This movie felt like a fungus on Lana Wachowski's foot.
Ed
I've been now staring at this sentence for a while, and this is my favorite intro by far, it sums up the work of half of the Wachowskis duo, with this not so awaited reboot of the franchise, that will definitely ends all discussions on whether or not the first Matrix was a beautiful accident, a lighting in a bottle that can never be reproduced, and if we want to see another trilogy of old people doing sad & stiff choreographies filmed with student equipment, with poor photography, and free copyrighted music.
Welcome to my review of The Matrix Resurrections, it was totally unexpected, but like a passionate enraged lover, I am writing this to you Lana, and the Matrix, to let you know that this is over between us.
You see, since we've "seen" each other, I've grown as an individual, and while I still enjoy fake leather pants from time to time, I really can't stand mediocrity anymore, it slowly crept in, from one movie to another, and ended up 22 years later, with a dumpster fire. š„
In the beginning, it was love at first sight. Your magnificent intro in the original The Matrix, the music that sets the tone, the visual effects, we hear the voices of 2 protagonists, it's charming, intriguing, yet simple:
(Cellular)
Cypher: Yeah.
Trinity: Is everything in place?
Cypher: You werenāt supposed to relieve me.
Trinity: I know, but I felt like taking your shift.
Cypher: You like him, donāt you? You like watching him.
Trinity: Donāt be ridiculous.
Cypher: Weāre going to kill him, do you understand that?
Trinity: Morpheus believes he is The One.
Cypher: Do you?
Trinity: It doesnāt matter what I believe.
Cypher: You donāt, do you?
Trinity: Did you hear that?
Cypher: Hear what?
Trinity: Are you sure this line is clean?
Cypher: Yeah, ācourse Iām sure.
Trinity: I better go.
Instant...Classic...
One thing for sure I have to thank you for Lana, with this latest convoluted mess, you made The Matrix Reloaded and The Matrix Revolutions look like they belong to the same universe, and gave them a coherence, what I would have never thought possible.
This...Thing I've just watched...Isn't the Matrix.
What I witnessed tonight, ladies and gentlemen, is a real symbol of a dying industry, that doesn't know how to survive post pandemic and just gave up on making good movies.
Blame it on covid, blame it on vanity, blame it on Tiktok if you have to, or on the people needing to cash in that sweet, sweet Matrix money, but I should have sensed that something was wrong while watching the trailer:
Listen, I am not going to give you bullet points on what is wrong with The Matrix Resurrection, and trying to have a decent argumentation, I am way too passionate on the subject, instead I am going to keep on venting, and eventually there will be an end when there are no words to be said, which means the post is finished.
Of course all eyes will be on me, because I am the first one to talk about it, to the people out there that enjoyed the movie, there is something wrong with you in the first place š¤!
Don't make me write bullet points aaaah:
- Some shots are good, and other are B grade amateur level
- Keanu Reeves looks like he is heavily sedated
- The dialogues, are really poorly written
- A script that is trying too hard to surf on the nostalgia, while really ruining the magic of the original
- Bad acting, all around, across all board
- Forced woke bullshit, shoved down your throat
- The music...Sounds like they hired someone on fiver
- I can't believe I am writing bullet points
- Confusing plot, with irrelevant scenes
- Everyone got some brand new veneers (that's a positive point I guess)
- The action scenes are slow, sluggish, unchoreographed. Yes, that's a term, it's like someone was there to make sure that everyone stand still during the sequence, and make as little movement as possible, in the stiffest, most robotic way possible.
- It was sad, but in a very unintended manner
- It tried to be funny
I could continue on and on for hours, just piling up what went wrong with this sinking ship, instead I am trying to find one positive thing...
Ah yes! I know! They are reusing a lot of old shots, sequences, from the Matrix 1, 2 and 3, that was the best part of the movie.
In other word, the best part of the movie, wasn't in the movie.
Now, I know you silly Hivers, you are going to tell me "Ed, I am sure you are exaggerating, I am sure it ain't THAT bad".
Ok then, let's play a game. I invite you to put the movie on, and see how long you last.
I had to physically make sure to stay in the same room, as my body wanted to go somewhere else, as if fully conscious of the trauma based mind control š and the ongoing torture.
I eventually managed to go through the 2 hours and a half, of self indulging, at times borderline parodic, attempt to make a movie, but I won't lie, it was one the most painful cinematographic experience ever.
Listen, I am a movie lover. I love them so much, I consumed them my entire life, and you always remember when you've watched your favorite movie of all time.
It happened that in 1999, The Matrix changed the world, changed my life too.
My son name is Neo, for christ sake! Ok fair enough, it wasn't entirely linked to the movie, it means "gift of god" in Sotho, but still, The Matrix, the red and blue pill, the white rabbit, the allegory of our society, is...Was more than ever relevent in today's society, when I saw another Matrix coming out, I had a little bit of hope, I thought "Yes, finally another movie that will open the minds of our youth, push the boundaries", and instead, we got something that will be long forgotten, some things aren't meant to last, especially the good ones.
This is why I am forever thankful that there isn't (yet) a reboot for Back To The Future, or The Gremlins, because Robert Zemeckis or Joe Dante have so much respect for their craft, for the universe they built, that they would never make compromises, cut corners, just because MONEY.
I would have been ok with a 12 episodes Netflix series, with a Matrix stamp on it, but this "movie" should have never happened, and now it's out there, and there are 2 more to go. I don't think I have the heart for this, someone might have to take the relay for the next one.
If you have watched The Matrix Resurrections, give me your best one-liner roast in the comment section :)
