community}

Are you on HIVE yet? Earn for writing! Referral link for FREE account here