The idea of mingling with people can make me have palpitations without the dose of caffeine in my system. It lets me feel the butterflies in my belly every time I try to speak out my thoughts. I get anxious around people and can't stay longer in large parties. It is always draining to interact with them, especially the long talks that I need to do.
Yes, I'm an introverted person, no doubt about that.
Back then when I was in highschool, oral recitation, presentations, roleplays, and research defense were my weaknesses. I struggle to express my mind in class, especially during recitations. The teacher would call the student's names alphabetically and even though my name was still far from being called, I couldn't calm my nerves from shaking. Uttering a few words, my mind just got blocked sometimes until I couldn't find any words to continue. I have been embarrassed in the whole class due to the same reasons. Then, I have reached the point wherein I would ditch all the recitations, presentations, and any other forms of public speaking if I knew about it ahead.
I have lots of ideas in my mind actually but I usually just write them all down instead. Because of that, I have missed a lot of opportunities. Like at the time where I had my first interview in a BPO company when I applied for Customer Service Representative, as it was the only job that is in demand in the place until now. Right after I got off the jeepney in front of the building, I immediately felt so weak in the knees and my whole body was trembling. What to expect next? Obviously, I didn't get the job because I couldn't express my mind well.
I went home empty-handed with some thoughts in my mind. There are a lot of things that I wanted to do like public service and teaching, but I can't do it because I was too afraid to try and try again if I fail at first. I even gave up my dream of becoming an English Teacher, and pursuing Literature courses, all because of that. Even exploring my other options to do in life like getting in the military and the goals of becoming a Paramedic someday, just the thought of an inevitable encounter with a lot of people can discourage me enough to try.
I have crossed out a lot of things in my list before even trying it. Then, blogging came but this is freelance and I know it can't sustain all my needs, especially that I'm not just earning for myself but also for my daughter. This isn't forever, I know, and for sure I also knew that I can't lock myself inside the virtual world forever. How can I raise and guide my daughter well from the real world if I'm always trying to escape from it? Too afraid to try, too afraid to fail, and playing safe too much.
When I hit the rock bottom of my life, I know giving up will never be my option. Instead of drowning myself in anxieties and all of my sorrows, I recall those words that I always see on the internet.
"Step out of your comfort zone," it said.
This is a famous line that surely everybody knows. However, it is easier said than done indeed. The struggle was there and I already expected them along the way. All I need is a little push from my determination to take that one step which will eventually lead me to a roller coaster of unknown adventures yet exciting ones and life changing.
That certain step started when I first stepped in college. It was a bit intimidating at first since school was my worst nightmare back then. Change begins on ourselves indeed. I began to accept my flaws and open myself up for failures and learnings, exploring things that I was too scared to try. With my low and shaky voice, I did my best to present my task in front of a large party. At first, I felt anxious but once I started and saw the silent yet supportive cheers of my classmates in their eyes while they were attentively listening to me, it gave me more courage to do my best and finish what has been started.
Who would even know that it would be the start of my amazing journey within and out of school? No one, and not even me if I didn't take that step out of my comfort zone. That thing where I was so scared of back then, I happen to face them all now. Though I can't teach English anymore, anytime soon when I graduate, I will still be teaching First Aid and Emergency Responder lessons to other people who have the same heart as me towards public service. And yes, now I'm in the military as a Reserve officer, doing my best to help and protect the country.
Other than that, I still don't know what the future holds for me but as of now, I have come far from where I have started ever since I made that step. Butterflies still flips their wings in my belly every time there is an event which is new to me, but they don't stay anymore. They flew away with my worries and my nervousness. Those words will be forever be engraved in my life as it has been my key for all of this all along.