I always feel nervous whenever I have to attend any appointments and when it comes to attending any intense psychotherapy session, my inspiration and motivation everything fades away. Even though my mental condition is way better than before, my nervousness often ends up having panic attacks. My treatment process shows progress every single month but still, I have a long way to go. I have reached a certain point in my treatment process from where I just have to move forward and endure all the struggles and pains. There is no turning back and there is not a place for taking an answer ''no''. It amazes me how far I have come and how I am overcoming all the traumas in life.
Today I am going to share a part of my mental health journey and how I managed to face everything while having intense anxiety. I had an appointment with a psychotrauma center called ARQ a few days ago. ARQ is basically a Psychotrauma national hospital in the Netherlands located in Dimen, Amsterdam. I applied for ARQ around one year ago for advanced treatment because of my unstable condition caused by PTSD. Back then my EMDR session hadn't even started and my current psychiatrist helped me to apply to ARQ for intake. So, after 1 year, ARQ decided to have an intake program for my further treatment. I was skeptical about ARQ because they kept me on the waiting list for a long time and I was very interested to know what kind of treatment process they can come up with for me. Instead of being excited, I was actually having a panic attack about this appointment. I didn't even sleep the day before the appointment. So, on the day of my early appointment, I actually prepared myself to stay calm and collectible because somehow I knew it was gonna be a long day.
A train goes directly to Dimen, Amsterdam but to reach the hospital, I also had to take a bus after train travel. The place where this ARQ was located was a lovely neighborhood. I have never been to this part of Amsterdam before. It was a residential area with all the highrise buildings and parks. I would say it's a pretty cool area to live. So, after reaching ARQ, I had to do some document work, and then a doctor came to receive me and took me to her room. She then informed me that I have to attend 3 sessions with 3 different professionals and I have to stay at ARQ for almost 5-6 hours. I started panicking and almost felt like I was losing my mind. Not only do I feel uncomfortable talking about my psychological problems to someone new, but I also have to stay there for 6 hours where genuinely I don't wanna be. I wish I could explain how it feels to be in such a hospital knowing what you have to discuss about your condition and feelings precisely. It's like you have to go through your life timeline and pick up the most extreme points and circumstances that bother you always to discuss. You don't wanna recall obviously but a psychiatrist doesn't give you much choice. Anyway, the first person with whom I had my first appointment was a doctor. She explained to me what ARQ does for psychotic patients and why I was there. After talking to her for almost 2 hours, I was already feeling tired. She also told me that's how they work during the intake process.
The second session was with a therapist who actually focused on the positive part of my life. That time I realized it's been a long time since I thought about positive moments of my life. I even forgot what I liked or disliked, what made me smile and happy always. Can you believe I even don't know what my favorite color is...At some point, I realized that I had been surrounded by so much sadness, problems, and sorrow that I forgot what truly makes me happy. My PTSD and depression took me to a dark place from where I couldn't even see the light of life. The session felt like a calling, a revival process that I have been missing. I can't remember her name though but she was a good professional I would say. She mainly focuses on the healing part of an individual's trauma treatment journey.
The last session of the day was with the psychiatrist. At that point, I was already tired and was feeling like a zombie. She only asked me 3 questions: My culture, background, My childhood, school life, and last about my country. When I started recalling my childhood, I had a mental breakdown again and almost got unstable. I guess some memories always hurt an individual badly no matter what. In life, I faced a lot of difficulties, ignorance, and discrimination. I was the one who always took the blame and felt guilty for every single circumstance. I faced judgment and had to struggle to find my own existence. There was a time when I felt like I didn't belong in this world.
Time is running but my mind and brain are stuck at a certain level. It's like a complete shutdown where you don't feel anything. A big dark void has been created inside me and I sometimes lose the capability of thinking due to this void. I don't know whether ARQ understood my current situation or not; it was difficult for me to explain my life in 6 hours. They will do further processing with my current doctors and psychiatrist. I don't know how I managed to return home, I forgot that part. It's not new, I often forget many things. My phone is full of reminders, and alarms because I cannot remember.
My psychologist and psychiatrists are hopeful, they think I will recover eventually because they think I have a strong mindset. I consider myself weak always, my self-esteem is low. But before leaving ARQ, the psychiatrist asked me one question and she told me, that I don't need anyone in life to carry me; I don't need a babysitter. I am strong enough to have control of my life. I know in time, I will forget about the entire ARQ thing but the last words from the psychiatrist will stay with me.
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Priyan...
I am @priyanarc.... An architect, a dreamer, and a passionate writer who loves to write about life. I try to present my own perspective and experiences. Please leave your feedback and criticism because it's the only way I can know and reach your mind and thoughts easily...
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