You know those times in life where everything runs smoothly, falls into place, meshes?
Yeah, me either.
Well, I guess there are periods of alignment where there is semblance of positive continuity, yet at least for me, there is always the sense of the inevitable end to be faced. I am not a negative person by default, but in the last half of my life I think I have turned more toward the darker side of life and away from the, it'll all work out for the best mindset. Of course, things work out as they do, which means in a practical sense, it is for the best, but it is simultaneously for the worst, depending on whether taking the half full or empty perspective.
Choosing a side might make us feel better, but effectively changes nothing, since the glass is in both positions simultaneously, balanced on the precipice. A drop more either way, and the scale shifts toward a particular direction that upsets the status quo and if we aren't careful, we start to get accustomed to the new normal, forgetting that there is likely going to be some extent of regression to the mean, a return to the equilibrium.
I suspect that we all have different zero points, our normal that gives us the sense of what is positive and negative and I assume that this shifts with experience. Perhaps it is completely informed by experience, rather than being assigned at conception, but even if it is, the way we view our experience is going to be affected by things outside of our control.
At high school, I had a friend who was about as close to an angel you can imagine. While I do not believe in such things, this girl positively glowed to the point that she lit up the room and made anyone in her presence feel better about the world, no matter what state they had been in earlier. It was like she filled the air that we breathed with pure goodness. She had grace, yet was completely unaware of the affect she had on her world.
One evening, she invited me to meet some new friends of hers that she had connected with for a coffee. I sat down with a small group of people around my age, who were close-knit and friendly, but gave a weird vibe, as if they had an ulterior motive. I found out pretty soon that they were from a religious group, which explained it all. We sat for a couple hours chatting innocuously about things, but there was always a coordination between them.
The next day, I told my friend to be wary.
I didn't see her much after that, except in passing at school and then less and less until I hadn't seen her for a month or two. The next time I saw her, it was like a shadow had passed across her and she couldn't shake free. she was stooped, looking downward, arms crossed and there was a darkness in her that felt physically oppressive. She had become the antithesis of the person she had appeared as earlier. She seemed weighed down, heavy.
Which was the real her?
Both. She was the same glass she had always been, with the fullness and the emptiness both residing within her, yet the balance had shifted. Drops of experience had entered into her life and upset her status quo and her previous normal had been replaced by something altogether different. Where once she had an empowering and calming effect, those in her presence became unsettled ad uncomfortable, visibly looking for a way to extricate themselves from the conditions they felt.
This is the mesh of life as we experience it. Sometimes we are able to thread the needle and avoid being caught, sometimes we become entangled and the more we struggle, the tighter the grip, the greater the drip into the cup of who we are and, the more we are affected.
I tried talking to her several times, but I couldn't find a way in to release her from whatever had her bound, and I never found out what had caused the pivot in her journey, but I can imagine what it was and it saddens me no end. I hope that she was able to find the help she needed shake free the mantle that consumed her, but I will likely never know.
However, I take the position that like her, we are all fluid and can change on the experiences we face, depending on how we approach them. In some cases, the worst conditions bring out the best in us, sometimes the best conditions, the worst of us appears - but we are all the glass and the level of water depends on the perspective we take, not the experiences we have.
At least, I want to believe that we can all change, that we can all realign ourselves so that the mesh of life is able to catch what empowers us, rather than catches us to enslave us, physically, or mentally.
I meet many people in my life, but I have never met someone who exuded the radiance of my friend at school before she turned, but I have met many who have been similar to her after she had. Without knowing what happened to any of them, I wonder if it would have been possible for them to choose differently, to become a part of themselves other than what they became. Did those at the other end of the spectrum choose differently?
I feel that more of us are becoming enmeshed, trapped into a way of life that brings out our worst as we try to escape, but what freedom requires, is our best. Maybe hope comes from being able to see through to the other side, but perhaps inevitably, we are all destined to fail.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]