I cried when I saw my father for the first time acting like a clown. I had no idea that's how a clown handles their job. Letting people mock them because what's important is to make them happy. I was not aware but because no one could watch me over while my father was performing a job.
I love my father very much because he's the only one I have in this world. I didn't want him to laugh at and to be mocked. Father saw me crying and he took a pause. He came to me and explained the details. He just smiled at me and said he would buy me a burger after. I replaced the tears with a smiling face because the burger was my favorite and it's not all the time I can have one to eat.
"Jericho, is your father gay?"
I was in high school when my father was called by the principal. I punched my classmate Ryan when he called me father gay. He bad-mouthed my father because he's been seeing him in a comedy bar together with gays. I couldn't blame him but I couldn't accept bullying because my father didn't have a decent job. He couldn't have a proper job because of his educational background. Even so, he raised me no matter what people discriminate against him.
I couldn't bear the shame anymore. The papa's boy who loved his father so much was gone. I took my distance to my father and he knew from the way I treated him. He showed me a smile but his eyes were sad staring at me. I didn't know how I turned like that but I chose to ignore what my father felt.
One night, I arrived home drunk. We're celebrating with my classmates because we graduated from college. When I entered the house I saw my father sitting in front of the table with food on it. He didn't say a word and kept his eyes straight. He refused to look at me, maybe because his tears were falling.
"How was your night with friends?"
Shaking words full of sadness. I could tell how he felt being left alone and wanted to celebrate my accomplishment.
I didn't know how to answer his question. It pierced my heart to see my father like that.
"It wa--," he interrupted me and said it by himself.
"I know it was fun. It's friends night after all."
I had no idea what to say to my father anymore. The happy memories we had back then kept on flashing in my thoughts. How loving, sweet, and kind father to me when I was young. I just forgot it when time passed by because I took my distance from him.
"I know you're not proud of me. I know you're ashamed of me. I know you're tired of hearing bad humor about me. I know I'm not the ideal father you wish you could have."
I prevented myself from talking or else I couldn't control the tears anymore. I prevented myself but I decided to let it go when I heard my father crying so hard. He started sobbing and belittled himself.
"Who am I anyway? I'm just a poor father who will do any job as long as I can earn."
I looked to the other side and kept on crying. My father continued talking as if he's releasing it all he kept inside.
"It's not that I didn't hear how people talked behind my back. It's not that my heart didn't feel anything seeing people discriminate against me through their looks. I'm not numb but I acted one. If I let myself drown in their words did you think we could have this food on the table? Did you think I could send you to school?"
I could feel how painful my father felt. I was stupid to think he didn't feel anything about it and ignored my feelings.
"It's painful Jericho especially when I noticed you became embarrassed of having me as your father. During the times when it was not me who put that medal in your graduation. It's painful but I endured it all. I love you so much and I didn't want your classmates to mock you because of me. I endured it all even though it hurts seeing my sweet child slowly forgetting me."
I couldn't control my emotions anymore. I immediately hugged my father on his back. He was still sitting on the chair. I cried so much as I leaned on his shoulder.
"I'm so sorry, father. I should have known how painful it was to you. I love you too and I hate to see people talk bad about you. You are the best father of all and I don't want you to feel so much pain because of me. I'm so sorry for being a stubborn son."
My father touched my hand and started smiling while wiping his tears.
"It's fine, son. I'm glad that you voiced out what you're thinking."
I'm happy to see my father smiling again like how he was before.
"Oh, let's eat the food, son. Let's eat this together."
Somehow, my heart was telling me that we can go back to the old times. I could see my father straight into his eyes with no guilt and shame. That should be the feeling I have because without my father I would be nothing.
END...
mrnightmare