When my cousin asked me how to get unstuck from a vicious cycle, I couldn’t give a straight answer. What she was asking me to help her with is something I am still trying to find my way around.
There’s a reason the Feminine has been tossed out the window. I don’t know how it is around the world but come to Nigeria. Women with kids working to put food on the table. Gone are the days when men did the hard work. Most women, especially young ladies who need to earn something to provide break their back doing a man’s job.
Women here ride Keke’s to earn a living. They lift blocks and mix cements. They go to fish and they work at construction sites. They do Uber (risky - I even wonder how) and anything they can find their hands on. Many of them are the providers of the home despite having a husband. They pay the children school fees, settle bills at home and deal with a man who nags about how they do nothing right.
When my cousin asked me how she can stop labeling men as pest, I was speechless. Now, this girl has quite the history. Just like mine, her father was irresponsible. She became responsible for herself at the young age of fifteen. She matured earlier than most girls her age and she learned street smarts. She depended on herself for so long that now, she doesn’t understand the concept of being vulnerable.
If you ask me, gone are the days that Feminine could be vulnerable in strength. When a woman can be soft and not fear being taken advantage of. When she can love and not fear being labelled a fool. When she can relax and truly depend on anyone. Because we, this generation of women, have been taught that no man is worth the time. The lesson ingrained into our very minds either through direct experiences or watching it happen to people around us. We have now gotten so comfortable providing for ourselves and being the boss that the thought of “loving a man” makes our stomach churn.
I started this year with a theme: Healing. Healing my emotions and letting go of all the things holding me back. I realised that the first thing I’d have to do was forgive my father. For making me feel like I was not reason enough to stay. Forgive him for all the pain he caused. Forgive him despite it all because that pain might translate to my kids. I might end up teaching them bitterness. They may learn the wrong things from me.
What I want to give my kids are wisdom keys to prosperity and happiness not burdens. So, I asked myself if I can truly heal. If I can bring back my feminine. Was I ever feminine? I have been providing for as long as I can remember and even now, while I work on myself, I feel that nastiness on some days. I feel that anger that comes from having to do everything myself. The temptation to look at men as beneath me. I still feel it. But I’m a work in progress. It’s not easy at all. I’m still learning to let go of the hurt that men in my life have caused me. Especially my father. I’m still learning to see a human when I look at a man and not an animal. It’s hard. But this is why we need Love. This is why I need to learn to Love. Love is almost extinct from this world. We are so guarded and ready to attack that we don’t care who might get hurt in the process as long as we are okay. Sometimes, Self Love becomes toxic selfish and we fail to realise that. We fail to SEE it, then we turn around and blame people for not wanting to stick around our bullshit.
Frankly, I don’t know if the world can ever learn the language of love again. I know I can. I can bring back MY feminine. The one who attracts. The one who calls. The one who commands with only my presence. It’s called the Divine Feminine. She doesn’t strive, she thrives. She doesn’t compete, she builds. She doesn’t fight, she nurtures. That is who I am, and all I want to be.
