I don't know how many times I tried to write something about myself but in the end, hesitation came and I decided not to write something personal on the blockchain. Hesitation comes in different forms and thoughts, and one of the main key reasons is privacy issues. Nowadays people are too judgemental and sometimes people think that the people who share personal life stories are attention seekers. Even though my motive was to share my thoughts and feel safe; I ended up being judged. I do not care what others think about me because my problems only can be solved by myself. Sometimes it's hard to deal with such a difficult atmosphere.
How I have been doing lately? I would say not bad. After going through tons of therapies and appointments, I have been feeling much better than before. Every time I learn something new about myself but the difficult part is to work on it by accepting the problems. I am on a healing journey process, my main treatment for my PTSD is done so now this phase is all about healing and focusing on small details. Not all the traumas are recovered yet they are way more manageable than before. A lot of questions often arise in my mind, why now, why me? Unfortunately, there is no timeline; anything can happen at any time.
My current core problem is dealing with my depression and how to get out of it. I still don't know yet because my depression is related to some specific key issues in life. My therapist often goes through my life journey and she is still trying to figure out the cause. Recently I have not been very open in front of her, I guess I am not ready to disclose deep dark thoughts yet. I know I should be open about my problems in front of her but I am not ready. My mind is too messed up and confused. My brain never stops overthinking and my body's reaction is too active and fast.
I discovered that I have different shades and phases in life. Sometimes I am very open, talk a lot, and share a lot and sometimes, I just confine myself in an invisible shell and show anti-social behavior. My doctor says that there is always a reason behind every individual's behavior pattern. I also have a pattern and this pattern didn't form in a day. Years of sadness, traumas, behavioral issues, and surroundings caused and created the person that I am today. I sometimes find my conversations with her very interesting, these conversations have depth now, and they are deep and meaningful.
You might think that I travel a lot, I do see many places and live a life that many people want. Maybe you will say some people live a more miserable life than me and they have more thorough problems than me. Well, I believe there is no comparison between me and anyone else. My struggle is my own struggle and my thoughts, mindset or brain cannot be compared with others. The entire world is going through a critical moment right now so my problem might seem a small problem but it's my own medical problem. Besides, nobody can describe what depression looks like, nobody cannot define an individual's depression.
I have come so far and I don't deny it. I took small steps to move forward. I am able to control my emotions way more better than before and that's a huge progress. I know what I had to go through, how many sleepless nights I passed. I struggle still, sometimes I push myself hard and have to turn back. Sometimes I feel all of my hard work is wasted but again next day, I take one step for myself. I have more space now to think about other things in life; maybe it might be for a shorter period of time but that short moment is slowly turning into a long moment.
So, besides attending my therapy sessions, I do regular chores and try to finish daily life things. I cannot do a full-time job due to the ongoing treatment process so I do flexible/ part-time work. I do voluntary work once a month, I do try to learn something new when I can. I do walk outside every day on a regular basis, sometimes I go somewhere, eat something, and walk around. I have a small garden area now, an indoor area where I grow chillies and I love to watch them grow. My full focus is on my well-being and not overdoing things like I used to do. Daily life schedules actually help me to get out of the room I stay. To be honest, maintaining a daily schedule is a tough job for me. I am not disabled, I am just having a tough time with my mental health problems.
I know I have to go to long way and I also know I will be better. It's about time... I also know many people do love me and care about me...
One day I will be able to go home...
Love
Priyan...
I am @priyanarc.... An architect, a dreamer, and a passionate writer who loves to write about life. I try to present my own perspective and experiences. Please leave your feedback and criticism because it's the only way I can know and reach your mind and thoughts easily...
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