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My name is Barry Allen,
And I am the fastest man alive...
Now I'm sure most of you have heard this quote before and for those who haven't;
It's from a very popular show called "The Flash".
The flash is about a guy named Barry Allen who got superpspeed and became the "fastest man alive"
It's quite an interesting show but there's one thing you need to know, it's a huge scam.
Barry Allen is definitely not the fastest man alive.
I know this because I've watched the show and basically every single time, he gets his ass whooped by another speedster that is way faster than him and yet he still calls himself the fastest.
If you're the fastest, then why do you always lose!
And the funny thing is that some of the villains he faces aren't even speedsters
He has been defeated by all manner of mediocrity.
Infact, there was one episode where this guy could not catch a bike
A bike!!
How can you claim to run fast enough to travel through time itself but you can't catch a motorcycle.
That alone disqualifies him from being the fastest man alive.
The anger this show has wrought in me in incalculable, but as the mature individual I am, I have channeled that anger into more productive means like undergoing extensive research so that I can gather evidence to refute mr Barry Allen's claim of being the fastest man alive.
And I believe I have done just that,
below you will find a list of people that are way faster than Barry scamllen.
Not only can you find these people in real life, but they are the ones that deserve to be called the fastest alive.
So without further ado...
It's time for the breakdown.
PEOPLE THAT ARE FASTER THAN THE FLASH
1. PEOPLE THAT NEED TO POOP:
I'm sure we've all been in this situation, where it feels like the poop is going to drop at any moment. I remember one time I was in school and I needed to poop after holding it all day.
And yes, we had toilets but those were horrible
I'm pretty sure I would've contracted some unnamed disease if I had used the school toilet.
So I had to wait till I got home and lemme tell you, I had never removed my trousers faster in my entire life than at that moment. In those crucial seconds, I was the flash.
What's even impressive is that people that desperately need to poop can't even run because if they spread their legs too wide, the load is going to drop.
So they have to do a kind of awkward walk and even with that, they are fast as hell.
Barry Allen could never.
2. PEOPLE THAT HEAR A GUNSHOT:
Where I come from, if you hear a gunshot, you scatter.
It doesn't matter if the sound is 2kilometers away. once you hear pwa!
you run for cover. questions can be asked later.
There was one time my friend and I were going to buy something. then suddenly, we heard a gunshot.
I panicked of course and looked beside me to see if my friend was okay, but where my friend was 2 seconds ago, there was air.
By the time I looked back and saw him, the traitor was already a dot in the distance.
that guy was one of the laziest people I know and a gunshot sound made him run like that.
3. BLACK PEOPLE WHEN THEY HEAR STRANGE SOUNDS:
There's a reason why black people aren't in too many horror movies...
It's unrealistic.
Horror movies are fun because the protagonists (mainly white) make dumb decisions. like buying a doll that is clearly cursed or going towards strange sounds.
Not black people, nooo.
Once we hear a strange sound, it's adios.
anything creepy or strange triggers our speed force
When white people hear a strange sound they're like "hello, who's there?"
When black people hear a strange sound, that's when the phrase "action speaks louder than words" become proven
We outta there!
Even the ghost won't have time to appear before we disappear.
4. PERSON BEING CHASED BY A DOG:
Take it from me as someone who has been chased by a dog.
This thing gives you superpowers for sure
not only speed o, but wisdom and agility
I've seen people doing parkour because a dog was chasing them.
The fact that you're even running faster than a freaking dog should show that you're not a human anymore.
5. MATH TEACHERS:
Apart from being the worst teachers, these guys are also the fastest teachers.
In a previous article, I talked about how maths teachers never miss class. come rain, come sunshine, come the apocalypse, they'll be there.
A period will end, you won't even have time to breathe before these people come in for their period
Infact, they are so fast that most times they come before the last period ends
and they stay by the window.
Why would you do that?
I'm sure you don't get paid enough to do that??
And that's just them showing up.
What about when they teach?
One second you're learning basic logarithms, the next you're doing trigonometric analysis in relation to polar coordinates and proving why dy is not dx.
Like slow down!!!
And now some honorable mentions for the actual fastest person award before we mention the last one on the list.
- Usain bolt
- Tom cruise
- You. because you keep running away from your responsibilities.
6. GALA SELLERS
In my country (Nigeria), there are these people called gala sellers
they basically sell gala or more accurately packaged sausage rolls in traffic and on road.
And it is unfortunate that our country has become decrepit to the state that people need to hawk in traffic to make a living...
But boy o boy are these guys fast.
Imagine running as fast as a car on full speed while holding a carton of goods on one hand and handling money on the other.
Barry Allen who?!!
Anyways that's all folks,
If I find any other person that's faster, I'll let you know.
in conclusion, Barry Allen is a chronic liar and God have mercy on Nigeria.
Thank you for reading.
Stay buzzing,
Maximus ✍🏾