It is the end of the weekend, but momlife has me waiting until Sunday night to post about me being at my worst.
Photo by Jose Francisco Morales on Unsplash
When I think about me being at my worst, what comes to mind is when I assign myself the label of being a terrible mother. I know I am not a bad mom. I love my kids endlessly, but there are moments when I have failed them. Whenever this happens, whenever I feel regret at my behavior as a mom, it is when I have lost control of myself. Sometimes that means that I have yelled at my kids. Well, not just yelling, but yelling at them. It feels like I have attacked the most precious things in my life afterwards and I collapse in regret at what I have done by losing myself in the moment to the anger and frustration that seemed to consume me at the time. I do go back later and apologize, and I make concerted efforts at controlling myself so that there are fewer episodes like this. Gratefully, it does not happen often. Dare I say, it happens rarely, but when it does, it makes an impression on my heart and soul.
One such event in which I would say was my worst was about 10 years ago. I had 4 children under the age of 5. I was a frazzled mother with lack of sleep and running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I had 2 in diapers, nursing one, and just busy. They were playing with their toys- Woody, Buzz Lightyear, and Jesse from Toy Story. There was a fight about who owned Woody and who owned Buzz. There was yelling and tears from the kids about it and something got broken in the process.
Photo by Finn Mund on Unsplash
I don't remember everything that happened leading up to MY meltdown, but I remember the frustration, anger and fatigue taking me over. To my shame, I gave into it. I grabbed the Woody doll and yelled at my sweet little kids about how we don't just go breaking things because we are mad. I was yelling and then I gave into the volcano of anger that was threatening to erupt. Poor Woody was the victim. I was asking them if it was okay for me to do the same just because I was mad, and I held Woody's feet slamming his head repeatedly onto the tile countertop until his head broke in half. It was my eruption. My kids' mouths were agape, they were probably crying, and I think that I was crying at this point as well.
Photo by Nsey Benajah on Unsplash
I think I collapsed into a heap and gathered them around me like a mother gathering her chicks telling them how sorry I was. Those were the days when I counted down to naptime, and sometimes 10 minutes felt like an hour. Young mothers know the feeling well. You just take it one day at a time.
That day is one that sticks with me as a lesson to not let myself lose control. I learned that I need to make sure to take care of myself so that I wouldn't lose control of myself giving in to the anger. It is normal for mothers to have feelings of anger and frustration, but I learned to practice more patience and where my boundaries are in relation to my boiling point. I do things that are healthy to destress like exercising, dancing, singing, making sure I get more sleep, praying, and one of my favorites: tagging my husband when I have had enough.
I don't think that this scarred them or me. It did have an impact, and I did make changes and learn from it. We can learn and grow from anything that comes our way. It also made me much more aware of young mothers. I ask them if they need help or a break. I know what it is like to be overwhelmed in the moment. The days of having multiple toddlers at my feet are over. My youngest is 7 now, but I learned lessons then that have made me a better mother now. My kids remember the Woody incident if asked. They remember fighting over the doll and me breaking Woody. They said they remembered me being mad. I jokingly asked her if she thought I had gotten better since then to which she replied, "definitely."
My oldest. Now we look back and reminisce about the crazy times back then with smiles on our faces.
Thanks for the memories @galenkp, posts like this have me thinking back and recording things like this that I may not have otherwise.