Journal of a Confused Woman
A sad morning,
I woke up to yet another day of pain, loneliness, and distress. What use is having a companion if all I feel is lonely. I took my phone to look over our text messages from yesterday. I wanted to get into his head and read his mind, but that's impossible with Lawrence. He'd barred his heart, I can't get around his thoughts.
Looking through his texts, I saw it lacked the sentiments I wished he'd expressed to me. Yesterday when I heard him laugh it was joyful but now I think he'd laughed for some other reason that's not me. Again, there goes the roller coaster of doubts, I am not sure he loves me.
A Confused Afternoon
Hours into the day, he still hasn't called. I hate guessing what he might be doing. Don't lovers usually dedicate their time to their partner? Here I am sitting at desk, writing a journal that nobody's going to read and cure my pain. I went about lazily trying to give meaning to my day but thoughts of him slowed down everything I tried doing. I couldn't be serious about anything. So I went back to bed to just dream, to be lost in our sweet memories, to pleasure in our good old days before Elizabeth obscured my sight.
Had she never showed up in our lives he would never have cheated and I wouldn't be in doubts of whatever he may be doing without me. I hate her.
A Cool Evening
I had paced the circumstance of my house like a bored housewife which I wasn't. It was so boring to not go to work but no one had forced me to take a leave. I thought I needed a break but now I know better. I was sitting by the table munching brownies when he called "can I come pick you by seven?" He'd asked. Maybe we're still good after all "oh! sure seven it is" I replied him.
It took just that split second of seeing the caller's name to change the entire atmosphere. I looked in my wardrobe for a dress and did all there is to look as pretty as necessary.
He did come by seven and was all gentleman, opening up the door for me, taking me to a fancy restaurant, nice dishes, great wine, but none of that mattered. It was entirely about the way he looked at me. His eyes were reassuring, he's in love with me, no doubts.
We talked about us, we had a great dance, it was a great night. Then he drove me back home, said a hasty goodnight, and away he left with me literally still standing on the porch watching him drive away. He hadn't kissed me!
A Sad Night
I woke up feeling lonely, Lawrence showed up by evening and was a good company, but it's night now and there's the roller coaster of doubts again, tormenting me like a dark cloud. If only he'd kissed me like lovers ought to, maybe I'd be certain he loves me. But he hadn't and that spoilt the entire awesome evening we had together.
Certainly I don't need to ask him anything when my head details it clearly that he only takes me for company when he's bored and should I beef him for this, he'd just go "really, I don't get why you'd snub me for that" like I'm so difficult to understand.
Why can't he just know when he did me wrong? The last thing i want to hear him say of me is that I'm being insecure again when he's the one not being intentional about us.
I'm tired of the fluctuations one minute I'm certain he's in love with me, the next minute the roller coaster twirls, maybe not.
A Sweet Bliss For the Night
I heard my phone beep while I was writing and guess what? He'd sent me a goodnight message. Maybe he loves me after all. Poor me, I wonder if the roller coaster bothers him too. I long for a time when it would be crystal clear that he loves me. Till then I might just have to savour the bliss of this message and hope the roller coaster dies tonight and tomorrow dawns with clarity. Goodnight journal, wish me the best