In 1729 Jonathan Swift (you might know him as the author of Gulliver's Travels) published the pamphlet, 'A Modest Proposal for Preventing the Children of Poor People from being a burden to their parents or country and for making them beneficial to the public'.
If you havn't read it, you need to, it is delicious (pun intended).
I am course targeting the 'I want to change society' prompt. As a school teacher in a management position, I so often get parents ring up: 'Mrs whoever is giving my kid homework. What are you going to do about it?' or, 'Mr kid wants to move class, the teacher is forcing them to do work'. Or one of my favourites, 'My kid has no friends left because they bullied everyone, if you don't make the other kids be her friend again, I'm going to the media'.
(And yes, this piece is satirical - before the outrage begins!)
A Modest Proposal for Preventing the Parents of Australia of becoming a burden to their children and country and making them beneficial to betterment of our economy and place in history.
The Weekend Manifesto of the Slightly Honorable, Arguably Dishonorable LordTimoty:
Hear ye, Hear ye.
Have you ever walked down the street and noticed you can barely take another step, lest you step on the body of a drugged up young man - with despair in his eyes and a lifeless hollow in his heart. Have you ever stopped for just one moment to look at the young women who parade our streets - drink in hand, and then another, and then another. Young people, roaming the streets, forced to find food in a dumpster, without a job and without any dignity. Our society is in a sad state, and just think of their parents - words could not express the utter state of their minds.
And indeed, it is their minds which have caused this great calamity - decreeing the benefits of entitlement, they have created children with no resilience, and a demanding temperament. These parents have crafted a generation who take no responsibility, and who only seek to endear in their young people a sense of their own self worth, which they imagine, is greater than everyone else's worth.
Well, fear not - there is hope, and I have calculated a marvelous plan, to benefit our society and bring us back into the twenty first century with bright hopes of making the twenty-second, not just as a society which is alive - but one who is actively thriving with hope and expectation! One which will need no introduction, as it will be the prime example of humanity! One, which I am assured, will allow for history to record us as the greatest generation that hath ever lived!
Now, by my exacting calculations, in this great land there are approximately 27 million souls. Of these, I calculate there are approximately 4.2 million people over the age of seventy, which will not be included in the plan. That leaves approximately 8.5 million young people, with, by my calculation of a reproduction rate of 2.1 per 2.0, leaving approximately 8.9 million parents. It can be assumed then that a further 2.3 million people are in an older age bracket then necessary for the enactment of the plan, while a further 3.1 are in a state of singleness and will be transitioning into breeding in the near future. It is with these demographic figures that I make my proposal.
I propose that the Government of Australia should immediately confiscate all the land in the humble state of South Australia - wherein, they should immediately set out to build a fence around each of the borders to a height of ten feet, with barbed wire running a further foot in the air around the perimeter. In one of the walls facing Melbourne, a small gate shall be installed, approximately three metres in width to allow a truck to both enter and exit.
As property is confiscated, and lands seized, I would propose each resident of South Australia be assessed for their age and breeding status. Any parent of a young person under the age of 18 shall remain behind, while the children themselves shall be shipped to the state of Tasmania, the former penal colony of the early 1800s favoured by the British. That state shall take on it's former name, Van Diemen's Land, and be allowed to fulfill it's legacy.
Once this process has begun, all parents around this suffering nation of ours will be required to leave their homes and jobs and elderly family and move to South Australia! In this place, they will begin a rigorous program designed to transform these so-called parents into responsible adults who value hard work, decent ethics, and education. These adults will transform from hunched over members of the parenting class, to an erect standing citizen, capable of showing respect to others, and in turn, instilling this as a necessity into their own children. HaHa! The genuis of the plan!
In talking through my plan with some of my more progressive counterparts, they have certainly pointed out what they perceive to be a flaw - largely, how will the children, now in Van Diemen's land, themselves come to be sound parents, having been exposed to such an upbringing? My dear friends, I tell them. Once the children turn the age of 18, they will be instantly shipped to South Australia to begin their own reform program.
While it's true, some of these young people may find it difficult to renounce their beliefs in their own God-complex - A number I currently estimate at 3.8 million, but having been in the penal colony, will likely drop to 3.3 million. I propose that we simply keep them in Tasmania!
It will be a boom for the Tasmanian economy, which currently only contributes 1.7% of Australia's total GDP. By increasing Tasmania's current population of 542,000 to 3.842 million, I would expect Tasmania to become the engine room of the Australian economy - which will be to the benefit of those on the mainland who are now crafting a better society!
Now, once the South Australian program has been completed, parents from all over the country will be entitled to return to their homes, where they will have the opportunity to again have further children to raise in a right and responsible way. From this time on, children will wear their bike helmets! They will not be raised by an iPad! And, they will learn skills like mending clothing, mowing their own lawns and baking sweet-goods for new neighbours!
This plan will of course then have added bonuses, as we reduce landfill from fast-fashion, it will also lead to a boom in the flour-milling industry and sugar sales will go through the roof - continuing to move Australia's unemployment figures lower. Additionally, the struggling tourism industry, near collapse following the close of international borders, will be struggling now to keep up with demand as people come from all around the world to witness the birth of the newest world empire! - I predict this will add a further 14.2% to Australia's current GDP, and will allow us to raise the pension, rewarding the older generations in our society who did parenting well - this assumption of course will need to be measurable, to make sure the rewards are not equally distributed.
And then there is the benefit of immigration - as the world turns it's head to look at us, people from all around the world will want to come here. This will have the effect of decreasing our median age and ensuring income tax will continue to grow for the foreseeable future! It will also lead to an increase in the jobs market, as people will be required to build housing and infrastructure - leading to both wage growth and further taxation benefits!
And so, I humble offer this plan, with no expectation of a statue being raised in my honour, or financial compensation being offered. I myself am not a parent and will not be required to move to South Australia - and thus, will miss the benefit of this radical reform in my own life.
Yet, I will the enjoy the weekend!
Thanks for joining me for this little satirical piece - it responded to Galen's Weekend Posting thread, link here.
All .GIFs used in this piece are from Tenor, directly embedded through the PeakD GIF option.