The Opening Scene Is a Joke (No, Seriously)
The Opening Scene Is a Joke (No, Seriously)
I’ve watched some questionable movie openings in my life, but Jurassic World Rebirth really said, “Let’s break the record for dumbest possible setup.” 🤣Picture this: a state of the art dinosaur facility, backed by billion dollar tech, run by scientists and engineers who are supposed to be the best in the world and the entire system collapses because a Snickers candy bar gets stuck in a vent.
A Snickers bar, folks. Not even a meteor, not a dinosaur attack, not a major hacking scandal. Just a chocolate bar that blocks a fan, overheats a system, and causes a complete shutdown of the facility’s security. Apparently, someone forgot to invest in air filters or, you know, common sense.
This kind of writing makes you want to pause the movie and double check if you’ve accidentally tuned into a parody. I couldn’t suspend the disbelief I had to suspend my patience. The original Jurassic Park used clever scientific theories, chaos theory, and real world tech concepts to make things feel plausible. This movie throws all that out the window and replaces it with snack related sabotage. I guess the real villain wasn’t man’s hubris or nature’s fury it was caramel 🙂
A Family You’d Happily Feed to Raptors
A Family You’d Happily Feed to Raptors
Let’s move on to the core of the movie the family unit. Or as I like to call them: “the most insufferable group of people to ever survive a dinosaur outbreak.”
The older daughter walks around like the world owes her something. She’s constantly rolling her eyes, arguing with her dad, and acting like she’s got everything figured out. Spoiler: she doesn’t. She’s the type of character who would walk into a restricted zone, get chased by a dinosaur, and then blame someone else.
The boyfriend is as bland as unbuttered toast. His only role in the film seems to be delivering bad jokes, messing things up, and acting confused about every situation. I honestly thought he might be comic relief but the only joke was his existence. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a gem of a person but manh he’s clueless.
And the younger sister? I don’t even know where to begin. She’s this Dora the Explorer wannabe child who thinks she’s smarter than everyone, talks in riddles, and wanders off every five minutes like she’s looking for clues.
The dad is the only remotely grounded character in this disaster. He’s just trying to keep his family alive while silently wondering what bad karma landed him with this crew. You can see it in his eyes that desperate, tired look of a man who regrets saying yes to this situation.
Honestly, I was rooting for the dinosaurs.
Scarlett Johansson Is There.. and That’s About It
Let’s talk about the cast, starting with Scarlett Johansson, who plays a corporate liaison or scientist or field leader or something. Honestly, the movie doesn’t seem to know either. Her character is one of those vaguely competent types who pops in and out of scenes giving exposition and the occasional pep talk. She does what she can with what she’s given, but let’s be real even she seems bored.
She’s not bad. But she’s not memorable. The script gives her little room to show range, and the movie seems confused about whether she’s the lead, a side character, or just another name to throw on the poster. The rest of the cast are generic disaster movie cutouts: there’s the greedy CEO, the security guy who obviously dies early, and the rest of the security squad ai don’t seem to recall or even want to. You’ve seen these people before in better movies.
No one is given real depth or purpose, and it makes it hard to care about any of them. They’re just there to move the plot forward, or worse, stall it with pointless conversations about “family legacy” or “learning from our mistakes” while dinosaurs are presumably on a lunch break somewhere.
WHERE. ARE. THE. DINOSAURS.
WHERE. ARE. THE. DINOSAURS.
I cannot stress this enough this is a Jurassic movie. A dinosaur movie. A movie where I paid good money to watch prehistoric creatures stomp around, fight each other, chase humans, and generally do cool dino things. And yet, Jurassic World Rebirth somehow managed to sideline the very thing the franchise is built on.
What we get instead is over an hour of human drama, family therapy sessions, and random arguments. When the dinosaurs do appear, it’s like the movie remembers, “Oh yeah, we should probably show them off, huh?” and then tosses in a few CGI scene for five - ten seconds before cutting back to someone crying about their childhood trauma.
I didn’t come here to watch people talk about their feelings, I came to see a T-Rex bite a helicopter. Where’s the creativity ? Where’s the thrill ? The original movies gave us unforgettable scenes like the raptors in the kitchen, the first Brachiosaurus reveal, the T-Rex escape. This movie gives us.. uhmm a Titanosaurus grazing peacefully in the background while people admire it.
The Only Thing It Got Right: The Visuals
The Only Thing It Got Right: The Visuals
Okay, I’ll admit it Jurassic World Rebirth does look good but again only in a big screen. The CGI is solid, the dinosaurs (When They Show Up) look fantastic, and the environments are beautifully rendered. There’s a nighttime jungle scene that had some genuinely atmospheric lighting, and a brief underwater sequence that felt immersive and well designed.
The problem is that all this visual polish is wrapped around a script that feels like it was written by an AI trained only on soap operas and bad fanfiction. Good graphics can only take you so far. Without a strong story, believable characters, or any sense of tension or wonder, all that visual spectacle goes to waste.
It’s like buying a luxury car with no engine shiny, impressive, but ultimately useless.
Comparing It to the Classics: A Massive Step Backward
Comparing It to the Classics: A Massive Step Backward
The saddest part of all this is how far the franchise has fallen. The original Jurassic Park wasn’t just about dinosaurs, it was about the danger of playing god, the unpredictability of nature, and the thrill of discovery. Even Jurassic World (The First One) gave us a fun twist with the genetically modified Indominus Rex and some genuinely cool action.
Rebirth, on the other hand, feels like it was made by people who watched a recap of the old movies on YouTube and decided they could do it better. Spoiler: they couldn’t 😂
It has none of the heart, none of the tension, and none of the magic that made this franchise iconic. Instead, it’s a forgettable, formulaic mess that feels like a straight to streaming knockoff rather than a proper instalment in the Jurassic legacy.
Final Thoughts: Just Let This Franchise Go Extinct
Final Thoughts: Just Let This Franchise Go Extinct
There’s no way around it Jurassic World Rebirth is a bad movie. Not just disappointing, not just underwhelming bad. It wastes it’s cast, wastes its concept, and worst of all, wastes the dinosaurs. It’s the kind of film that makes you question how so many talented people can come together and still end up with something this hollow.
If you’re a fan of the franchise, skip this one and rewatch the classics. If you’re just here for dinosaur action, you’ll be better off watching a documentary or booting up Ark And if you do decide to watch it, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
At least now we know the real extinction level event wasn’t the asteroid, it was this script 🤣
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