Today was destined to be unproductive. I woke up beckoning calls of worries and anxiety luring me deep into the abyss of my mind. Further and deeper it beckons, with its tick tentacles into my soul. “Will I ever know peace,” I cried. It has been days since I could sleep. Every attempt into dreamland was welcomed with night terrors. I need not worry about worry but here I am, going through the motion.
Whilst I try escaping the confinement of my mind, I was interrupted by the mesmerising words of Distraction. It took me through a couple of my favourites apps, and of course, I fucked you like everyone on TikTok today. I did not need to remember my woes. “I am only human,” I said with a little ting of guilt floating in my voice.
On days like this when I can not muster the courage to leave the warmth of bed and venture into a world of perversion and duty, I try to be as useless as possible. It is a luxury–being useless. In a world where everyone wants a piece of you, it is liberating knowing you cannot give anything. It is rebellion against the status quo; it is all that we need now.
In our pursuit of vanity, we work ourselves to the dirt without shame or remorse like pigs. We literally give ourselves and everything we hold dear the middle finger for fiat or an ideal of living purposefully. What’s purposefully about a life of duty? What’s with the insistent scrutiny? Are we soulless machines?! Rebel I say! Rebel! Throw a tantrum if you may, for today we do nothing and contrary to popular opinion, it is harder than it seems.
I have filled my sadness with humour. I will not drown in this sea of nothingness without gulping a glass of expense jokes. Isn’t it funny? A man like me going against his very own narrative about life. The gods indeed turn mad those they want to punish. Well if that be the case I go down this loony bin in sane, with the clarity of a drunken man. Do with me as you see fit.
For the first time in a long while, I am writing about nothing and it feels like me–free. This is the oldest version of the inconclusive project I call myself and it feels just right. I would not trade it for duty. And who best to share this lunacy with if not you–no one.
It brings me great sadness that tomorrow might be different. I can’t guarantee I won’t go back to my old ways of making sense of the world and finding my place in it. I dread the life I must live, but I do appreciate this detour and what lead me here--you--nothing.