It is the first day of preschool for Smallsteps and at these points, I am always reminded of how far we have come in the last six years. Suffice to say, it was a rough start from a few months before she was born and for the first few years, and I am not sure if it was because of the circumstances, or because of the parents, as sometimes I feel that we struggle in ways that other parents don't seem to, but isn't this always the way? Don't we always feel that our situation is unique, exceptional?
But nowadays, we are doing relatively well after all of that, but I think it has taken a toll on us in many ways, including our relationships with friends and family. So much of our energy was spent in making sure Smallsteps was taken care of, that we didn't actively engage with others and when we were with them, our attention was constantly pulled to attending to one thing or another and without any distance, all we really had to talk about was her, her diet, the reactions, the doctors appointments...
We tried to get space at times, but because of the challenges, we weren't able to, because people were worried about taking care of her, even for a few hours at a time and especially in the first two or three years. The shame is, that she is awesome.
Yes, the diet conditions needed care, but she is a joy to be around once she is comfortable with a person, clever, caring, considerate, thoughtful, kind, attentive, funny, imaginative - the list goes on and on. But, it is the "once comfortable" part that is also required and I feel that a some people who had the opportunity to get to know her, didn't take it because it was inconvenient and challenging in those early days and of course, they had their own lives to. And, it is not that it is too late for them by any means, but I do think they missed out a bit.
It was strange walking her to the school this morning, as she was skipping along and so happy, whilst also being nervous because she knows she won't have any friends there from her daycare. And, it was also strange because I remember my first day, and I was dreading it, as I was dropped at the gate from the car and then left to "fend for myself" after a very terrible kindergarten experience. There is something to be said about making children feel supported.
I hope that Smallsteps feels supported as she grows, that she is able to come to either of her parents with any concerns or questions she has and, that we are able to listen and address them without judgement first, but I also know that we are going to fail at this, at least I will.
The listening isn't the problem, the judgement is.
I am pretty judgmental by nature, which likely doesn't come as much of a surprise for people here. But, I see it as a continual improvement process and it works very well in some circumstances. The challenge is, not all circumstances and in many, it is detrimental, but it is not one of those things I can just turn on and off, it is always with me, so I have to try and catch it before it slips out and shows and I often fail to catch it in time.
Introducing disappointment is part of parenting, so having disappointing parents is natural. Just like good cop and bad cop, I am that disappointing parent. It is all about teamwork.
But, parenting is also a challenge because it requires taking care of oneself too and for example right now, I am sitting in a hospital getting treatment for a chronic illness. This also has an impact on Smallsteps and her experience, as well as my own abilities to be a parent. And it is because of all of the many factors of influence that even if we were "blank slates" at birth (we are not), we are going to end up increasingly unique as we age and grow into who we are to become.
It is how I ended up bad cop and disappointment manager.
Smallsteps is lucky though, as despite the shortcomings of her parents, for now at least, she is such a lovely person and I hope she will grow her personality to become even more so and onto much greater things than being the shining light in her parents' eyes.
Taraz
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