The Bad Movies

18: Ghost of Mars

We're starting off this list with one of the most boring, dull horror movies that's ever been made. This film is basically just a horror flick about space zombies on mars pretty much. And, while that sounds goofy in a good way, it's presented in such an uninteresting, awful way with little redeeming qualities. Almost all of John Carpenters films have good cinematography with interesting composition shots that direct your eyes to specific items or characters. This movie is just dull, and drab looking with nothing but point and shoot shots that look like literally any person could do. The acting is really shit, even from Ice Cube who I expected to be fun since he's pretty over the top/himself in most films. The narrative doesn't make a whole ton of sense, and just seemed like a slop ridden mess. To give you an idea of how dumb the story is, the main character ends the film by deciding to set a nuke off to kill ghosts, and ends up getting a ton of people killed. Hands down his worst movie for me.

17: Escape From L.A.

The next entry on my list was pretty close to being the last, as I would consider it nearly as bad as Ghosts of Mars, just for different reasons. Escape From New York is one of my absolute favorite movies, it would probably tie for number 3 on my top list, but, I figured I shouldn't include it here since I'm talking about this pile of dog ass. Escape From L.A. is basically a beat for beat remake of Escape From New York, there are so many story elements and shots that are exactly the same without changing anything. It's just very lazy and shitty. The tone of the movie differs from the original film as well. The original movie had a very low-key campiness to it that helped make it enjoyable, this movie should have that same kind of thing but it doesn't come off campy or comedic. It just comes off as very stupid. The effects and performances are very poor all around, minus Kurt Russel, who does a good job as being Snake Plissken still. The only things this movie has going for it is that it does some cool stuff with landmarks and parts of the city, something that Escape from New York didn't do, and that it has a very cynical ending that fits the tone of the main character very well. Otherwise, fuck this movie. Just go watch Escape From New York and enjoy that.

16: Vampires

This one might be a bit of a split reaction to anyone who has watched this film. I've heard from a good amount of people that they've enjoyed this movie, or at least enjoyed it as a guilty pleasure. I, however, don't vibe with mom jeans James Woods hunting boring monsters. There is some stuff in the first 30 minutes that I enjoyed, like seeing the vampire hunter group clearing out a house and showing how they work and operate. But, it very much becomes super dull after about 20-25 minutes in and things just dive into the ground. James Wood gives a very sarcastic performance throughout, which is the only form of actual entertainment for the rest of the movie. And, only because it's literally just him adlibbing shitpostesque dialogue. Kind of like this post, you crusty virgins. It genuinely feels like an edgy 15 year old wrote the script for the movie. So, if that's your thing maybe you'll twist your nipples in pleasure over it. But, yeah. Just a pretty bad film for the most part.

3: They Live

Now we're onto the part of the list where I can actually talk about some movies I love, and first up is They Live. This movie has flaws, but I genuinely love the film so much I can look past them. The scene in the movie when he finds the glasses and "wakes up" to what's really happening around him in the world is absolutely fantastic, and gets referenced by mentally ill conspiracy theorists to this day, so you obviously know it must be fucking cool. The rampage he goes on after that scene is awesome as well, definitely one of my favorite scenes. Roddy Piper does a good job playing a working class man, though this is one of the very few times where I think he did a good job acting. Keith David is amazing in this like he is in everything he's been in. The score is super well done as is tradition with John Carpenters work on his films music. The message and point of the film isn't ham fisted or preachy, which I think helped tremendously with it aging. It also features quite possibly the best god damn back alley brawl scene in film history that goes on and on and fucking on. This film definitely slows down in the second half and gets sloppy with the narrative, things become very convenient out of nowhere and it just hurts the film a bit. But, a very rewatchable film that is still one of my absolute favorites.

2: Big Trouble in Little China

While this isn't my number 1, it's easily my second favorite. This is an insanely fun 80's movie that descends into weird shit more and more the longer you continue to watch it. I fucking love it. There's giant kung fu gang fights, men riding lightning with supernatural abilities, underground dungeons that seem layered like Dante's Inferno or some shit. It's just great. The main character is played by Kurt Russel, and he's actually basically the side kick throughout the whole movie. It's a gimmick that you'd think would get boring quick, but it never does. He's always confused as fuck, with no idea what the hell is happening. The dialogue is fast and snappy, though very campy obviously with the subject material being very fucking campy. Definitely more of a comedy flick with lots of mystic kung fu stuff in it. The wire work is super well done, the action is some of the best John Carpenter ever pulled off. The sets are awesome, the lighting and cinematography is really cool. Just a unique movie overall that has a few small issues, but, it definitely earns a 2nd place in my heart. Oh, and the main theme song John Carpenter did is truly a work of art, just beautiful.

1: The Thing

The Thing is hands down my absolute favorite movie from John Carpenter. It's an absolutely perfectly assembled movie from start to finish. Every practical effect in this movie was done so fucking well that they still look absolutely amazing almost 40 years later. The creativity that went into making the monster such an alien being that is both gross, yet awesome, is just so fucking good you could cream your pants over it. The atmosphere of the movie is dense with feelings of isolation, anxiety and paranoia that no other movies have ever really given me. Thanks in big part to the setting of the movie being cold and taking place in the literal middle of nowhere with no place to go while a threat lurks in hiding. Another thing I love about the characters in the movie is all of their actions are completely rational, and what a lot of people would do in the same situation. The characters themselves are all good, with solid performances from every actor. The pacing is perfect, the score is perfect, the cinematography is perfect. To me, this film is literally a perfectly made movie, and easily my favorite horror film.

The only thing I could point out that isn't great in this movie, is some stop motion work towards the end of the movie which looks kinda meh, and that the final battle that happens seems a bit rushed. I think there could have been a bit more effort put into it, but, it works just fine and doesn't dampen the movie at all. It has a very dark ending, that is the perfect fit for the rest of the movie. And, even with the dread ridden tone of the film I still have fun every time I watch it and would highly recommend it. Watch it, you pussy.

Well, there you go. I'm not sure how John Carpenter got to do such a huge streak of movies considering that almost all of them bombed financially, but thank whatever otherworldly god gave him 100 skill in luck. Hope you enjoyed the list with very my brief little reviews attached. Happy Halloween, you fucking ghoulish assholes.