I'd like to give you a little background about myself because I tell you what happened to me so I can justify my actions.
I'm the type of guy to fall easily if you give me a little bit of attention. I once thought I was in love with my doctor because she always asked me if I was feeling okay and if the pain in my lower back was gone.
Some of you naive individuals might think she did it because that was her job but I know there was a connection between us.
I also thought my teacher was in love with me because she told my mom I needed, "special attention" because I was failing maths but we've all seen was goes on in the "teacher's" category on pornhub.
I'd like to add I'm a very shy person but my drunk alter ego is not, he's more confident and smart whereas I'm a clown.
The above descriptions should put the type of person I am into context for you.
I have a lot of friends in relationships, friends that are always trying to get me to go on dates.
This particular disaster (because I won't a date) started when a friend of mine posted my picture on her Whatsapp status telling everyone on her contact list that I was single. Of course people replied asking for my number, I am what most people would describe as a catch, most people except all the people I have ever had a crush on.
My friend sent me a dm, asking for permission to send out my number, I gladly accepted. I got a few number of text but one particular girl caught my eye. After three sentences, I knew I was in love.
We continued texting after that day, I asked her to send a few pictures which she did and I sent mine over. She was pretty, I wasn't going to make a move because I was shy but I was happy my life finally had meaning because I was talking to a girl.
We texted almost all the time, sharing stories of our childhood like little children. We never called each other. I think I was happy with the image I had created in my head and I didn't want to ruin it with calling.
I went out drinking with friends one evening. One thing led to another and my tipsy alter ego called her asking if we could meet sometime. I wouldn't have called but I was pushed by the same thing that led Trump to run for president again, peer pressure.
She said we could meet immediately, under the condition we met in a not-too-public place and she suggested a place to meet.
I was skeptical at first, the conditions given were exactly what a serial killer would give. Like I said, I was drunk and if I was ever going to die, I was going to go out the same way Kobe Bryant did, I was going to go out for love, or was that Romeo? I can't tell fictional characters apart.
We picked a place to meet and I left my friends. I looked upon them as a king would look to peasants as I walked away with my shoulders up, to meet a pretty girl.
At this point I was seeing double of everything but I managed to compose myself before reaching where she was. It was already dark, I could barely see anything. I was mostly worried about my looks but since the night already took care of that problem, all that was left was to wow her with my charm and humor.
I located her easily because only two other people were there. In my entire stay here, I had never been to that place.
I knew I was very tipsy when I fell tripping over myself. She was seated when I got there. I composed myself again and sat down opposite her. She was in a dress as far as I could tell.
We talked for a while, I believe I said some funny things because I remembered I heard her laugh. After a few more drinks, we decided it was time to leave. I ordered for a cab to drop her at her place as a last attempt the impress her.
Did I forget to mention tipsy me is also horny? While we were waiting, I moved over to her confidently and made a few gestures, caressing her shoulder, the highest thing she was going to do was slap me.
She didn't and that gave me the confidence to proceed to her laps.
Ladies and gentlemen, I have come to the conclusion that the fastest way to cure I hangover is shock.
I felt something hard as I touched her lap. At first, I thought it was because I was high but what my hands felt was very familiar mostly because I have one.
My date had a dick. I froze instantly, waiting for my brain to flush out the alcohol from my system. Everything started becoming clearer and I could see his face well now.
What made it more awkward was the fact that my hand was still on it. He (because my eyes had seen the truth) asked me what was wrong. I didn't know when I let out a scream.
There must've been some sort of mistake. I was supposed to meet an "Eve", not a "Steve". They verified they were in fact Eve. My brain and body went numb.
I told him I was into women, not we-men. I needed to get out of there as soon as possible. I was never going to tell my friends, they would never stop laughing. The cab finally arrived and he asked if he could still take it back home.
The look on my face was a clear indication that I was pissed. I got into the cab and changed the destination. I had to pay a little extra but it was a small price to pay for getting out of there.
I never told my friends I touched another man's dick but I have lived with the scar ever since.
What did I learn?
Not all heroes wear capes, and not all men wear trousers.
This post is a submission to the Paritae blogging competition "Dating Chronicles". Be free to check it out and have a laugh or two or three.