We've all had those moments. For some reason, they always seem to occur in front of the bathroom mirror. There are mirrors all over the place, but for one reason or another, the bathroom mirror stares us in the eye like no other. Especially in those instances where we doubt ourselves. When those instances become a constant, we see individuals develop what has been termed "low self-esteem".
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First let's define self-esteem. After reading some mid (mediocre) definitions I felt it would be best to piece together my own.
Self-esteem: (1) one's own individual perceived value; (2) self-assurance or confidence in one's own ability to perform.
It seemed necessary to provide those two separate definitions to highlight the fact that these are two distinct states of mind/consciousness that come together to form what we call "self-esteem". Self-worth (1) and self-assurance (2) aren't the same thing. For instance, we all know people who think very highly of themselves, in some cases borderline arrogant, that don't exhibit that same confidence when its time to perform. On the flip side, we also know individuals that are confident and exceptional at certain skills, but who subconsciously downplay their own value and expertise. This is the paradox we must reconcile.
To further clarify the difference between the two components of self-esteem:
Self-Worth is about who you are at the core: your inherent value, moral compass, and sense of personal “goodness”.
Self-Assurance is about what you can do: your belief in your skills, competence, and ability to succeed in specific tasks or roles.
If you're lacking either, you are dealing with some level of low self-esteem.
Now that we understand the components, can you identify your current relationship with self-esteem? Are those energies balanced, or do you find yourself overcompensating? This will help us highlight things we can work on.
Self-Worth
How does low self-worth typically express itself in our lives? Often by lowering our standards (jobs, relationships, diets), by being more frightened of negative feedback than excited about potential success, by committing to behaviors that decrease our "real" value.
These are all manifestations of lack. Lack of a moral compass, lack of courage, lack of a growth mindset. In my own experience, these were the demons I had to face in order to continue on my own path. If we're solving for x, "x" being "high self-worth", we have to incorporate activities that directly oppose those "lack" frequencies. So we need activities/practices that:
- help us foster a well-defined moral compass (philosophy, religion, etc.)
- encourages us to try new things and step outside our comfort zone (e.g. goal setting, join a community)
- allow us to express our goodness (e.g. charity)
Even though these were things I figured out over time through experience, the book "10x is Easier Than 2x" by Dr. Benjamin Hardy, provides the best approach I have seen to combat low self-worth. While it wasn't created as a solution for it directly, the perspective that this book instills on the reader will have that effect by default.
The concept from the book that speaks most to our problem is what Dr. Hardy calls "raising your standards". We touched on how lowering our standards can lead to low self-worth. This tackles our issue head-on. We are to set impossible or "stretch" goals, then raise our standards to align with those goals. When it comes to self-worth, the most impactful method for raising standards is operate from the future self (that you most want to become). The author calls this "using your future to shape your present".
Also, let's note that the author refers to our standards as our actual identity because it is what we say "no" and "yes" to. The book then goes on to share how prioritizing activities that will greatly enhance your life qualitatively, can lead to 10x growth in whatever arena of life you want to apply the same strategy. So what does raising your standards look like? This illustration sums it up.
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See, if we're really pushing ourselves to achieve 10x results in any arena, there are only a few ways to get there. But there are an unlimited number of ways to make mediocre improvements. Our standards are what allows us to direct our attention and intention towards 10x growth.
A great illustration from the book is as follows:
A question was asked at a business mastermind - "If you needed to increase your profits by 10%, how would you do it." After a few guests tried at the question, one of the guests seemed to have had enough and stated, "This is actually a really bad question".
He went on to elaborate that its a bad question because there are an infinite number of things you can do to make mediocre improvements, meaning the goal isn't big enough to create focus, excitement, and specificity. Setting the impossible goal i.e., raising our standards, on the other hand will help us identify the 1 or 2 conditions that will have the greatest impact or highest possible upside.
By raising your standards, you don't spend any time on "low-level" activities that don't equate to growth.
Self-Assurance
While self-worth molds who we believe we are at the core, self-assurance defines what we believe we can do. This distinction is crucial. It explains why even highly skilled individuals sometimes struggle to take action or embrace opportunities that align with their capabilities.
How does low self-assurance typically manifest itself in our daily lives? Often through patterns of self-sabotage. We procrastinate on important projects, avoid opportunities for advancement, or downplay our achievements with phrases like "I got lucky". These behaviors aren't just habits, they're defense mechanisms that keep us safely within our comfort zone, shielded from the possibility of failure.
But here's where it gets interesting. Unlike self-worth, which often requires some internal commitments, self-assurance can be built through deliberate practice. Think of it like building muscle memory. Each small success creates a neural pathway that strengthens your belief in your abilities.
The key to developing robust self-assurance lies in starting where we are and acknowledging the small wins.
- Start with what you know you can do well
- Push slightly beyond your current capabilities
- Document your successes, no matter how small
- Use these documented wins as evidence to challenge your limiting beliefs
This approach aligns perfectly with what psychology researchers term "progressive mastery". This is the idea that confidence grows through accumulated evidence of capability. But here's the crucial part that many miss: it's not just about collecting wins; it's about intentionally interpreting those wins as proof of your competence.
Consider this: When you successfully complete a project at work, do you attribute it to your skills and preparation, or do you diminish it as "just doing your job"? The difference between these two interpretations marks the boundary between building and undermining self-assurance.
We need to create a mental "competence portfolio" - a collection of evidence that counters our doubts with concrete examples of our capabilities.
This isn't about developing an inflated sense of ability, but rather about achieving clarity about what you can truly do – and then using that clarity as a foundation for growth.
The Path Forward
Looking in that bathroom mirror now feels different, doesn't it? We've unpacked the complex relationship between who we are and what we can do, revealing that self-esteem isn't some static trait we're born with. Instead it's a dynamic force that has multiple components.
Remember when we talked about those two distinct energies, self-worth and self-assurance? They're like roots and branches of the same tree. Your worth provides a foundation, drawing strength from your core values and the standards you set for yourself. Your assurance represents the branches reaching upward, growing stronger with each small victory.
In the end, self-esteem is about embracing the journey.
Peace & Light ✨