Willy Zhong
It was my best friend's wedding and everyone was pumped up about it. The gang- five of us who actually were going to be her maids of honour rushed in and out of Danshi market nearly everyday to buy clothes, Flowers, food items and plenty of things I lost count of. According to my friend, Omolewa whom we called Lewa, it was going to be the hottest Naija wedding that would be ever recorded on the earth.
I wouldn't want to call Lewa an over ambitious spinster but it was who she was. A year ago, she had written her type of dream husband on a pink cardboard and pasted it on the wall of our room. We would laugh at her when we should chip in "carry me to my husband's house" in our morning prayers then. Her prayers of course were a rich, tall handsome man and lots more.
Finally her prayers seem to be granted as she meets Kelly. They had both met on Facebook and weirdly and unexplainably fallen in love with each other. Lewa would laugh out loud till her cheeks reddened and her eyes clouded with tears at the sight of his text message and busied herself on her phone. It was only Kelly Tuoye, Kelly Tuoye that rang each day and night in our ears.
"I must love !!!." We would shout when the delivery man sent packages of different gift items like clothes, jewelries, shoes and the rest. Sometimes I noticed Lewa's head swell as she spoke in pride about her fiance.
"Hundred yards of husband material. My Kelly has done it again !!!." Kelly also sent us small wads of naira notes and small gift items to "manage" Whoever Kelly Tuoye was, was the best and perfect husband for Lewa and also a perfect in-law.
While we were busy enjoying his money and gifts, we never for once pondered on the fact that we had never set eyes on Kelly and had any idea who he was and how he got the money. Lewa, our friend would tell us not to worry that his parents were very rich people and he worked in an oil company. She showed us his pictures on his Facebook displayed picture (DP) and sometimes had voice calls with him so we could hear his sweet rich voice. My dear friend was deeply in love with him… and yes, his money.
Soon we became bothered about her not having met him before or at least have a date. It was normal in every relationship and it was obvious Lewa was worried too. Then she started to disturb Kelly about seeing him. Sometimes he would promise to come and never show up. A funny event happened when Lewa spent the whole night at Eko Hotel and Suites without him showing up at all. Kelly would send more gifts and apologize on their lengthy phone calls and complain about his busy schedules and how he had to travel from "Nigeria to Morocco" "Morocco to Dubai" and many other countries we found hard to pronounce their names.
To add salt to the whole issue, Mrs Awero, Lewa's mother, had started to disturb Lewa's bachelorette life. It was taking too long and she needed her grandchildren as an African woman. Most of the time, I and the gang would calm Lewa down but deep down in our hearts we wondered if Kelly would be the last suitor. We hated talking about Lewa's past with men. Many of them had run away when she "billed" them too much. Lewa, according to her name, was too beautiful and expensive for any man except Kelly.
It wasn't long before Kelly Tuoye our friend's "maga" and "husband material" had burst our bubble. He had sent a package and in it contained a 12 karat gold and a letter of his proposal. As a normal Nigerian girl, we didn't imagine this kind or sort of proposal but at the sight of the bill of dollars beneath the package, we screamed and she immediately called him to affirm his proposal.
> "Yes! I'll marry you!"
She screamed on the phone and we married with her. Our beautiful Omolewa was going to get married finally.
Kelly surprisingly showed up a week later and he happened to be more handsome than his Facebook DP. He was the definition of a true handsome man and we were very happy for our friend's luck. He took us on different trips and also shopping. He also visited Lewa's parents and preparations began for her wedding.
On the 19th of June, Lewa's wedding day, was the same day the cloud had decided to unleash its anger by opening its floodgates. Many people were already drenched before they reached the venue. At a moment, I nearly burst into a row of uncontrollable laughter when my eyes met their shoes covered in mud. Nobody needed to tell me the wedding would go wrong… No it wouldn't because of Kelly.
"Where is Kelly for God's sake?" Lewa sore after two hours and he was nowhere to be found. Another of our friend Chiwe had helped her fan her face to prevent the ruin gradually revealing on her face.
"Calm down? He will be here soon." I stared at my wristwatch and shook my head. The guest were also impatient. As everyone mumbled at the fourth hour without his arrival, people started to leave. Lewa broke into tears and we pacified her.
Like God finally intervening, we sighted a black limousine and two hefty men who came down. The groom, Kelly, had finally arrived. The two men helped a poor looking man to his feet as they dragged him into the church.
"The groom has arrived." One of them said and I could feel Lewa's confusion at the sight of a slime at the side of his lips. He was irritably disgusting to her.
"Who is this imbecile?"
"I'm your husband." He replied like a moron wiping the thick slime with the sleeve of his black suit.
"Where is Kelly?"
Everyone was silent as we all watched the whole drama. From the back, I could hear her chuckles. A big embarrassment. Omolewa getting married to a dunce.
"Kelly? He is my gateman He is the one who helped me find you, my wife." He stammered as another row of spit came out from his mouth. I felt an urge to vomit when a greenish coloured mucus came out from his nose and slid into his mouth. Another row of mumbles rented the room and a loud thud followed.
Omolewa had fainted.