The limits in every relationship are fundamental...and recovering takes time, because love does not appear out of nowhere, it is not something that simply is.
It is built on the little things: on the words you choose, on how you show yourself vulnerable, on how you stay present, even when things get complicated.
It is a mutual work, a constant effort.That's all they decide to build together.
I have been through the drama in my relationship, those hard moments of disagreements that always seem to revolve around that, that many times we do not know how to say "enough" in a loving relationship, especially when we feel that something is not working. Without a doubt, this pattern affects our emotional well-being, it fucks up our life. It has to be said.
Years ago, during the first year of marriage, when I started my romantic relationship as a couple, I discovered that it was not being lived as a couple. It was more like a dynamic between mother and son or father and daughter, because of how he behaved, then my current husband.
Dynamics where I solved, took care, organized, guided and he waited, unloaded, postponed, and evaded. And in that logic, "there is no meeting between adults", because what there is is an emotional load that exhausts.
We were in total imbalance, assuming the roles of mom or dad and we were NOT doing it as a couple. We were not taking on the relationship as adults, we almost lost each other, until we got tired of "raising" ourselves and behaving like spoiled children.
My husband thought he was my dad, I had to go out with him everywhere, and if I went out alone it was a problem and he applied the ice law to me, bad faces and hurtful comments.
At that time, I was relatively newly married and very young.
My mom always told me: Janitze, if you accept this emotional disorder in order not to have war, first you will have the disorder and then you will still have, the war, with him. This is a thorny issue, and it must be taken into account from the beginning of coexistence to solve it.
No one with self-esteem can stand it and if he does, he seeks to solve it. Without a doubt, neither as a man, nor as a woman, we are dad or mom to provide him with money 24 hours a day for 7 days a week, nor to act as a bodyguard to take care of him, nor his driver.
After attending a lot of couples therapy, after a separation for six months and a child on the way, by mutual agreement, with time, patience and care, we decided to see each other as a couple, to accompany each other, support each other, have intimacy and closeness as a couple, from equality from growing up together as a couple and that has nothing to do with the bond between parents and children.
We both learned to solve from the individual and side by side there were things to review and solve. Because without reciprocity, there is nothing. This is almost a mantra for me! Galenkp, and after 48 years of marriage... I think so.
I love watching from my sofa, my privacy next to my partner. This cover photo, he just took it, for the weekend engagement.
Janitze 🌹
Icons by: Icofinder
Separator made with [Canva] ( https://www.canva.com /) by @janitzearratia
The images in this post are taken with my iPhone 12, the Infinix pro-note 30 or with the eighties Rolleiflex 2.8f camera, and edited with [Canva] ( https://www.canva.com /)
Translation with / [DeepL] (www.DeepL.com/Translator (English version))