Into The Void: Letting darkness lead you home

At some point/s in life, you may have come across your Shadow. You may have tried to run from it. You may have tried to get rid of it. Perhaps, you've learned to be friends with it. The darkness is daunting, but sometimes, it can lead you back to where you ought to be.

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I have been shying away from any sort of pen-and-paper doodling. The confidence that I could still draw something has waned and I haven't been sure if I really wanted to go through the hoops of frustration with the arts. I forgot how comforting it was to let yourself loose and create something out of nothing.

I wanted perfection but got scared of the mistakes that needed to be committed before reaching it.

And then Shadow came running faster than I could still run from it. The exhaustion from life has finally taken over me and Shadow started reminding me of things I have put on the back burner... And some that I've thrown into the darkest corners of my mind.

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Weeks ago, my anxiousness was cranked up to its maximum. I feared that I would mess up a beach outing by breaking down in front of friends. To make an unsatisfactory sketch or to make a scene, I had to pick one. Perhaps Shadow was the one who made me bring the notebook.

"Stop asking and just take it with you," It didn't care if the notebook might get wet. It didn't care if bringing paper to the beach was ridiculous.

My exhaustion and anxiety got the best of me no matter how excited I was for the beach. Nighttime came, dinner passed, game time was happening and I was not myself. Shadow said I should pay attention to the moonlit sea.

And so did I. I was not able to capture the eerie orange tint that the moon had during that night. It was beautiful. My hands seemed to move on their own. I was worried about the ink bleeding through the next page.

I can't remember when was the last time I attempted to cross-hatch. I wanted to capture the darkness of the night sky but I was concerned that the sea would become invisible.

When I stopped when I felt that it was enough and left some scribbles underneath.

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21:15 (?)

I cried while lying down on the shore.
Tears fell into the salty sea.
Emotions went along with them.
Crying's nice, but I still feel like
disappearing into the night.

I thought to myself, "Well that's some shitty ass writing." Shadow, on the contrary, said that it wasn't the time to be so critical.

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Perhaps being in the dark is to be in touch with your roots. Imagine being a potato...

As the night progressed, my mind wanted to keep up with the fun activities. My heart has yet to be still. In the midst of their tug-of-war, I wrote some more:

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Wanting to be something
Wanting to be nothing
To be one with the stars
To be one with mankind
To keep going, or,
To start letting go

Lately, decisions are getting heavier
Lately, I'm losing my sense of self
To be lost and wanting to be found
Yet to resist comfort from people that surround
How do you find yourself
Amongst the noise of it all?

I want to run away.
Away from it all.

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I'm actually frowning as I read through that piece and try to finish this post... There could be something I could tweak there...

But now that I think of it, drawing and writing without minding anything else feels liberating. Why have we stopped ourselves from putting out creations that seem unsatisfactory on a logical level? Why are we so critical of ourselves?

Why do we stop doing things that comfort our souls and keep us grounded?

If you feel lost in your own darkness, I hope it brings you comfort that it's not there to harm you. Shadow has led me back to what needs to be taken care of. Perhaps you're forgetting something too.

Thanks for stopping by.

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