More than a year ago, I paused writing.

More than a year ago, I paused writing.

My mom died. She was always there to support and encourage me to do things that enabled me to succeed. When I lost her, I felt empty, as if a part of my life had been sucked away. On the night of November 26th, 2023, we lost her. Despite challenges and struggles, what was once a happy household lost its light. The night she died replays over and over in my head for so long, until now, I still cry out of the blue. I witnessed her last breath and how the paramedic arrived just after she had her last breath. That night, I did not cry, and not even during the wake. I had to be the strength my family needed in a sorrowful time. It takes a week after when I shed my tears. I just broke down in the comfort room. Perhaps regrets not giving her a much better life and longing for everything about her dominate as I shed my tears. It's good to have cried and not bottled up that emotion. It was not suitable for my anxieties, as it may become worse if I hadn't cried.

The last words I spoke to her were 'I love you' and 'Thank you '. I wish I had more time with her, especially since I was away for a research conference in Palawan (a whole week) before her death. It was my first research conference, and it took away the last week I could have spent with my mom. I'm grateful for the experience, but I can't help but long for what could have been. My mom was happy when I flew to Palawan and even encouraged me to buy a new travel bag. That love is beyond measure. She always liked giving, even the last of her money, to help and make someone happy. Mama, I miss you. I lost a mom, but I gained an angel.

Since I lost her, I had no courage to write again. Over 2024, I have enough content and stories to share, but I can't make my brain and hands work to get one story, resulting in just a pile of drafts. I may be preoccupied with finally completing my master's degree. While I struggled to express my heart and tell stories, I could write scientific papers. It's ironic. I even got an award for being able to publish a few more documents than my peers. 2024 was a good year, although I am still the morning of the loss of my mom. I was able to graduate from my graduate studies after waiting for at most 2 years for the right panelist to examine my thesis.

Why does it take so long? I submitted my proposal as early as 2021. Still, my advisor said they can't yet find an appropriate panelist to examine my research. When they found experts from abroad in 2022, I put a hold on the schedule since it was when my mom was confined. I was struggling in 2023 and much more when Mom died later that year. The proposal hearing was pushed to the first quarter of 2024, and eventually, after a month, I had a final defense. With God's grace, I graduated and had the ceremony last December 28th. I planned to finish the degree in 2 years, but God had other plans. I started the degree late in 2019 (pioneering batch). The crazy roller coaster ride brought me through the COVID-19 pandemic and lockdowns, changing workplaces, my mom's confinement, eventual eternal rest, and many more. It took me 5 years to get the degree, but it brought many learnings and blessings.

As I said, I wrote more scientific papers in 2024 than I could ever imagine. While having a creative block, I excel in research. I wrote and published at most 26 scientific articles in 2024. Although my degree was put on hold for completion, I strived to publish papers. The institution where I work has even given me an award for research and development. While these articles are not entirely solely of my efforts, they were a product of collaboration and mentoring others. Losing my mom changed my life. When I struggle emotionally, I find solace in helping others and self-improvement. Seeing advisees graduating put a smile on my face. Seeing colleagues achieving goals similarly put a smile on my face. My loss gives me a newer perspective on life and death, finding fulfillment and gratitude from others' successes as I have, in a little way, helped them.