I spend most of my childhood, living in fear. Scared to be in my own home. Sacred to be too loud, to do wrong, to be too much, to be seen even at times. That fear, led me to finding refuge outdoors in nature, walking the countryside, climbing trees, so much more at home in the wild. I understand at a very young age, how cruel life could be. So I began to dream of far away places, of distant lands, to explore, where I would be safe.
Nature always called to me, the darkness too, it was easier to hide in the dark. Easier to be invisible. Everyday, my escape was outside, with the trees and my animal friends. My fear, bonded me more with nature, it drove me to do what I needed in order to get away, to study abroad and travel. Fear has been a huge part of my life. And yet, I have found ways to accept it and move forward.
When I began my birthing journey with my eldest daughter, I was ecstatic. But as the hours rolled on, my midwife, began to overstep her role and go against her word. Doing way too many interventions and stalling my birth, telling me that I was not suitable for a home birth. I found myself hiding from her on the bathroom, just so I could have some peace and reduce the pain I was experiencing. Fear is not something you want present during birth.
In the end, she took me to hospital, where my daughter was born by suction and I was violated. The presence of my fear, affecting my daughter and disrupting the natural release of hormones for both of us. It was a very traumatic birth. I had a lot of anger afterwards. But because of that experience, because of my fear, I ended up becoming very passionate about freedom of birth, which led me to train as a doula.
It has been my fear that has led me to make some very big decisions in life, I am not saying that I am living out of fear, but that it was a driving force, for me to live as I do. I wanted my girls to grow up feeling free, free to express themselves, to explore. Free to feel safe in their surroundings. To not become molded by society, but by their own imaginations. By their own hands.
So when I read the following question by @galenkp as part of the Weekend Engagement Challenge, I knew straight away what my answer would be.
If you could take a drug that blocked you from feeling fear (but it would wipe your last ten years of memory) would you take it and why, and if not why not?
It was an easy answer really, I don't want a life without fear. It's something we need. I understand that at times it can be debilitating, that it can take over. But I managed to find my way around it, to use it to motivate me, to drive me even. It's all a matter of perception. I'm not saying that it's easy. it's not, fear never feels good. But it is an important part of life, my fear has really shaped me.
At the end of the day, it's my opinion, my experiences that have resulted in that opinion. Being able to see how important it has been for me to accept my fears and find ways to move forward. Having nature as my refuge and my love of dancing have played and continue to play a big part in that. Plus living as I do, knowing that I'm strong and capable, that I get shit done, that I'm not so dependent on the system. Placing freedom above it all.
So yeah I'll be keeping my fear thank you. And even though the last ten years have been very challenging, I would not want to lose my memories of them, those challenges resulted in my growth.
The photos used in this post are mine.
