Initially, I didn't realize that what I was going through after birthing my first child was postpartum depression. Through my actions, my husband began to wonder if I was mentally okay or something. Several times, he asked why I developed sudden anger on everyone around me and why I changed and started acting unusual but I had no answer to his numerous questions. I indeed acted strange and didn't care about my newborn. I was supposed to be excited over the arrival of my new baby, but that didn't happen for the first 1 to 3 weeks. I was battling with postpartum depression (PPD) unknowingly.
My mom was the first person to notice my mood change because she was there for me after my delivery. She knows me too well to notice when I am acting unusual. Sorry to say that she initially thought that I was possessed by a strange spirit. I saw her praying for me, laying her hands on my head and commanding a spirit out of my body. I was so angry and sad the more. Bonding with my newborn was out of it. I refused to breastfeed my own child and will shout at anyone around me.
Gradually, my breasts engorged, and I couldn't raise my hands. I could feel lumps in my breast, and this made my husband alert my doctor. Immediately, the doctor booked an appointment with me the next day. I went with both my husband and my mom with my newborn. Mum was always forcing me to breastfeed my child, and while I did it a bit, it was with so much anger and sadness. I couldn't understand what was wrong with my system. At a time, I nursed the idea of throwing away the child. My child lost weight all because I deprived him of a lot he was supposed to get from her mom. Not even love, care, or enough breastfeeding for him.
So when we got to the hospital, my husband and mom started narrating to the doctor about my strange attitude since I gave birth. It was there that my doctor told them that I was dealing with postpartum depression. The issue of engorged breast became secondary, and I entered into counseling with the doctor. He asked me a lot of questions, some of which were private. He used my answers to counsel me, and I felt lighter after a session with him. I remember being given an antidepressant medicine and asked to keep visiting the hospital for more therapy until I was okay.
While at home, my husband assisted me greatly to pull out from such an experience. He made sure to offer help in doing chores at home and running errands so I don't feel so overwhelmed, as well as providing healthy meals and making sure that I remain active devoid of negative feelings. As I continued with the antidepressant, I noticed a calmness in my brain, which affected my mood positively. Everything about me and my baby gradually changed for good. I started sleeping well and caring for my child, breastfeeding him always, and stopped being aggressive without any reason.
I remember crying many times for hours without anyone hurting me. The emotions were so heavy on me, with many evil thoughts. Perhaps, if my mom wasn't around then, I may have hurt myself or my baby without any reason. As I type this blog, tears are rolling out of my eyes because the memories of those days just clouded my mind.
I have been holding back writing about my experience with this PPD. I think I didn't express myself enough, but overall, I will encourage mothers to always seek medical help whenever we notice an unusual change. Having a baby is indeed a life-changing experience.