"But, Josie, who's going to make up the average if we're all going to be above it?"
To that, I say - my point exactly! That's it, that's the post. xD
When thinking of personal development and self-improvement in any area of life, one first must self-reflect and take stock of the current situation and the path that led here, and only then can we consider where we would want to be and how that could possibly be achieved. So in that regard, I believe self-reflection to be the cornerstone of any kind of personal development journey, because how can you know if you've improved if you don't assess where you begin first?
A while ago I had an opportunity to reflect on myself through the lens of employability, work-life, my style of working, and my successes and failures thus far in my "career". A company that I had applied to without too much regard for what the result of my application might be, sent me a personality quiz and logic test, as well as proceeded with a phone interview, followed by a Teams video meeting. This whole experience, even if it didn't result in employment, allowed me to reflect on what is important for me in a work setting, if I'd even consider returning back to a regular corporate 9-5.
These were the results of the logic test. Slightly 'above average'.. what does that even mean?
Slightly above average..
84th - 93rd percentile
Your score on the logic test is 8, which is slightly above average.
Alva Labs interprets logical ability by benchmarking your score against others in the working population. A score of slightly above average indicates a person often requires less time and effort to interpret abstract information and form logical conclusions. People with similar scores often find they can easily acquire and apply new knowledge, provided the topic is not complicated. Bear in mind when interpreting your results that logical ability is far from the only factor determining job performance or career success. Personality, motivation, values, and experience are also important, and strengths in one area may outweigh weaknesses in another. * The most common standard scores are 5 and 6. The percentile ranges for these scores are wide due to the fact that they cover a large proportion of the population.
It made me think. Growing up I was..not encouraged, nay, EXPECTED to perform above average, lest I was considered a failure. But how fair such an expectation can be? Taking into consideration that.. phisically.. it is impossible for EVERYONE to be ABOVE average. And are really all those average people automatically failures? Or are they just, for the lack of a better word.. normal?
Now, don't get me wrong, I do see value in collective striving towards the 'above average', exactly 'because' it just moves the average higher, but at what point is it ok, to just chill in the 'you know what I think I'm ok where I am' zone? 'Cause, sure, you can always push to see your limits, then push to test those limits, then push some more to puke your guts out.. but to what end?
That's the headspace I was in when leaving corporate job. I had burnt myself out by constantly pushing myself way past my limits not even noticing what my limits were. I was expected to tough it out in a critical time period and so I did, because we don't let down people's expectations around these parts, you know. But little did I know how it messed up my understanding of a baseline workload, and the 'new normal' became - 'work is a constant state of an emergency'.
And that is something I'd rather not return to. I mean I could, for some more years, but I suspect that sooner or later I'd return to 'I'm fed up with everything'* stage.
BECAUSE... plot twist.. Heeeey.. "Girl, you're autistic!" (And other things Self-Help books won't tell you)tm
So no wonder being constantly stressed out is 'just your normal', no wonder you're a hermit that gets upset that normies want to 'see your face' in a video call and why that gets under your skin and bothers you so much, because 'masking' does not a better employee make.. That working from home is the best solution for you because you're able to adjust sensory stressors to your particular (and more often than not very changing) needs. And to think that all of that doesn't mean that you're just a bad or simply 'difficult' employee, as you've been led to believe all this time.
Ok, ok, enough with being salty, let's see what we can parse out from those Personality Test results, shall we?
Right off the bat - Conscientiousness look BAAAAD-bad, but you have to understand the 'Josie context' it's not that I don't care to be diligent, I was trying to reply to the questions as correctly as possible taking into consideration the previous two year experience of 'failing to be conscientious' due to the burnout. I was looking at my performance objectively as was, as opposed to .. as I would have wished and hoped they were. And there is no bigger critic of Josies than Josie herself.. so.. there's that.
Yup, I'm sceptical alright. Let's chalk it up to 'life experience'!
(Khem stillallboilsdowntoundiagnosedAuDHDKHEM).
Very Artistic? Oh, sheeeeit, maybe it's actually time to fully embrace my childhood's favourite 'happy&safe' mode - being at home, in bed, in comfy pajamas, drawing or doing some arts and crafts..? What do you think? Or should I continue to bend over backwards and break myself over and over again just to fit the neurotipical employee of the year mould?
If this post comes off as salty.. it's because it is. It's salty because I'm 36 and only now do I find out enough information about AuDHD, to realize that maybe I'm not broken, maybe I'm not inherently lazy or antisocial or plain difficult. Maybe I've actually been quite ingenious with finding all these little tricks and things that actually help and work for me, because, hell, God knows no one helped me with any of that.
~Josie~
* a rough translation of Josie's famous phrase "Man viss ir apnicis!" as she ripped apart the math test page in grade 3 (if memory serves correctly), as a cry for help, but no one understood it as that.