“You still smell of him, go wash again.” I heard Lami say.
I paused, my hand still on the doorknob, and my eyes locked on her reflection in the mirror. She didn’t turn. Neither did she look at me from the mirror either. She just stood there brushing her hair. Her words were blunt yet sharp. She pretended to be ignorant of what her words did to me. Like she didn't just cut too deep in the heart with her words.
I wanted to deny it. To argue that she was wrong. But I sniffed myself and realized she wasn't lying. Tayo's cologne still clings to my skin like body paint that wouldn't wash off. I tried to speak but ended up saying nothing. What could I possibly say when Lami was right.
I grabbed my towel and walked past her to the bathroom, making sure I avoided her gaze. Then I turned on the tap. I felt a fool of myself. Like a dog licking her own vomit.
I turned the tap and let the water hit my skin, wishing it could wash away his scent for the last time. But as the cold water touched my skin, I still felt the warmth of his breath, his touch, his lips and the way he whispered my name like it was a prayer and a curse. I still felt them all against my skin. I scrubbed hard till my skin turned red. But somehow the guilt still stuck.
Lami was still standing by the mirror with her hair brush still in her hands when I stepped out of the bathroom in my towel.
“You said you were done.”
“I was,” I whispered.
She sighed and returned to the bed. She sat down gently, slotting her hair brush into an open bedside drawer. Then she got into the sheets and made sure to cover her legs well with the duvet. She turned to me.
"When are you going to realize that he's not good for you, Kemi? He breaks you, puts you back together, just to break you again. And you keep letting him.”
I didn’t reply. What could I say that didn’t sound like a lie? Lami has always been right about Tayo.
I let my mind drift back to the first time I met Tayo at the romance section of the school library. I had gone to return a copy of "Me Before You" by Jojo Moyes. He was standing not so far away from me, thumbing through "The Fault in Our Stars" by John Green.
I felt his eyes in me and somehow I wasn't disappointed at how handsome he looked when I returned his gaze. He smiled at me like he knew me for months.
“You love sad endings too?” he said.
If I had known, I would have just walked away. But instead, I smiled back and nodded.
From there, we escalated to coffee dates, late-night calls and long walks in the rain. He made me feel seen. Like I was the only girl on earth.
Until it happened and I wasn't anymore. I realized there were other girls. Other lies. And he didn't even care to hide it from me. He made it visibly clear to me that he didn't care what I felt.
I left him on several occasions. To find myself at least. But each time, he returned knowing fully well that with him, the doors to my heart didn’t have a proper lock. It was as if he had the spare key that could easily unlock that part of my heart that still held something for him.
Just like last night when he had showed up unannounced, knocking like the wind. Soft, restless, but familiar. Like he couldn't hurt a fly.
It was a rainy day and I had just returned from work, tired and smelling of sweat and bus fumes. Trust me, I had no plans of letting him in, not after two months of silence. But when I opened the door and saw him there, with his tired eyes and twisted smile, drenched in rain. I didn't know when I moved aside without thinking and let him in.
“I can't sleep,” he said, stepping in. "I just can't stop thinking about you." He added
There wasn't much talking. We just stood there in silence staring at each other. With him around me, I didn't need to talk much. It is always as if my brain goes off at the sight of him. I found myself searching for words to send him away but I couldn't. Finally, the silence won as he pulled closer in the dark and kissed me like he never left. I found myself wanting more, tugging on him tightly, pleading he never let go.
I let him make love to me that night while the rain sang soft melodies outside. And the thunder clapped to our rhythm.
My mind was brought back to reality when Lami asked.
“Do you still love him?”
I looked at her. It was a simple question yet difficult for me to answer.
“I don’t know,” I replied. My voice was lower than I had imagined. “Maybe I love the way he makes me feel when he’s around. Maybe I’m just addicted to the pain.”
Lami looked at me with worry In her eyes. “You’re not, Kemi. Neither are you a rehab centre. It’s never your job to fix him.”
“I know but..”
“You’ll still let him back in.”
I nodded. "That's the issue. It's like he has this hold on me I just can't get rid of."
She adjusted her pillow and laid down on the bed. Putting her back towards me and her face to the wall. “Don’t let him take you with him when he sinks.”
I looked at her, then to the blank wall. I adjusted my pillow and laid down staring blankly at the ceiling. Soon I was drifting off to sleep.
Weeks passed, I got no calls or texts from Tayo. Just silence from.
It hurt but I had gotten used to it. That pain I had become familiar with. I tried to heal by deleting our old photos. I even blocked his number on my phone. I began taking long walks without hoping to see him.
I even started talking to a new guy, Deji. He was everything Tayo wasn't. Everything I wished Tayo was.
Deji didn't flinch when I talked about my past. But yet, whenever we were alone and he leaned in, I would pull back without thinking twice. I blamed it on not being ready yet. But the truth was I had never really gotten over Tayo. And I didn't want to get too involved with Deji, then one day I'll hurt him for the sins of another man. Deji was too innocent to be treated like that.
One night, I had just gotten out of the bathroom after a long day at work when I heard a knock on the door. I walked to the door thinking it was Lami. But as I opened, on the other side of the door was Tayo. He had returned after months of no calls or text. He had his tired, twisted smile on him again.
I froze, my mind shut off again. I was drooling for a man that had put me through so much pain. And somehow I didint know I was.
"What are you doing here?" I finally found the words I was looking for.
"I need you." He replied. His voice was soft and warm like he had realized his mistake.
He walked in without waiting to be invited in and without thinking I found myself giving way for him.
"But you left. No calls, no text."
"I wish I could explain all I've been through these past few months. All I could think of was you"
He drew closer and held me by the waist. Then he pulled me in and gently placed a kiss on my lips. His touch was warm and gentle. He smelled like him. A scent I had this weakness for. I found myself unconsciously falling for his touch again. I shut my eyes and sniffed on his neck. I pulled him closer and craved for more of his touch. But before I could return his kiss, it felt like my mind turned on and I heard Lami’s voice echo in my head:
“You still smell of him, go wash again.”
I quickly pushed him away and drew back. It was as if a scale had fallen from my eyes. Like I was in control of my mind again. Him.
"Leave" I said. My voice was low but firm.
"Kemi, I...."
"I said, leave!" I yelled. This time there was rage in my eyes.
I guess he noticed as he turned and walked out the door. I slammed the door shut behind him, then I sank to the floor leaning against the door. Tears spilled before I could stop them. I sat there till I was done crying.
I stood up and walked into the bathroom, my heart felt lighter but still in pieces.
“I still smell like him,” I whispered to myself, “I’ll go wash again.”