Larry Fink CEO of BlackRock, Announced a New Crypto Product Today, Bitcoin Souls!
Fink explains the concept came to him while attending a funeral of a BlackRock inters, and browsing Coin Market Cap.
From Fink - "We (BlackRock) own 10% of public traded assets in the U.S. and globally, we're in competition with ourselves now and there just isn't much left to buy. So there I am at the funeral of one of our interns, and his family and friends were all weeping and wailing that he was far too young, and I had to agree - - while we did get a few 100-hour billing weeks from him - there was a lifetime and more of value there to capture, and we lost it. We're not even sure he even paid off his student loans yet and BlackRock owns all the student loan debt now - so it's just a huge loss of value - for us.
Now the priest starts talking about his immortal soul - and it hits me like a lightning bolt - BAM- long term assets, ETERNAL ASSETS.
I take it back to the nerds we keep in the Blackrock Basement - and I say nerds, we need a product with souls and add that crypto stuff too, the kids all want the cryptos. So the nerds run it through the FinkleTron.AI - it's an Artificial Intelligence based on my brain scans - Imagine a million billion Larry Finks never sleeping, never tired - thinking about making me, I mean our shareholders more money!
After about 15 minutes it spits out the greatest idea of in the history of great ideas.
BitCoin Souls!
Now imagine the current state of the soul market. You head down to the crossroads, make a deal with some shady middleman for Beelzebub - you get your lambo - the Devil gets your soul, and that's the end of business. Not only is it a one time sale, but there's no way to even capture value on those suckers roasting away in Hell - so this is the opportunity for Blackrock. All the crypto-nerds love Bitcoin, look at how those maxis all lost their minds over a Tweet. They want all the Bitcoin they can their grubby hands on!
With BlackRock's BitCoin Souls, the maxis and the mini's can stake fractional shares of their souls in exchange for a Bitcoin dividend. BlackRock can then lease those souls back to Lucifer - in exchange for more Bitcoin. It turns out the Devil and Hell has all this wasted heat - so we got the nerds at BlackRock geothermal to convert that heat to power, and now they're mining Bitcoin in Hell at the cheapest power prices in the network. So we've got the Devil mining cheap Bitcoin and we don't even have to buy it at market rates.
Now you might say Larry, isn't the Devil pissed at you for cutting in on his action? Well I called my boys up at the SEC - turns out souls are securities, and the Devil has been playing fast and loose with filings and taxes, so after a few letters from Gary Gensler - even Satan was ready to play ball. It works out for him too, going to down the crossroads is just a completely inefficient way to buy souls - absolutely archaic when we have interwebs and smart contracts. Not to mention the demons he was losing to drunk drivers - putting your salesmen on a dark crossroads at midnight was never the brightest move, and the workers compensation claims were really cutting into Hell's bottom line.
Now here's where it gets truly brilliant, the secondary market! Say your listening to your Taylor Swift albums, you're her biggest fan - you've got your posters and your t-shirts - what if you could own a fractional share of Taylor's soul? The potential is endless.
I called up my good buddy Jim Cramer, and he said we could make even more money by selling jpegs of the souls, he called them them NFTS. I'm like Cramer - what if just right click on the soul. Cramer said we could get the nerds to turn off right click. These crypto guys will buy anything! We're buying up these nerds called FriendTech and their going to run the rollout for BlackRock.
Now here's where it gets down right diabolical - I talked to my buddy Tim Cook at Apple, he's cooking up an I-Phone made out of asbestos - the I-Hell-Pro-Max 17 - were going to ship them down to hell preloaded with Mobile Games - and it's all ads and more ads, imagine these poor suckers clicking our ads till the end of time.
BitCoin Souls boys - an eternal revenue stream!
Thanks to Inleo's Eric Na for permission to use the image!