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"Are you fucking kidding me?", the Narrator said to me "Even this you fail at!"
I said nothing in return, I just continued lying on the ground, staring at the roof of the house from which I jumped. How didn't I die? I planned it perfectly.
"Maybe next time jump off something higher than your three stories house", the Narrator interjected "And not use your fucking left arm to break your fall"
I suddenly felt a rush of pain coming from my heavy bleeding, broken left arm. It's okay, I thought I would just lay there, the backyard where no one can see me, and wait as I bleed to death. I slowly started fainting while listening to the sound of a knock on the door. I hoped whoever it is out there wouldn't come to me in time.
To my disappointment, I woke up the next day in a hospital bed.
"Great! Another failure", the Narrator said, "Now it's only a matter of time before..."
His voice quickly stopped before my Wife Noor walked into the room.
"Kamal, what happened?", Noor asked in a panic.
"Nothing, I just fell off the roof", I answered.
"Fell off?", Noor looked suspicious of me "What were you doing on the roof in the first place?"
"I was just fixing something", I explained.
"Fixing what?", she responded quickly "You fell off the roof into the backyard, there's nothing to fix on that side?"
"Noor!", I said with a strict tone "Let's talk about this later".
I could see that Noor had more to say but stopped because my mother walked into the room.
"Kamal, are you alright?", she asked "I was really scared when Noor called me"
"I am okay, mom", I replied "I just fell off..."
"That's good", she interrupted me "I was at the beauty salon, you know, the one by Mansoor mall. The funniest thing happened..."
My mother's voice slowly faded away.
"Well, at least she asked", the Narrator said sarcastically "Do you think she would have been more interested had you been, I don't know, a better person?"
"Hey, mom", I said "Sorry to interrupt your interesting story, but have you heard from dad lately?"
"Your dad?", she looked baffled that I asked "I haven't spoken to him in years"
"You're so pathetic", the Narrator said "Does little Kamal still want his parents back together. That's so cute"
"Alright, I am done", I spoke loudly "I am going home"
"Going home?", Noor interjected.
"Yes, I have work tomorrow", I said.
"You have a broken arm", Noor tried to explain "You need to rest"
"I am not tired", I said while putting together my things and looking for my clothes.
"Fine", Noor submitted to my wishes "At least let me drive you home"
We quickly left the hospital. I turned on my phone and started going through my social media news feed as Noor drove. I saw all kinds of articles about how Tom Hanks is the perfect dad, Dwayne Johnson being a great family man, running a production company while maintaining his acting job, all the hacks and tricks to how successful people manage to do everything.
"Are you ready to talk about what happened?", Noor said with a concerned tone.
"Oh, now you want to talk?", I was aggravated "You spent the last two weeks away from home, barely responding to me, and now you want to talk"
"Kamal, it was unbearable at home", Noor explained "We couldn't even enjoy our vacation because of your temper"
"My temper isn't the issue", I replied "I had so much overtime at work just so we could have a great vacation. You, me, our son."
"I understand that", she said "But you stacked it with all different things you read in articles, we had no time to rest"
"Yeah, my bad for wanting us to optimize our vacation time", I said sarcastically.
"Optimize?", Noor looked baffled "You are talking about vacation. I just needed to relax. When..."
"Another person seeing right through your façade", the Narrator's voice-over drowned Noor's voice "Do you think Tom Hanks' wife thinks her husband is as weak as Noor thinks you are"
"Are you going to visit your brother any time soon?", Noor got my attention again "I think he could use a visit from you"
"Yes", I replied unenthusiastically "I guess I will go now"
"Alright", she said "I will go to his house now"
"He is not there", I explained "His wife kicked him out after she found out his using again. He is at our old home"
"I see, heading there now", she said "It's kind of odd that you guys bought that house"
"We bought it because we thought", I tried to explain "Never mind"
We arrived at the house, our old house. The beautiful house, in the perfect neighborhood where I lived my shitty childhood. I walked into the house, the loud sounds of my parents fighting were paraphrased by the Narrator.
"If it wasn't for these fucking disappointing kids I would have left your dumb ass a long time ago", the Narrator imitated my mother as I was walking upstairs toward my and my brother's old room.
"What the fuck are these grades? Should I call your cousin and tell him how much dumber of him you are? I am going out", the Narrator imitated my dad as I opened the door to see my brother curled in a ball of his own sweat in the corner of our old room.
"Hey, Tahseen", I said calmly "How are you doing?"
"Hey, Kamal", he replied with a broken smile dressing up his exhausted face "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, yes I am", I replied, there wasn't a point of me bringing up what happened the night before "What about you?"
"Never mind me", he said with as much enthusiasm as his body could allow "Did your boss give you the promotion?"
"No", I regretted uttering that word knowing that it would hurt him more "He went with Hussam instead"
"Well", he tried to make me feel better "He is his son after all"
"Doesn't matter", I rejected his reasoning "If I was good enough, I'd have gotten the promotion anyway? What about you? How did you even relapse?"
"It got too much", he explained "I tried to maintain my job, keep my family happy, but I just couldn't. It got too much. I failed, just like we failed our parents and made them divorce"
"Tahseen", I tried to stop him from continuing.
"We did fail, didn't we?", he said angrily "We failed to keep our grades up. We failed at being good kids. We even bought the fucking house so they'd get back together. We failed at that as well. I might as well just end it"
"Don't say that", I pleaded "Your little brother is here for you. I will be like Ben Affleck and..."
I stopped talking as he dozed off into sleep. I put a pillow under his head and covered him.
"I will make this right. I will fix everything", I said determinedly before leaving.
I didn't realize it until I needed to take a taxi home, but I had dropped in Noor's car so I had to walk home.
"Hey, Mr. Affleck. Might I have your autograph", the Narrator mocked me "Also, Uhm, excuse me. You just left your brother Casey suffering from withdrawal in his old room"
"I mean, come on", he continued "The Rock reached a net worth of four hundred million dollars after having only seven bucks to his name. Oprah didn't have running water or electricity growing up."
"Be realistic", he wouldn't stop "You're more like Eminem's younger brother, just a loser left behind"
The berating continued all the way home. At home, I went to the living room with my big whiteboard in the middle where I have been working on a project. The same project I was going to suggest to my boss had I gotten promoted. I started writing on it.
"What are you even doing?", the Narrator asked.
"There are no programming companies in Iraq, if we..", I was explaining before the Narrator interrupted me.
"Oh, and Kamal Gates is about to make it work", the Narrator said sarcastically "Should we put this board up in front of Shark Tank"
The Narrator kept going relentlessly for hours as I worked on my whiteboard while searching names on the internet.
"You're a failure, Kamal", the Narrator was back at it "You showed up to your son's football match drunk"
"I was at the boss' house party before", I tried to justify "We had alcohol, I couldn't waste on anything that would help me get the promotion"
"You screamed at your wife", he continued.
"I was just trying to explain that I was doing everything for them", I explained.
"By screaming at them every time something wrong happens?", he questioned.
"Just trying to keep everything from falling apart", I justified.
"And now you are a failure who spent ten years to only miss on the promotion alluded him the most, he just wouldn't stop.
"It doesn't fucking matter now", I started yelling "What matters now, is that I will make this work and everything will be fixed. My brother will go into a good rehab place, we'll find a better house, a better school for my son, then you can just fuck right off!"
"Kamal?", I didn't see Noor walking into the living room and I stood in shock seeing her standing "Who are you talking to you"
"Not now, Noor", I quickly contained myself "I am so close, I just need to figure this out"
"Close?", Noor looked baffled "Close to what?"
"To fix, I,", I stumbled upon my words.
"What?", Noor questioned me further "To bringing your parents back together?"
"I think it is obvious that this ship has sailed", I stated.
"You're right, it is", she leaned closer "But you are still trying, aren't you?"
"Not just that, I", I was quavering "Just be a great person, employee, father, husband, brother"
I sat on the floor in silence.
"I want you to answer truthfully", Noor said as she sat down with me "What do you think would happen if you stopped trying to make everything perfect?"
"I don't know", I just didn't want to say it.
"You do know", Noor added "We both know. Just say it"
"If you know, then why don't you say it?", I became defensive.
"Because I want you to say it", Noor explained "I want you to hear yourself say it. All these voices you grew up with and credited to other entities, your toxic motivation. Now, what would happen if you stopped trying to make everything perfect?"
"Well, obviously", the Narrator said before I spoke in unison with him "My world will fall apart"
"Yeah", Noor said, "Because if you don't manage to optimize my enjoyment of a vacation, if you don't force yourself to show up everywhere at once, taking care of your older brother, trying to get your parents back together, and getting your dream job, your world will fall apart, is that what you think?"
Noor took a deep breath before she continued "It doesn't surprise me that you tried to kill yourself last night. You've been doing that since you were a child."
"What exactly is wrong with trying to making your life perfect?", I asked "What is wrong with trying to be a great father, husband, son, brother, and employee?"
"There's nothing with trying to improve your life", Noor explained "But trying to make everything perfect while comparing yourselves to articles and celebrities will leave you either dead or stuck in your old room sweating with needle marks all over your arms"
"Maybe it's okay to miss a football game or two", Noor remarked "Maybe it's okay to miss few days at work, maybe it's okay to do very few things during a vacation, you know?"
We talked for few more hours before she left, and I stayed behind. For the first time in my life, I could hear it as I stood upon the same spot on the roof from which I jumped the night before, silence. And I could see the Narrator falling down, falling with him was the posters of all those celebrities and stars, the words of disapproval and disappointment from my parents, falling to their death.
After that, I missed days at work, let others take care of themselves sometimes, didn't attend to some of my son's football matches, spent some vacation days doing nothing. It wasn't a perfect life, not inspirational enough for magazines, but not bad, not bad at all.