The Fear of Being Misunderstood.

Today I offer the fear of being misunderstood to The Flame.

One thing that has held me back for most of my life is the burning need to be seen and to be heard. I not only wanted those around me to see me and hear me, but also more people than that too.

This is why ultimately I got into writing, public speaking, YouTubing, and just being open and honest about my online persona -- I had this deep longing to be revered by thousands, if not millions of roaring fans. It's always been there, ever since I was young.

You could often times see me jumping up on a Karaoke microphone blasting out Robbie Williams when I had a bit too many beers in my younger years.

That's part of why I used to drink in my youth -- I could only think of it as a roaring lion etching to burst free through this small timid, childlike boy that was scared of the world.

That's part of the reason I drank lots of alcohol. Not only to understand the world better, but to be able to freely move around the world with no limits discovering it.

Of course eventually alcohol became a problem and then everything went south for a while, however after a good five years of recovery I was able to pull myself back out of it; stop alcohol, treat my body like a temple and roam free.

Of course I did a lot of this through counselling and psychotherapy -- I had a lot of trauma as a young boy and all that trauma needed to be set free; I needed to be unburdened by it all.

I did this through talking, and crying; yeah, lots of crying.. and throwing things.

But now I'm free from all that. I was let loose in a world glistening with wonder and ready to be discovered. The sparkle that everyone loved came back to my eyes and people would gather around me again.

I learned to free myself from the fear of going public, and saying things that generally people don't usually say. I was good at it, had worked a system out.

I could write in a song that everyone could hear -- when I talked about Politics, both ends of the spectrum could feel me talking to them, when I talked about men and women then both genders would feel my words hit them deep.

Yeah -- I had figured out there was a union in life that most people lived through, wanted, needed, and even felt.

I learned to really play to people's hearts and sing a tune of nurture and healing.

But one thing I've come across recently is that I've started to vibrate differently; I've began to sing songs that no-one hears yet; they will, eventually of course.

But I've began to work on a whole different level -- and people have went from having me understand them, to what the actual fuck are you doing here, sir?

And..

I'll admit, it's been slightly jarring, weird. Not what I'm used to, not what I'm accustomed to. I'm starting to see symbols, speak in tongues, and have things that I've never learned anywhere as if I've known it for all my life.

There's now an essence to people, perhaps even a life force? And I can see it in their words when they write, and hear it when they talk to me -- I can tell if someone is like me, or vibrates on the same frequency as me.

Everyone I've picked for The Flame so far has the same essence, or, it's in there somewhere.

I see it
I hear it
I feel it.

But it's not a bad thing, it's just like a different way of seeing the world. It doesn't distract me from what I'm doing, and I can tune into it if I want to, or tune it out if I'm doing something with the family.

But I've been using it intensely with work -- and people are starting to notice, and they aren't understanding.

And that really messed me up at first. I didn't like that feeling, I hated it. There was always a synonymy between me and other people.

I gained respect through understanding others, and through that they understood me.

And yet now, I feel, not many people are understanding me.

And again, I've had to walk into the Shadowland several times and get comfortable with what that means for me. It's been scary.

Sometimes I've just wanted to run and hide I'll admit. All through my life I've strived to be understood, liked by many.

Now? People are scratching their heads, wondering if they should follow or not.

And again, I didn't like that feeling.

But all dark nights of the soul lead to purification -- and through that struggle I've found a higher path.

I ask not now to be understood, but to be heard.

Only a few will hear me of course, and that's absolutely fine. I get that now, sometimes this journey isn't to be walked by everyone.

But those that do join me? Only reverence awaits.

The rest will follow in time.

And through understanding this, the knowing, the feeling, and the hearing -- I no longer need to be understood.

In fact, now I'm getting enjoyment from not being a well read book!

And that truly is a change for me.