After the major mental breakdown, this time I decided to seek help. I was completely determined that no matter what happens, I will not ignore my mental health and will definitely look for a specialized doctor. Enough is enough, my ignorance has brought this day on me and somehow I blame myself for not listening to my inner voice. My life wouldn't be worst than these days, not only I emotionally broke down but also I have so much to share, so much to talk about.
I am carrying a huge pain for a very long time and it started feeling like a burden. Not only every day I cry seeing myself but also my health is slowly getting worst. My stress level is so high that I barely can think anything straight and properly, I have forgotten about the word called "Focused". I can't eat properly and I don't feel good, every day seems so difficult and painful. I know it's all in my head and I am slowly losing control over myself.
In the Netherlands, everything works in a very systematic way and I still don't fully understand their medical system at all. All I know is here finding a specialist in time for the treatment is a miracle because of the long waiting list of patients to see a specialist. Anyway, I am gonna write about my whole week and my treatment process.
I already said that after the incident, I started seeking help. I went to many people to ask for help including the territorial manager from the municipality, Almere for the Ukrainians. After knocking on several doors, finally, the local manager set a meeting with me and discussed my issue. She assured me that she is gonna help me no matter what and she suggested taking a break from work at least for 2 weeks. Of course, my employers were not happy with this but it is what it is.
I already understood my aggression and anger levels and extra stress will cause more complications for my mental health. I also didn't want to feel that my co-workers look at me in a different way knowing everything though my employers tried to convince me to return to work. Anyway, the first step was to put me into the medical system of Ukraine. So, the local manager took me to a nearby community health center(Gezondheidscentrum De Driehoek) that helps Ukrainians to find a family doctor in Almere.
I don't know how to describe the "Family doctor" in terms but here they call it GP (General Physician). You can take an appointment with GP at any time and describe your health issue and GP will refer you to a doctor or specialist. I didn't have GP so I had to go to the nearby community health center to find a GP. I had to describe all the details of my problems so that I can do a quick appointment with my GP. After hearing about my medical case, my GP has given me an appointment last Thursday early morning. When I was in Gezondheidscentrum De Driehoek (community health center) I was crying constantly especially when I was explaining my problem. It felt like I have been holding so much inside me and everything was trying to come out together all at once.
I could have controlled my emotions and could have completely ignored everything but I didn't. I felt the necessity to go through a traumatic and psychological process. After hearing everything, doctors from the community health center told me that I need help and I need to see a doctor who can help me process all of my thoughts.
My thoughts are very overwhelming nowadays. I blame myself for everything and I feel aggressive these days. So many incidents happened and most importantly this big change makes me so angry. I tried to control in fact I am well aware of my problems and I guess that's why I am still under control and didn't go crazy.
Thursday arrived and I was fully ready to visit my GP called Dr. Diden. The appointment went well. The day was rainy and the clinic was 20 minute's walk from the shelter so it was convenient. Again I explained all the details of my condition and at some point, I started crying out loud. Dr. Diden was completely silent and asked me a few questions when I finished. She listened to what I wanted to say and at last, all she said was, your case is complicated and you need a psychiatrist. When I asked for the necessary help to live life, she said she can't suggest anything because my plate is too heavy and only a psychiatrist can suggest to me what and how to deal with all of my emotions.
I knew that I was not well and the burden I was carrying is coming out in an aggressive way but right now, all I could do was to control and calm down. I find it very difficult to control my emotions and stress and it's not so easy to stay calm and positive after this major mental breakdown.
My treatment will be done by the Department of Adult Psychiatry Almere.
My week was not finished yet, everyday seemed so stressful and devastating. I still don't know where all of these stresses are coming from, sometimes I feel I am going crazy. I can't sleep because of nightmares and weird dreams, I can't eat though I feel hungry, and I have lost my appetite. I lost weight again and due to lack of sleep, other health problems are coming. On the other hand, my employers are asking me so many questions and pushing me hard to return to work. A mental issue is something that you can't see from the outside, you will see a normal person but never gonna realize about the person and what they are going through.
Any way to bring changes in my life, I decided to take a long walk in Amsterdam and spent time at Dam square. I thought it is the best time to put some colors into my monotonous life. I tried my best to live in the present and not to think about other things.
My long walk in Amsterdam was good, I often enjoy walking there. A lot of places to see and explore and I often end up finding something new. I felt good seeing all the people and enormous pigeons at dam square. Tourists take photos, do the shopping and eat famous holland french fries. All I did was sit there and observe my surroundings. Sometimes the crowd is good, helps to stay away from traumatic thoughts.
I took some photos as well.
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I am waiting for the call from Central hospital and still don't know when everything will be okay and come together. I have created a mess in life and my brain and mind are completely puzzled and disturbed. My dog is my emotional support but still, it's not enough. I cry every day and I don't know why I cry. I want to talk and be like before but I can't. I often feel heavy, burdened, and ashamed...
I took a baby step to help myself and I hope this time I will success and become stronger...
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Thanks for reading...
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Priyan...
I am @priyanarc.... An architect, a dreamer, and a passionate writer who loves to write about life. I try to present my own perspective and experiences. Please leave your feedback and criticism because it's the only way I can know and reach your mind and thought easily...
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