The Survival Life Of An Introvert

I always find difficulty in trying to open a conversation with someone in a personal setting. I feel like such action requires a lot of energy and effort for me to take on. I cannot always bear the cost of spending my time talking to anyone as a kid. Although, I don't really remember how I was socially back then but I believed that interacting with humans is one of my weakest points. I don't know if I should blame myself for growing up like this or find someone else to pour my frustrations over this damn thing.

It started when I discovered that I can actually write a story like what I have read in my elementary books. I mentioned here before that I had that one particular friend who have read my piece for the very first time. I cannot forget the comfort and bliss it brought me because I feet validated through her words. When we were a little older, we always spend our lunch time together in the backyard of our classroom because we figured out it was a perfect place to write. A place away from the noise of the other kids playing on the school ground plus the nature view of big trees and great vines hanging on the school's wall. It was a moment to cherish until I remember how I lost that notebook where I've written my stories. And it felt as if, where I have found a purpose for myself was lost along with it.

If you think about it, losing your notebook on such a reckless move is very petty. But when all my other notebooks were kept in an old attic box like a moth-eaten collection, I realized I didn't really bother about those papers. I have only realized I was a lonely kid. No one will read what I will write all the time. I was envious of the other kids who get to make everyone in class laugh because they had great social skills. I was angry at everything because why did school never bother giving a hand to children like me? Why is it always the gifted, talented, confident, and active in class kids get to receive all the opportunities and chances? While I sit at the very back with a brochure I picked from the ground and I was scolded because I was accused of learning make-up instead of listening to a math lesson. A funny experience for my classmates but it took me years to pat myself and say it's okay.

And back then, when my heart was very ignorant and despiteful, I can never take everything and accept that these were my shortcomings. I did not go easy on my younger self. That's why what I'm made of is only loneliness. I believed I can never rely upon others, not because of pride but because I'm just a shy kid.

Did I ever gain friends? Of course, I gained a few. Or at least a friend before I graduated from my grade school. I never really had a group of friends I called my own not until I reached junior high school. That was one of my biggest steps in coming out to the world of belonging to something. I also transferred to a new environment so I felt like I replenished my broken social battery. That's because I was comforted by the idea that I was no longer surrounded by everything that made me feel small. That's what I thought. That's what I felt. I gathered strength in that idea to recover all those years that I called myself a loser.

I redeemed myself by being a dedicated student and a class officer throughout my junior years. I believe being a high schooler really covered up all that shy drama. It's my era. My growth as an individual. My progress all at once. I have developed confidence all those years that I'm trying to blend in because I realized nothing will ever come to my liking in a snap. I reunited with kind people and made them for keeps. I was given great friends that helped me in ways I never thought I needed but I truly did. It was a war in my head that I thought about giving up because what's there to fight for? That's probably what I'll ask myself if I am all but embracing change. But I realized all those years that it takes only one step to improve, to gain leadership, develop compassion for others, give yourself a chance, make amends with your lonely heart, and realize that you are worthy. Because everything will follow to its right places.

Speaking as my current self now, I will not say that I am the best version yet. But I have ridden all those burdens that kept me from growing up. I'm not the same kid anymore who stays inattentive in class because I cannot hear from the back row. I have found myself a talent that if others can, I shall have as well in my unique way. I have found purpose from change and embraced it like a better individual. I gained confidence, friends, achievements, my definition of success, and a life worth surviving for.

@rks.wuhdrelis

_{A warrior of liberty. With ink stains on her mind and soul. Maayong adlaw! This page contains the information you might want to know about the author. She goes by the name Arques and is under the username @rks.wuhdrelis. She lives in Cebu, Philippines, and is a proud Bisaya. She is a listener of music and is currently drowning in the rhythm of her pop-punk playlist. And she reads too, either depressing or hilarious books. Words from MJ, btw.}

_{Arques is an 18-year-old girl, on a mission to her dream college and a writer wannabe is her reputation. There's a thin line between writing and music that enthralls her mind to scribble every time she has a chance to. To write is to dream and to dream is to be free. Except for nightmares, she believes so. She fancies writing prose poetries that is usually about childhood, life, love, tragedy, something peculiar, or even unnamed emotions. Stay tuned!}

_{Her muse is Julia Choi from the K-POP girl group, ITZY. Images from this blog are retrieved from @itzy.all.in.us on Instagram. Thanks for making it here!}