Does it have to feel so lonely?
Does it have to be too much to bear?
Can sleeping be for the good of it and not an escape room?
Do I have to take a drag to be highly sane?
Can't I just be at peace with me?
…….
Chioma was my muse, my starlight, I looked in her eyes and found peace, she was my resting place. I am always hanging on the edge but not when she has me cuddled up beside her.
How couldn't I just be so in love with serenity and happiness? They were positive and pure, weren't they? But I don't think I'd totally put the blame on me, when all you are used to is violence, toxicity, negativity, suppression, though depressing, they are all you have and you think it's all you'll ever get.
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She was the best girlfriend I ever had, the longest too… the others always left. I thought they were just unreasonable, I am a spec definitely. They lost a king like me. It was a sunny day, her smile pierced through my heart like a sharp sword and ohhh, she smelt like daisies too. She had to be the one.
I went up to her, I made a move,we became friends and things led to things we were together. Six months into the relationship, I knew that I was the fault. She deserved the world. I was only a monster, why would anyone lay their hands on a woman? This time she told me that she probably was wrong thinking I would change.
In her words, "Chinedu! You beat me, you don't like me keeping friends even girls, you are fucking insecure, you disgrace me in public, you don't give a damn about me, you are not a gentleman. I am not asking you to hold the door as I step out of the car or buckle my sandals or buy me flowers, it would probably take a while to get there but you are not even human enough to care for the bruises you caused, not even an apology from you. In the end you are the man right? Well rot alone, I am done with this Chinedu" with pain in her voice, she said: "you are too toxic for me, I wish my love could erase your pain but sadly it can't."
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Her words kept ringing in my head and I tried suppressing it thinking she was just like the rest, wrong.
I couldn't, could I?
She was so damn right, I locked myself away and I thought about my life and I remembered as a boy, I would get away with anything, I was told I was the man, I made the decisions, I didn't have to show weakness. Kindness and love isn't weakness, I wasn't told.
I would sit and be served by my mother and sisters,I never said thank you, it was my right, wasn't it? I heard my mother's stifled screams from across the room and saw her with bruises the next day but she still served him like a king, he is the man, isn't he? I could get away with offenses just because I was a boy, I had to stake my hold, I couldn't shed a tear, I was strong enough to hold it all in wasn't I? Sister Ada and Amanda were being raised to be proper ladies and I was being raised to be a monstrous king that felt no pain.
Hmmmm …
At least, now probably speaking out would have helped but men don't do so, we've got it all covered, right?
The loss of chioma got me thinking and I realized I should have been better, I sent her texts, they didn't go through, she probably blocked me, I don't blame her. The pain stung like hell, it was sharp, I was heavy but I couldn't ask for help. I had fought the big ego but I just didn't know how to talk about it. I was consumed by pain everyday, I was dying, it was love that kept me going. I wanted to be better and go back to her but on second thought, could I really change? Is it possible to get better? I wanted my queen to be truly happy and the fear of not being able to do that for her outweighed my determination to change. I closed my eyes to sleep and usually that was my escape room but I guess an everlasting solution would do the job better.
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Mrs Eze cried as she read her sons suicide note and watched the paramedics carry his dead body out of his hostel room. She blamed herself, she could have taught him right, to be a true king; superior with a loving heart, who would shield the ones he loves not inflict pain on them. A king who should apologize when at fault. One who could seek help when the going got rough. A king that treats his lady like a queen and not an object of pleasure or an acquired possession. And maybe I should have let him cry the times he fell and not tell him he is a man and shouldn't show pain.
It was already too late, wasn't it?