I tend to believe that being my worst critic is a mechanism to try to avoid being too arrogant. People have often told me that I seems unapproachable. And that it is that when they try their luck talking to me that they find out thing are not as they had previously thought. It happens all too often to be something normal.
I do not remember who told me this thing about confidence. That when one has it, people tend to be somehow afraid. Not all people, just the ones with confidence issues. But this is not about this thing of confidence. Maybe it is in some way.
If people knew that I tend to be quite harsh on myself everyday, maybe they would think twice about their opinions. It always goes they same way. There is no problem in trying new things. The results are the issue. Whenever I see something crooked, I start chastising myself. I cannot do thing perfect the first time, but that does not stop my brain. Maybe this is something that comes from this ridiculous custom at home. I have the best grade in all fields. I also finish college, the second time I got into it, with honors and as first of my class. That is to say the best GPA of all the 5 campuses of UDO at the time of graduation.
Has this gave some kind of recognition from my family? Not from my direct one. My mother was unamused the day of the act. Mothers of other students where ecstatic to talk to me when they saw me with the distinction. My friends as well. It was awesome.
Maybe my problem comes from always being less than enough for my mother. It so happens she had the same problem with her mother. But my older brother does not suffer from this. It is just me who has this issue. And this has earn me the habit of being too hard on myself even when I do a lot and have the drive and patience to work to be better.
For the longest time, I have looked at my work with the eyes of the worst critic. It is ok to have the ability for self-critic. Everything can be edited and improved, but if being too hard gives you anything, it is taking losing sight of how to do it.
I have been working on this on slow steps from time to time. Screwing up some instruments was the last drop on my harsh-self-criticism bender. I had to stop for a time and take a whole lot of days to unravel what makes me tick to be an asshole to my own person. It was not pretty. I felt sick some of the time. I came out trying to do things differently, but I still might need to do some therapy. And that will happen whenever I get the money to afford it.
For now, every time I feel like I'm going to start drinking of my own cup of poison, I stop. Take a deep breath. Try to pinpoint what is it exactly that is bothering me. Then try to look at the good things I'm doing. Sometimes it works; sometimes it does not. However, it is a work in progress. I have been playing the unkind card on myself for my whole life. Changing this behavior will take time. Fortunately, I like challenges and have the patience to practice kindness.
Wish me success on this path!
- Photos 📷: Redmi Note 13
- Editing 🎬: Adobe Photoshop Lightroom.
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