It's been a while since I last posted something.
I slept last night by the sound of Frank Ocean. So, when I woke up, I felt a bit of peace. This consistent 3 AM slumber is not doing me any good, but I believe the melatonin did its work, and I feel well-rested.
It was raining.
I took a quick shower in the hopes of making my spirits alive. I guess it did, but my lips are still cracked, my head is raging, and my belly is still there.
And today was going to be a full day.
I had to catch my breath with tasks at work that seem to outrun the hands of the clock. I haven’t been "running" for a while now, so it’s taking a toll in every sidestep and huge leap I make to be at par with the demands. The laptop screen is my friend, but it’s slowly rotting the sanity of my eyes – I had to reach far to get my glasses, yet even the moment of reach is time lost.
My mind is in four different places. It’s committed to the work, but it’s attracted most to the sheets and the pillows. I feel myself conjuring all the different versions of me to concretely personify some extra hands. My stomach is rebelling in my pursuit of losing weight. But I’m fine, and I’m not stressing the fingers that spill out all the words in my brain.
When the workday finally ended, I went for a walk.
I had to stroll from the blue gates to look for food. The rain was not heavy but it was enough to make my head completely wet. I wasn't wearing a hoodie, a jacket, nor did I bring an umbrella. I hesitated to continue walking for a while, then I thought maybe this drenching rain would do me good.
I plugged my ears with the treasures of Phoebe Bridgers' voice. She's the type of singer that makes everything sound melancholic. With my drenched hair, the afternoon cold, and an open walk in the J.Solon streets, it felt like I was putting myself in a shortcut to illness as I walk in somber.
A few minutes in, I found a stall with banana cue. I never had these snacks in a long time. I used to buy a lot of these pre-pandemic. I remember walking at four in the afternoon to look for freshly cooked banana cue. So, I brought two sticks and continued strolling around these streets.
As I was walking, Phoebe Bridgers' rendition of Bo Burnham’s That Funny Feeling played.
It’s 4:30 PM - an afternoon full of waters, with locals talking on the covered sidewalks, eating fish ball, playing basketball despite the rain, and cleaning their taxis. The road was full of excitement from cold employees eager to be home. Kids were running under the rain without masks. The sky was cloudy.
My steps became slower, and I feel the gust of the wind join with me as I witness everything else like a film. I moved to the silence of the surroundings and with the intensity of the song’s melancholy.
As soon as the outro played, I was eating my second Banana cue, and realized how I was slowly becoming part of the film I'm watching – the music becoming part of the sudden increase of the surrounding’s noise. I am one with beautiful houses, tree parts all over the post wires, pretty pathways, and newly constructed roads.
Suddenly, I had an epiphany.
"The quiet comprehending of the ending of it all."
These were the lyrics that made me halt in the middle of these rainy streets. The quiet comprehending of ending of it all. There are a lot of things I want to end for sure, but how do I quietly comprehend how to do it? I mean, what do I even mean by a lot of things I want to end? Where am I at this point in life?
All I know is that I've been super tired from overworking with no choice, being broke, having big debts, remaining overweight, being dry from creativity, and feeling restless because of my recent nocturnal personality. I have embodied a sense of insecurity and areas of confusion of being trapped into these loopholes that I did. How do I end my self-deprecation? I think I should quietly comprehend to end this once and for all and take charge of my life.
That's right. I think I should take charge of my life. It's not enough to be passively get carried by the rainwater.
"The quiet comprehending of the ending of it all."
I was completely drenched with rain right now. But somehow, it felt sunny inside me. Yes, today was extremely busy. I woke up dependent on melatonin to catch the 8 A.M. work schedule, survived with rushing hours reliant on a singer with a sad voice, and succumb to hunger so I could save and lose weight. But today, I went out. And in this process of strolling, I realized I should quietly comprehend to end it all.
Then I remembered, "writing!"
I had such a blast when I started Hive, and it was paradise to me as I share the words that have been bottling in me for years. A busy work demand and a ravaging typhoon happened, and I outgrow it. But now, my fingers were full of thrill as I remember there's one thing I could do to quietly comprehend of ending it all: write.
So I continued to walk in haste, took pictures of these streets, and decided I should write.
When I arrived at my office, I opened my laptop and turned on some Frank Ocean songs. I went to PeakD and poured my heart out. It was difficult to return to the curves and edges of the writing I was used to, but I eventually got there. Somehow, it felt like my brain with raining with thoughts now - not heavy, but enough to make my hands wet from excitement.
It's been months of experience, and I am excited to share it. I don't care who will read, as long as I get to share it for myself. For myself.
Welcome back, Eu.
And oh, I realized, I didn't finish my last stick of banana cue because of these thoughts.
