I have done a lot for my mother, being in a state of dependence is not easy for those who take care of the sick person, certainly much less so for those who can not fend for themselves, at least I think so.
I've pushed my body far more than I should, even more so when I have to take care of myself due to a chronic cervical condition. I shouldn't lift weights, although I did a lot despite my own discomfort. However, this time I decided to take my rest very seriously. I'm also attending weekly therapy with a chiropractor, and I really want it to work.
For some reason, my body is asking me to stop, to dedicate some time to recovery if I truly want it to happen. Besides, I can't expect to help carry someone else's weight when I feel my own head struggling to stay attached to my body.
My mother needs help now. Of her direct descendants we are 8, almost all of us are relatively close, some more than others, but at least in the same country and the same city, only one sister lives out of the country some years ago.
My mother is not alone, however, since all this started, I mean her dependency situation, I have been one of those who have been closer, but now I decided to stay a little aside to see if I can get better and feel good.
I still stay close and visit her frequently, I bring her chicken soup and some juices, but I don't stay with her anymore and I don't help her get out of bed or off the couch, I let my siblings take care of her.
I know very well what it means to take care of my mother and I wish I could help my siblings more, something I am not doing, I already explained a part of that. Also, financially, at the moment I am not helping either, my income goes to paying the rent, internet, my food, some supplements for the same cervical issue and now the weekly payment of the chiropractor.
At times I feel like a villain, a voice nags me inside and tells me that I can give more, that I should try harder, even if my body hurts and suffers, pero so far I am still complete, or at least it seems so.
At times I feel bad for giving priority to paying for my therapies with the chiropractor, instead of offering that money as a contribution for everything necessary for my mother's care: paying for the lady who takes care of her during the day, diapers, expensive food, medical studies.
At other times I think that I am very hard on myself, I have already given enough, really, and I want to keep on giving but until I feel better I cannot abandon myself, mainly I count only on myself and I hope it will be that way for the rest of my life, always being able to count on me.