I placed my fist on my jaw lost in a deep thought. Memories of my cowardice kept flooding in my head, nothing about me was masculine, I was too fragile and that made me a laughing stock. I looked back at my childhood programming and I realized the foundation that had made me this way. What can you say about a boy that was raised by a woman who was too kind?, no father figure to groom him to fit the masculinity that he needed. All I saw around me was that fragile vessel, gradually I became like it. I wanted to roar to fit in the male stereotype but my voice was lost to sympathy and empathy. I wished I could be tough but my feet couldn't carry me, my nerves were too weak and once again I refrained to my fragile self.
I tried to be that Man who takes the lead, I tried to be that tough man, I tried to be brave but it never lasted for an hour. I wonder if it was truly the foundation that was faulty, and if it was, was there a way to correct that which had been laid? I asked myself. I'm not the man I want to be, I'm too fragile and people ask why all that speaks around me is feminine. I bow my head in the same way as I return to my shell of cowardice. I felt being fragile was good until it took everything that I loved away from me. The world said only the violence takes it by force. Here I was with no violent spirit.
"I am tired of being a fragile Man, a cowardice" I said to myself. I was ready to give it my all to bury this foundation that has haunted me for years. I wanted to be that man who could protect, that man who had the violent spirit to fight for what he desired. I looked up to the sky, I was told that's where the almighty stays and said a little prayer.
"Dear Lord, change the fragile Man in me that had hindered me in the past and make me a brand new man".
I didn't know what to expect, but I trusted there was going to be a new me that was fragile yet brave.