Imagine the most notorious criminal you know saying, "Under my coat is a weary heart, but a kind one—one that would do nobody any harm." You might think he is also the biggest comedian ever. Well, this is an example of how everyone feels justified in their own books. It is why criticism is futile in dealing with people because it always puts a person on the defensive, making them want to justify themselves.
This is only the tip of the iceberg of Dale Carnegie's book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, where he teaches the most effective way to interact with people.
At the beginning of this year, I made plans to become a reader, and I selected 12 books that I would like to read. The first is this book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, which I just recently completed. I will be sharing my thoughts on it in this article.
I discovered the book from a friend some years ago during my freshman year at the university. Its title was enticing—not that I was a loner, but I just wondered what such a tiny book could say about what it claims. I started it then and got hooked, but not for too long; I never finished it. This time, I did finish it, and I am glad I came back for it for its wealth of knowledge and teachings on effective interpersonal relationships.
Summary
How to Win Friends and Influence People is a self-help book written by Dale Carnegie that teaches on how to improve interpersonal skills, and it is split into the following parts:
Fundamentals techniques in handling people, Dale discusses how to handle people by focusing on principles such as not criticizing, giving honest appreciation, and arousing an eager want in others.
The second part, Six ways to make people like you, focuses on impressions that could put one in a good light, like being genuinely interested in other people, smiling, and remembering people's names. Subtle things like these go a long way.
The third part elaborates on how to win people over to your way of thinking and covers topics such as avoiding arguments, admitting when you're wrong, and getting the other person to say "yes" immediately.
The fourth and final part talks on leadership and gives tips on how to effectively lead, like giving praise and appreciation, using encouragement rather than punishment, and helping others save face.
Big Takeaways for Me
"Any fool can criticize—and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving." This is a quote I love from the book. It reminds me of how ineffective criticism is with people. Criticism is a stab at a person's sense of self-worth, and it never settles well. Rather than fall into the trap of responding naturally by condemning, there are tactful ways to get your message across.
"Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise." This is another quote that reminds me of the power of appreciating others. It is more effective at getting the best out of people.
Speaking of appreciation, it is quite the norm for people to give insincere and shallow praises—basically, flattery—to get what they want from people. Discerning people can tell the difference: one is heartfelt, and the other is just selfish.
There is this itch one may feel when another person claims something that's wrong, and we know that it's wrong. One may be tempted to let the person know that they are wrong. Well, Dale elaborates on how easy it is to make enemies in his book with these words of his: "If you can't be right 55% of the time, then why should you tell people they are wrong?"
Winning an argument is naturally our aim when we join one. We want to prove to the other person our points and probably make them accept them too. It just won't work. Why? Well, because the other person is still of the same opinion after the argument, even if they are wrong. It's more like implying that their cognitive reasoning is inferior. Dale teaches that the best way to get the most out of an argument is to avoid it and to show respect for the other person's opinions.
There are a plethora of takeaways for me, but I'd like to keep it simple and not spoil all the fun at this point.
How I felt about the book
It is a really practical book. There are many anecdotes of people that make the book engaging and kept me amused and entertained. It is a book that one should take their time to read to really get immersed in its wisdom.
I would admit, though, that it felt like it was taking a while to finish it, but what kept me going was the fact that I kept finding new knowledge and insights in each chapter; that kept me eager about what could come next.
Dale's writing style is really engaging. It endeared itself to me right from the beginning. I have learned more about how to write well from the way he wrote the book; I have also learned how to effectively communicate my thoughts, especially with anecdotes.
One thing about this book that may be a little challenging, however, is the fact that it was first published in 1936. There are many words that I had to check for as they are not exactly what we use these days. I guess that's what slowed me down for the most of it. But it's a good thing, though. I learned a lot of new words, and even though I don't remember most of them, it felt good to learn about them.
In short...
I have learned how to be a much better person and how to interact effectively with people. I am not in any way perfect—I am far from it still—but I have been enlightened on how to do better and be better.
I wish I had taken more notes as I read the book. I find myself needing to go back to the book to remember certain things. I did make notes for a lot of parts, but not everything. I felt I was being slowed down by making notes.
I will eventually revisit this book. In a couple of weeks, or maybe months, I will read this book all over again. This is so I can get its teachings and insights deeper into my heart and they do not depart from me. I will continue to revisit the book regularly. And surely, I will take better notes then.
I feel better about making reading a part of my life now. Atomic Habits is the book I am reading now, and I am also learning a lot from it as well. You can find the books I have stacked to read here. Surely, I will share about them too.