When my cousin died about two years ago, it just felt like the world would just collapse under me, like, everything suddenly just became too loud and too quiet at the same time, I remember sitting down on my chair that day, just staring at the wall and thinking, omo ...Is this really how life is!. One minute you are here, the next one you are gone, It shook me deeply , like really deeply, I could not even cry at first , I mean I just froze.
See, that moment sparked something heavy inside me, I began to question everything, like, I wondered where is God in all of this, does he really hear prayers? ,Why didn't he step in? I mean, we prayed, we fasted, people begged, yet it still happened, I felt like the flame of faith I had inside me dimmed so much,see It did not go off completely, but it was not burning bright as It should ,It was like one tiny candle struggling not to be blown out by the wind.
And you know what hurts the most? My cousin was full of life, I mean that type of person that would enter a room and suddenly everyone is laughing or smiling. She had dreams, plans like so many of them,and then, just like that, she's gone.
Since then, my view of life changed, i started seeing things differently, I don't want just exist anymore , I questioned my own existence, what is this thing called life, really? Is it just about waking up, working, laughing, and then one day, just not waking up again? It felt empty for a while, Like there was no meaning, but somehow, I kept going.
There is this flame inside every one of us , I believe that now more than ever, sometimes it burns bright, full of hope and energy and other times, it flickers, barely surviving and during that period, my flame was weak, it was burning low, like a lantern that needed more oil,but you know what? Even with all the questions and doubts, it did not go out completely, somehow, it stayed on.
Grief is wild, It is not just tears, it is that quiet moment when you are laughing with someone and suddenly remember the person that is no longer here. It is that song you hear randomly that brings back memories like a flood, it is like being in a room full of people and still feeling a little cold inside.
But over time, I realised that the fire inside me , that light did not have to stay dim, I started finding warmth again in every small things, like in friends who checked up on me, in family members who shared old stories, in moments when I would randomly laugh at something silly and not feel guilty about it.
You know even the act of writing this now is part of the healing somehow, It is like I am fanning that flame again, because life might be hard, unpredictable, and sometimes deeply unfair, but it is still worth living, My cousin’s life though was short, left a mark, her flame may have gone out in this world, but the heat of her memory still warms my heart.
See I still do not have all the answers, Maybe I never will, but I have come to accept that maybe faith is not about having all the answers. Maybe it is just about keeping the fire burning, no matter how small the spark is.
So now, I try to live each day with a little more purpose, I still ask questions, yes, i still get overwhelmed sometimes, but the difference now is , I did not let the flame go out, I carry it,in memory, in love, in growth.
And maybe… that is what life is about, I mean keeping the fire alive, even when it rains.
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