I have a habit of trying to engage in deep conversation with people wherever possible. Since I was young, I always had a dislike for small talk. I didn't know how to explain it to other people other than to call it a dislike of things devoid of meaning.
Now I realize that dislike and the judgement that small talk was meaningless was more about all the lack of attention I saw put on things that seemed to deserve much more weight and attention.
Back then almost no one cared about all the tragedies of the world. No one seemed to care about injustices carried out against disenfranchised people or what was done in their name by politicians. They didn't seem to care about anything at all other than sports and TV programs.
Now that "caring" has become a public sport, and my desire to talk about deeper subjects is hardly rare, I'm forced to reflect.
Something is still not right.
I realize that I come away from serious conversations drained. This is not just due to disagreeing with people, it can happen even when we are on the same page. The world weighs heavy when you look at it in such a serious frame.
Now that so many people of various leanings care about so many things, and have so much to say about them, it's easy to end up in complaining competitions as well. Who can complain the hardest about a politician they don't like? Who can talk the most shit against bureaucracy and taxation?
It can also become a bit of a membership badge to show you have certain opinions about certain things, and to express the opposite may be alienating and lead to you feeling less welcome somewhere.
There is also the issue of framing, the one I initially wanted to discuss in detail here but will save for another day. When you explain yourself, you open yourself up to questioning and other people's question leaves you vulnerable to falling into their frame.
"Why don't you visit your family more often?"
I could answer that with a joke or in a casual manner, but if I decide to go into depth about that it forces me to either speak about it in a way that the other person can't relate to at all which will either lead to tension, or force me to adopt their framing momentarily.
Neither of these choices are necessarily bad, but there's the question of whether they are worth your energy and time. How much does the other person truly want to understand you, and how much are they in "Small talk mode" but with a heavier topic? They may not really care but are just looking for something to talk about, in which case, a disagreement or adopting their frame to explain to them honestly are both a waste of energy.
This may not be their fault, they may not have the experience and emotional availability to really take in your answer. They may see it as an attack. They may be too stuck in their own problems to see that one size does not fit all and that your values don't have to align with theirs. Chances are, we've been the same way as well. It's just habit, because all of us are problem solvers.
I'm being a bit vague here because this is a much bigger topic that I'm trying to condense into a short sidenote.
In any case, I realized recently that small talk is usually just an invitation. People don't know what to talk about but they want to connect with you, and so they just say something to break the ice. They may not be that witty, they may want to save their wit and depth to make sure you are in the mood for it, they may want to take it slow and feel you out first.
They may want to build rapport so it's easier to talk about other things. I think this is actually what's missing from most dialogues these days. People are all brain and no heart when they talk. They have their logical (or illogical) arguments and present them without building an emotional connection to the person they are talking to and so it quickly devolves into a battle.
Try having the same battle with someone when your strongest desire is to understand them better. It doesn't feel like nearly as much as a battle.
If you make a conscious effort to never engage in inflammatory speech but also have a willingness to discuss all kinds of topics, you will find that your conversations go a lot smoother, even if you disagree with the other person.
What I'm trying to cultivate now is a habit of keeping things fun, even when the topic gets heavy and dark.
I learned to appreciate stand up comedy, which is something I used to hate. I didn't like how it always relied on stereotypes and race and gender and other kinds of "identity". But after listening to a bunch of Dave Chappelle, Duncan Trussell, Akaash Singh and others, I realized these are sensitive people who are trying to talk about difficult topics in a way that can de-escalate tension.
I also want to become more capable at de-escalating sofficult topics with humor. Not humor that aims to attack but that aims to promote understanding and appreciatipn.
Small talk is just one of many tools that can help build up to that.
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