Hello, my dear @motherhood community! I have been so occupied these past few days that I haven’t had a chance to update here. And so I am sharing the story that made me so busy a few days ago. I had posted my confessions here a few times, and I want to share more this time, as I find this corner a venue to express all the pain I have been harboring and find some relief. 💔
You know that I’m a single mother of a 3-year-old boy. I have undergone postpartum anxiety and have just recently completed my healing phase. But there was an incident this July that seemed to shatter my heart for the second time – the father of my son came back but left too soon.
(Photo taken when he brought us to my province so I could accept my work promotion, and so he could also finish his studies first)
It has been 2 years since the father of my son left us without saying goodbye or saying anything to end the relationship – he just stopped talking to us and disconnected from me. Although his relatives have been consistently checking on us and updating, it still shattered my heart that he, the father of my son, didn’t want to talk to us. Besides, he never gave me a centavo as support for our son. Literally, while healing from postpartum anxiety, I worked really hard to provide for our son’s needs all throughout. Before this happened, we agreed that he would finish his college degree while I went back to my province to accept a promotion from my company. After he finished his studies, that would be the time when we would decide where to settle – in his province or my province. It was a hopeful and sweet promise for our family. 💞
(This was their trip with the U.S nurse when she came to the Philippines last May 2023)
But, it was just two months after my son and I moved back to my province, he had a relationship with a Filipino nurse working in the U.S. He told me that he dreamed of going to the U.S for a better future, not just for him but for us, the moment he became a citizen and got his residency there. I didn’t agree with this because it was my life principle that we don’t need to use anyone just to get our dreams. I told him to stay with us and that we could work together to achieve our dream of a happy family without using anyone or going to any country. After all, I was in the peak of my career during that time, and he was about to finish his college degree. But despite my disapproval and reminder, he still went on his way and ignored us, to the point of abandoning us. 💔
(This was the house in his province where we lived and the same house where he brought his other women)
A few months after he disconnected from us, I heard that he and the U.S nurse broke up, taking back from him all the assets that she had given him, including the car. I just kept silent, hoping that he would learn his lesson. But I was wrong, I heard that he had another girl who lived with him in our house in his province. I was even shocked upon knowing that the other woman was the godmother of our son. But this woman was a freak, throwing tantrums at home, breaking everything when they fought. Suddenly, they broke up, and the woman left our house. After this, I thought he was done, but I was wrong; he then had a new woman whom he brought with him to live in our house again. I never heard a lot about this woman, and I didn’t mind them upon realizing that I was really tired of hoping that he would change.
Without him, I had to continue my life in my province far away from him, working and providing for my son, until postpartum anxiety hit hard and knocked me down – I left my hard-earned managerial position and lost confidence in all of the things I did. I stayed at home, attending to my son and farming, just to support our needs while healing. Every time my son got sick, I tried to contact him, but he always told me that he didn’t have any money, and he was still applying for a job after he graduated from college.
For quite some time, I focused on healing and providing for my son until I regained my confidence, and just recently, opportunities are knocking again – I am being offered to be a university instructor without even applying – God’s answered prayer. I will start this August.
Since he left us, I never entertained any suitors because I focused on healing and my son, slowly accepting that it is only my son and I who will be together as a happy family. So I didn’t expect that he would come back just in time, where everything seemed to fall into place, when I am healing and my career is starting to bloom again.
I was so surprised when I received a Facebook chat from him last June 30, asking for forgiveness and telling me that he really wanted us back to make our family whole again. He said he wanted a peaceful and happy family life with us and that he was done playing games with women. I never said any negative words nor blamed him that he abandoned us, I just listened and told him that I already forgave him while in the process of healing to help myself as well. After a few days of consistent video calls, where I also got the chance to introduce him to our son, I was even surprised that he came to our house asking for forgiveness from my parents, expressing his intentions to win us back. My parents were very kind and accommodating that he never heard a single word of reproach. He was accepted and welcomed at home with open arms.
My son was the happiest when he met his daddy for the first time since he learned how to recognize people. This time, we can never fool him about who his daddy is. I saw the bright smile of excitement on his face as his daddy carried him in his arms for the first time in a long time. He was just one year old when his daddy last carried him. It melted my heart that after a long time, finally, my son will not call strangers or any men he sees ‘daddy’ as he did many times before. He proudly pointed at his daddy, saying loudly, ‘my big, big, daddy!’ I nearly cried – a mix of pain, longing, relief, and happiness for my son, who was deprived of his daddy’s attention for quite a long time.
Since it was just a quick visit, we made the most of our time to talk. We never slept that night and tried to resolve what really happened in our dream family after all these years. He explained why he stopped communicating and why he had affairs with different women after he left us. While we were talking, a lot of questions of confusion flooded my mind. He was trying to convince us to go back to our house in his province, but I couldn’t say yes since I am just about to start regaining my lost career as a preparation for our son’s schooling next year. I wasn’t even sure if he really changed or if he was really sincere about putting us back together. I heard a lot of rumors that he was still with the girl whom I gave the alias of ‘Alina’. I wanted to believe him that he really wanted us back, but my heart was loudly pounding a loud ‘no’. So, I said no for a while because I wanted to see proof that he really changed, and I also wanted to validate my instinct that he was still talking with Alina. Although it ripped my heart into pieces seeing him leave without getting my yes, I had to endure it to protect not just myself but our son.
So, after a few days since he left, he still messaged us, but suddenly he never replied to my message again. Anxious thoughts flooded my mind, thinking that he might not do anything to pursue putting us back together after I said no, that he might not put in effort to win us back to clear all my doubts. And I was right. A friend saw him with Alina riding the motorcycle together for a trip. Once again, after a long time of healing and moving on, it seemed that all the pains I had when he first left us returned and became as fresh as they were before. I grieved deeply not just for me, who opened a part of my heart for him in the hope that he was really sincere in putting our family back together, but also for my son, who already knew him and was also hoping that he would come back. It was the most painful heartbreak I’ve ever had, even more painful than the first time he left us. It was because this time, I’m bleeding for two hearts – for me and for my son. 💔
I never wasted time; I messaged him to ask why he did that to us again. He just replied that it was because I said ‘no’ to him, so he decided to win back Alina after they had a falling-out quite a few weeks before he went to my province to win us back. This really hit hard, even harder than before. For me, it seemed that my son and I were just his second option after he had problems with Alina and then got back together after everything was fixed. It was like crashing my heart over and over again while protecting my little one’s heart.
(Photo taken when my son and I traveled to my ex's province last July 12.)
As days went by, guilt was consuming me with a lot of questions – Had I been so selfish saying no to him, that seemed also saying no to a second chance for our family, and most especially to give my son the chance to have a daddy? With this, I decided to go back to our house in his province with my son. This time, I wanted to give us a chance – to give our family a second chance for my son’s happiness and completeness.
(This photo was taken when my son and I arrived at my ex's house after almost 6 hours of trip.)
But when I arrived at our house, that was the hardest slap I ever had in my entire life – Alina was indeed living with him. I tried to get inside our room to check all my things and see if they were still in place, like the way I left them, but I never found any clothes or valuables that belonged to me in that pink cabinet. It was filled with Alina’s clothes, and our room was really messy, as if a typhoon had rampaged into it. I never confronted Alina, who was lying in our bed during that time and hardly looked at me. Out of pain, I just blurted out to my ex, ‘Where else did you pick this trash?’ And with teary eyes, I went out with my son.
(Photo taken when my son and I slept at my mother-in-law's house with my sister and brother in law)
We slept in my mother-in-law’s house with my brother and sister in law. They loved and supported us and were really sorry for what happened since they couldn’t control my ex’s mind, they could do nothing about his infidelity. I pitied my mother-in-law since she is suffering from hypertension, so I never dared to make anything that could trigger her illness. And also, it was not my thing to make a scene, as much as possible, I want to resolve everything peacefully.
(This photo was taken outside my ex's store, where he tried to explain to me about Alina.)
My ex was trying to explain everything about Alina, which he said was the result of my decision in rejecting him when he tried to win us back. But I seemed to hear nothing but my aching heart, bleeding, crushed, trampled down, walked on, and cut into pieces over and over again. I cried for my son and for myself. I could still recall the joy and excitement in my son’s eyes when he met his daddy just a few days ago, and now, I don’t know how to tell him that he’s gone again, with no assurance if he will still come back, knowing that he seemed to choose Alina over us.
(Photo was taken when my son and I were on our way back to my province)
I really don’t know where and how to start moving on again. I want answers to all my questions – where did I go wrong? Were my son and I not enough? Because I never remember doing anything that could ruin our relationship. Actually, we never fought; he just distanced himself from us. Maybe what I have seen was enough to close this chapter between us. I am even thinking of messaging him again about our son, but my heart seems to scream with a loud ‘no’, especially after what he has done – we are not his priority, and I’m not even sure if he really loves our son more than he loves his other women.
I never wish anything bad on them, but I just hope that heaven hears my grieving heart to send healing and forgiveness. All I want now is peace of mind while comforting my son. I put everything to God, especially since I learned that Alina has a son with her former live-in partner, whom she left to live with my ex.
If you have read this far, I want to thank you. This platform is like an open elevated space for me where I can cry my heart out - all my grief and pain until it hurts no more. My love story is a real mess, but I never regret it since I have my son with me because of this mess. Somehow, I'm grateful to the father who gave this angel to me.
To all the single moms out there, keep fighting! Hugssss. 💝💞