It was the last year in high school. The marked papers for our exams had just been released. I had performed very well in most of the subjects, especially in English language and Literature-in-English. When I met our English Language teacher that afternoon walking the varanda, he called out to me in a vibrant happy voice:
“You did really well. The essay you wrote was classic. It was easily the best essay of all the students in your class.”
I will remember this particular time of my life for a long time. My academic grades were stable and so was other aspects of my life. Then tragedy struck.
I was soon afflicted with a serious psychological condition. For certain reasons I don't usually describe what happened in detail. The condition caused me deep depression and messed with my creative faculties.
This incident transpired about 15 years ago. During that time I went to the hospital to be diagnosed and after the diagnosis the doctors prescribed some drugs. This medical condition was a terrible thorn in my side. It disrupted all the plans I had about my life. I had envisioned myself going to university immediately after finishing highschool. I had also envisioned myself acquiring my second and third degrees and maybe becoming a professor in a decade or two. But the said medical condition delayed my entering the university by 8 years. All my brilliant dreams were terribly shattered.
Even when I landed a university admission after years of waiting, the condition still interfered seriously with my studies. The drugs the doctors prescribed at the hospital produced two serious side effects, one: hypersomnia and overeating. I would struggle to get out of bed on lecture days. And while in class I would struggle with concentration. But at last I earned my degree in English Language Education quite recently. It felt like I had to fight a World war just to achieve that. The very day I got my degree I felt as if a mountain had been hauled off ny shoulders.
"I dont think I can handle the pressure that comes with reading law." I voiced out to my parents one time.
This was the time before I entered the university.
"You can do it there's nothing in it." They tried hard to motivate me.
I developed Social Anxiety Disorder because of the medical condition and given that law was a course that came with high social pressure I always dreaded it. Still my parents, especially my dad piled a lot of pressure on me to study law.
"I want someone from the family who can step in my shoes after I'm gone. And none can do it better than you." My dad, who is a lawyer, always said.
Much of the pressure reduced after my younger brother gained an admission to read law in the university. I always knew there was no way I'd cope with the demands of the law course because of the said medical condition.
To this day this condition is still a severe thorn in my side. Most of my dreams are paused because of this condition. Please forgive, I loathe to give more details of this for some personal reasons.
Because of the drugs I usually eat more than once at night. First I would eat supper, then take the drugs. After that I would need to eat again if not the drugs would make me very uncomfortable. This is way I've been living the past 15 years. And it doesn't seem like this situation is bidding me goodbye yet. But I will survive, I always do.
I have lots of big dreams, like improving my character and personality, traveling the world and helping people, producing ideas that would better society. But surely not now. Someday maybe. Sometimes when the burden of this condition feels too much to bear, suicidal thoughts flood my mind. I do my best to dismisss the thoughts, because I know I have a lot to give for the betterment of the society so I cannot afford to die now. The ship of my life must continue to sail no matter how rough the journey becomes. The title of one of the James Bond installments puts it better: This is no time to die.
Plus I'm often overwhelmed by a desire to live. There are a lot of exciting ideas in my mind I would love to make realities and there are people I would love to cultivate loving and fufilling relationships with. So I had to keep managing this unbearable thorn in my side. The dark clouds eventually clear no matter how long they stay on the horizon.
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Thanks For Reading.