In this chapter, I’ll share about some of the core principles of Practical
Empathy and some of the typical connection-harming behaviors we can change.
We are usually responsible for our own feelings
Most agree that if a person is the recipient of physical force, it is the person
who initiated the violence who is responsible for how the victim feels. But what
can be less clear is when the interaction was a purely verbal one.
I like to begin from a place of “we are responsible for our own feelings” and
give each other some leeway to share responsibility if someone is screaming in
our face or otherwise “pushing our buttons” with blatant verbal attacks.
Even then, when someone is “pushing hard,” maybe even with the intent to hurt
feelings, we have the opportunity to respond with grace or even empathy. We are
not obligated to take anyone’s words personally. And it is usually healthier
for us if we do not. Are you beginning to see the ways this can mean empowerment
for you?
I’m reminded of Becky Bailey, author of Conscious Discipline, saying something
like the following:
“No one can make you happy or angry without your permission. People do not make
us happy or angry; they trigger our emotions. Whomever or whatever you place in
charge of your feelings, you have placed in charge of you.” (paraphrased)
This is an example of the relationship between responsibility and power. Think
about how you deal with someone “insulting” you and how you would like to
respond. How do your choices of response affect you, the person you are
responding to, and those who are observing?
Finally, sometimes situations like this, whether you believe you share in the
responsibility or not, may be worth considering from a perspective of, "Is there
some way less than obvious that I may have contributed to this situation
happening?"
Consent required
PE teaches that we want others to do what we want only if and when they want to
do it. So we don’t guilt, shame, blame, advise, or demand. As Marshall
Rosenberg, the author of Nonviolent Communication, would say, when you coerce
others to get what you want, you will at some point pay the price.
In a later chapter, “The basics,” we’ll talk about the fourth component of the
beginner formula, “positive do–able request” and look deeper into consent and
how it integrates with the rest of this system.
Evaluation
(includes moral judgment)
"They don’t deserve you."
“Good boy!”
“Bad girl!”
“He’s a loser.”
“His hair looks stupid.”
“The film was awesome!”
“You did the right thing.”
Evaluating – positive or negative – tends to reduce connection and can reinforce
an authoritarian mindset. Taken literally, evaluations assume “knowing all.” I
like to call evaluations “pronouncements of Universal truth”.
So how do we express our preferences, analysis, and judgments without using
evaluation?
One way is to shift to value judgment:
"They don’t deserve you." becomes “Do you wish they appreciated your
competence?”
“Good boy!” becomes “I really appreciate what you just did because…”
“Bad girl!” becomes “I am worried about what you just did because…”
“He’s a loser.” becomes “I’m disappointed in his performance…”
“His hair looks stupid.” becomes “I am not fond of his haircut…”
“The film was awesome!” becomes “I liked the film because of the mental
stimulation I got…”
“You did the right thing.” becomes “I really appreciate what you did because I
value integrity.”
For a deeper dive into evaluation, see the chapter by that name.
Guilt
“Don’t you care about how that affects mom?”
“You really hurt my feelings when you said…”
“That is disgusting behavior!”
“If you really loved me, you would do it.”
Guilt and shame may use moral judgment or evaluation to try to modify others’
behavior and/or cause them to regret their choices. Guilt and shame are
supported by the idea that there is something is “wrong” with us or our
behavior.
“Don’t you care about how that affects mom?” becomes “I’m worried about how that
affects mom.”
“You really hurt my feelings when you said…” may or may not need changing
because sometimes we want to share how another person’s actions affect us. A
slight change here can reduce the chances of being taken as “guilting”: “When
you said…, I felt some pain because I want more consideration.” Notice how the
modified statement takes more responsibility for how we feel based on some
stimulus?
“That is disgusting behavior!” becomes “As I see and hear you chewing with your
mouth open, I feel some disgust and wonder if you would be up for closing your
mouth while you chew?”
“If you really loved me, you would do it.” becomes “I feel torn: While I feel
disappointed, I want to respect your opinions. Are you willing to talk about the
feelings and needs underlying your choice?”
“How do you feel?”
Here’s one that I find to be controversial sometimes in my Practical Empathy
groups. The discussion often begins when I share how the PE way promotes
guessing of feelings and needs over open–ended “how are you” or “how do you
feel” type questions. But first let’s back up, examine the point they are
making, and empathize with it.
A benefit of open–ended questions is that we are embracing the other person’s
ability to know exactly how they feel and be confident in sharing that
information. I’m a fan of giving the benefit of the doubt! Yay for choosing to
see or assume the best in people!
And then there is reality.
What if I told you open–ended “how do you feel” type questions can invite
self–evaluation and even dishonesty? Let’s look at these two potential “cons”.
Self–evaluation
When you ask someone how they feel, how often do you hear the following?
- “Fine.”
- “Good.”
- “Tired.”
- “Awesome!”
Notice these are mostly not even feelings? Notice how they are evaluations?
Later we go deeper into evaluation in a chapter of its own.
OK so that was pretty simple, right? So what’s next?
May invite dishonesty
When you ask someone how they feel, how could you be inviting dishonesty? This
one is easier to describe by talking about the corresponding positive result we
are more likely to get when guessing at a feeling. So we’ll explore some of the
benefits of explicitly guessing feelings, starting with benefits that can make
honesty easier for the other person.
Some benefits of guessing feelings and needs
- Giving the other person an “out” to express something potentially risky or
difficult to speak about. If you would like some examples of this, I invite
you to read the section titled “Giving your lover an out” section of the
“Romantic relationships” chapter. To summarize: You are giving them
permission to admit something that they may have thought might cause you
pain or be outside of your range of understanding. By guessing at this, you
help them in their struggle to share what is true for them. - Showing effort. The other person may appreciate you taking the time and
making the effort to guess at their feelings and needs, rather than the
easier fallback of “How are you?” - Exercise imagination and empathy skills. Every time you push yourself to
guess at feelings and needs, you are exercising and growing! - Showing vulnerability and courage. Here we are exercising or ability to push
against our own fears of being transparent, authentic, making mistakes, and
being wrong! Taking risks like this can also increase others’ trust and
respect for you as a person who exhibits courage and is less likely to allow
fear to reduce your authenticity. - Calibration. Repetitive use of the PE method of empathy increases the amount
of information you take in and can increase your intuition and your ability
to detect untruths. We’ll go deeper into this in the “Intuition: Truth
detection and more” chapter.
Turn negatives into positives
Before I say what this means, I’ll say what it doesn’t mean. Ironic, given we
are talking about substituting positives for negatives, eh? You’ll see.
What this does not mean is reassurance, working to turn a frown upside down, or
otherwise pushing for one’s self or others to “look at the bright side.”
OK so what is it about? Here are some examples:
We convert “Aha! I had forgotten where my keys were” into “Aha! I remembered
where my keys were!”
We convert “Stop running on that hard slippery surface” into “Please walk
slowly…”
We convert “I wish you wouldn’t be so mean to me” into “I would like to
experience more kindness from you [now we add in specificity because ‘kindness’
can mean many things] by bringing me flowers and an original poem written by you
every day.”
Those are my examples. Here’s one I remember from Marshall’s book (totally
paraphrased):
“Honey, I wish you wouldn’t stay at work so late!” Spouse: “Okay. Tomorrow I
won’t stay at work so late.”
The next night he comes home at the same late hour. She’s fuming mad and says,
“Uh. I thought we agreed you would be home earlier!?”
He replies, “No. We agreed I wouldn’t stay at work so late, so I left at 5pm and
went to the bar with some buddies.”
See here how asking for what we want can be more clear and productive than
asking for what we don’t want? This practice will help you in many ways,
including when dealing with wish-granting djinn.
Djinn: “What do you wish for, Master of the Lamp?”
Hero: “To never die!”
Our hero finds himself living forever, safe from death… by being trapped in the
djinn’s bottle, with the djinn now free.
Giving advice
“You obviously have to…”
“You need to…”
“Why don’t you…?”
"What you should do..."
How often do you think you share an experience or thoughts with someone and you
want them to give you advice vs hear and understand you? Now I’ll share my
opinion: I bet people far more often want empathy than they do advice. Giving
advice without first asking permission can come across as pushy, judgmental, and
assumptive. By “assumptive,” I mean it is akin to assuming you know better than
the person you are advising.
Of course, if they asked you for advice, go for it! But if not, and you are
burning to share your infinite omniscient wisdom with them, ask their
permission!
“Wow that is an intense situation! While knowing you may have much to gain by
solving it yourself, I want to contribute. But first, are you up for hearing an
idea I have about this?”
Or, if you want to be more succinct: “That’s intense! Are you up for hearing an
idea I have about that?”
We may advise because we care about a person and want the best for them. Giving
advice without consent is not empathetic; it pushes information we want them to
have. It may also deny them the chance to find their own answers.
It may send the message that we do not have confidence in their abilities.
Advising can contribute to dependence.
Values/needs potentially associated with advice include nurturing, contribution,
meaning, power, recognition, being heard, and connection.
Note: Advice is not a “no no” across the board. I like to go by a general rule
of, “Do not give advice until I’ve thought out the pros and cons of giving
advice vs allowing them to find their own answers. Then, if I’ve decided I still
want to give advice, I ask their permission.
Finally, like most things, this is not a black and white concept. There are ways
to offer hints and clues in place of full on answers. We can even ask questions
that might stimulate the other person to think along paths they may have not
considered. Keep in mind that this method may have some overlap with attempting
to influence or control another person’s path.
Reassurance
Spoiler: “shutting down” is one potential interpretation.
Reassurance is similar to advice. Where it can overlap is the appearance of
assuming we know better than the other person. In this case, it might be wanting
to change their mood for the better or giving them more confidence. Much like
advice, reassurance usually comes from the heart because of a sincere desire to
improve the other person’s life.
How do you think reassurance can be either annoying to receive or even
destructive?
Because some of you may want to try answering that question without possible
answers being fed to you, I’ll leave some blank lines here before continuing.
Back to it: In what ways can reassurance be annoying or even destructive?
When you generally tend to care about people, you may wish at times to reassure
someone for the purpose of cheering them up or increasing their confidence. We
talk about what can be or should be, instead of sharing in their world as it
is right now. We may be taking away and opportunity for them to be in their
sadness or discomfort and find their way out when the time is right for them.
Also, we may be conveying the message that their feelings are to be hidden or
feel ashamed of.
Some values/needs potentially associated with reassurance: nurturing, meaning,
connection, power, and contribution.
Is reassurance always a “no no”? I don’t think so. Sometimes reassurance is
appropriate. This is why I counsel you to first ask yourself, “Do they really
need reassurance? What will happen if I don’t give this?” Now if you decide you
really want them to have reassurance, ask their permission before offering it
up.
How might that look?
“Wow I’m noticing your situation and I’ve gone through something similar! I have
an idea you may not have thought of. Would you like to hear it?”
In the next chapter we will go deeper into the pros and cons of reassurance and
when it is useful.
“I’m disappointed in myself for the way I handled that situation.”
Reassurance: “You did your best. You will do better next time.”
Thoughts: “Uhm… duh? I’m self–correcting and really didn’t need you to assume I
need or want your emotional support in this situation. Maybe next time I’ll keep
it to myself.”
So there’s an example of annoying, heh. Now for an example of destructive:
“Dad I’m scared.”
Reassurance: “It will be okay, son! Don’t be afraid. There’s nothing to be
afraid of.”
Message received: “Fear is an ugly/bad emotion. Hide it or find a way to get
past it without actually facing and addressing the source of the fear.”
Now, of course, this done one time is not going to do obvious damage to the
child. But think cumulative! How does a person turn out if their entire
childhood was filled with messages that their feelings don’t really matter and
especially if their feelings are the “ugly/bad” ones, we must find a quick way
out via distraction! What will those distractions be? Blame, food, drugs, sex,
or even self–harm?
Some empathetic alternatives to the reassurance:
“When it’s dark in here, do you worry that hidden monsters will attack?”
“When your character dies in the game, do you get frustrated because you value
competence and contributing to your team winning?”
“When she canceled the date because she had to wash her cat, did you feel angry
because you wanted connection or was it more about trust that she was being
honest?”
Some reasons people reassure
Below are a few needs one might be meeting by offering reassurance.
Nurturing. We are fed by the act of nurturing the growth of others.
Comfort. Their comfort or yours. It can be disconcerting to see, hear, or
imagine the hopelessness in another person, especially those close to us!
Healing. We may hope to help the person heal trauma.
Love. We care about them and want them to see beyond their current
situation.
Can you think of others?
Potential benefits
That all said, sometimes reassurance is desired or needed! A person can be in a
super dark place with no hope or even starving for a chance to have some pizza.
In those kind of situations, reassurance might be needed. Sometimes you will
just know they need it. Otherwise… can you guess what I’m going to say?
Ask their permission!
And remember: some benefits that may stand out, stemming from where the
temptation to reassure comes from, include meeting needs for nurturing, growth,
comfort, healing, and love.
Compliments
Here’s one that can be quite a challenge. How does one give compliments without
evaluation, sounding manipulative or just wrong, or creating dependency?
First, I’ll show what is meant by those three potential issues:
(a) Evaluation
“You are so beautiful!”
“What a fatty!”
“Wow you are smart!”
(b) Sounding manipulative or just wrong
Thoughts the recipient of your compliments may have:
“Really? What do you want from me?”
“I don’t see myself that way.”
“Are you being sarcastic?”
As you may imagine, sometimes compliments can foster distrust or even derision.
How so? Have you ever heard the saying that goes something like, “I’d never be
part of a group that would want me”? What does that mean? Basically, a person
who has a negative self–image may often lose respect for people who do not see
how terrible a person they are. So being kind to a person who sees themselves as
unworthy of kindness can sometimes yield results opposite of what was hoped
for.
(c) Creating dependency
Sometimes, when giving compliments over a period of time, we can inadvertently
condition a person to want or even think they need that reinforcement from
outside themselves.
But how do we let someone know we honestly enjoy something about them?
Now that we see some of the issues around compliments, let’s look at ways we can
express our admiration, etc., in a more productive way without sounding like
complete dorks.
One way is to focus on our feelings and needs/values, i.e., empathy for self
out loud.
“You are so smart!” becomes “I really like hanging out with you because I
value mental stimulation.”
“You are so healthy!” becomes “When I’m with you, I feel inspired to do more
of what it takes to be more healthy.”
“Your hair is beautiful!” becomes “I love how your hair shines in the
sunlight.”
“You are so generous and helpful!” becomes “Thanks for helping. I really
appreciate the support!”
“This book is so great!” becomes “I find myself repeatedly smiling as I read
this book because it’s meeting my needs for humor, growth, and mental
stimulation! Where can I send bitcoin to show my appreciation?”
Note: We speak more on this topic in the chapter on evaluation.
Apology
If there is no “bad” (evaluation) and no blame (diagnosis), how can we be sorry?
Why should we be sorry? I see “sorry” as part of the blame game, whether it is
aimed at yourself or others. But how can we express this in a more healthy way
that embraces responsibility by using your feelings and/or needs/values words,
right? Regret and/or mourning.
More on judgment
What can be healing for people is not that game where we agree that we’re bad or
did a bad thing, but rather going inside and seeing what needs of ours were not
met by the behavior. And when we are in touch with that, we feel a different
kind of suffering. We feel a natural suffering, a kind of suffering that leads
to learning and healing, not to guilt or self mutilation.
We may recognize our feelings of regret and needs for mourning. We may
acknowledge how our actions affected ourselves and others.
Now we will back up for a moment and look at this from a slightly different
angle inspired - as much of this is - by Marshall Rosenberg:
Domination systems require guilt
The idea of penitence is to get people to change. First you have to get people
to see what jackasses they are. That's why one of the first things many children
are taught is to say, "Sorry.'
Parent: Say you are sorry.
Child: I'm sorry I ate the cat.
Parent: You're not really sorry. I can see on your face you are not really
sorry.
Child: (starts crying) I'm sorry!
Parent: I forgive you. Let's get a creamy frozen sugar treat to seal the
indoctrination!
Giving away your power
Depending of course on the situation - we may be giving away some of our power
when we apologize.
"I'm pissed off that you didn't stop that rain from getting me all wet!"
One approach: "Oh! I'm so sorry! Let me buy you new dry clothes and an
umbrella!"
Or: "Are you feeling uncomfortable and annoyed by the rain and wish you had an
umbrella?"
This is an example of how one person may try - consciously or subconsciously -
to place blame on you for something that is really their own responsibility. We
can affirm their blame or we can choose to empathize, which may even gently
point out who is really responsible or at least leave space to consider that
they are responsible for their own situation.
Leading to - on the other end of the spectrum we may encounter...
Honorable mention: The Purple Speckled Neversorryoid
For some, apology may feel uncomfortable because of strong values for certainty,
accuracy, competence, and respect.
Integrity and habit
Now here is a key: While the distinction may seem small in the context of "do I
say sorry or do I say I did that thing to meet my need for comfort or ease?":
This "small" thing is part of a much bigger thing around judgment and
acceptance.
It's like the difference between
"I will tell truth in these [low impact] situations but not these others" vs "I
will tell truth in all situations"
vs
"I'll practice empathy for people I dig but not people I don't like."
To me it's about integrity and habit. Much easier to build a habit for
acceptance when practicing it across the board, even in situations where "sorry"
vs "I regret" / "I'm mourning that choice" have no obvious difference and
"sorry" may even seem more efficient or convey the fullness of the humility you
wish to express or just sound more natural.
Spectrum
Finally not finally, I do not see use of apology as black & white. Some
practitioners of NVC (which inspired my creation of PE), can be pretty
surprisingly black & white with a hard rule against apologies. If you go deeply
into NVC you may find the author (now deceased) would probably have advocated
for a more nuanced approach and I agree. To be fair, he did speak of expressing
“regret” as a useful alternative. I apologize fairly freely myself, but with
care, intention, and awareness that while I'm getting the value I want from
using "sorry," I'm also giving some power to the right/wrong paradigm.
Absolutes and Black & White Thinking
Don’t define your world in black and white
because there is so much hidden in the grays.
I’ll use trust as an example here. When you think of how much you trust people,
do you think in terms of:
(A) I either trust them or I don’t.
or
(B) My trust for a person has a range from “no trust” or “very little trust”
through “a good amount of trust” all the way to “high amount of trust” to “trust
this person with my life and all my secrets”.
| Black & White | Nuanced or Empathetic |
|---|---|
| "You never want to do what I want to do!" | “I’m feeling some concern that we haven’t wanted to do the same thing three weekends in a row.” |
| "You always say that!" | |
| “She hasn’t replied in an hour. She must hate me and is avoiding me! This always happens.” | “Maybe she’s taking some time to herself to recharge.” |
| “He cared to ask about my third breast. What a prince! He’ll love me forever!” | “I like that he is often curious about me.” |
| “I got it wrong. I never make smart choices!” | “I wasn’t at my very best. I’ll study more next time. |
| “You did so well! You are the best!” | “Are you excited that you did better this time?” |
| “You always fart at the dinner table!” | “I noticed you farting at dinner and wonder if you would be up for doing it in the other room next time?” |
Binary
Before I go further, I want to define a word that not everyone is familiar with
in terms of English. Binary. It means there are only two choices. For the
purposes of this article, I’m going to use “binary” interchangeably with “black
& white”.
I’ll get right to it. My opinion. If you see trust as a binary thing, you are
short changing yourself and your relationships. Let’s look at some examples:
You are driving on the highway. You trust the people all around you to not hit
your car with theirs. Do you trust them 100%? Or do you think there is a tiny
chance they could hit your car? If you think there is a miniscule chance they
can hit your car and you are a black & white thinking, does this not mean you
don’t trust them? But if you drive at all, then maybe your conscious thought
that trust is binary is in conflict with our subconscious thought that you don’t
100% trust other drivers to not hit you?
A close friend tells you a harmless lie. But it impacts your trust. Do you
choose to not trust them at all and forever or do you trust them a bit less than
before? Which choice has more potential for increasing the health of the
relationship by leaving open the possibility trust can be rebuilt? If you choose
to honestly tell your friend how you feel, is it more effective to say, “I don’t
trust you any more,” “I trust you less than before,” or “I want to trust you
more?”
Mainstream diagnosis
Just so you know, there is a term for black & white thinking in the DSM
(Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). The disorder is called
“Splitting”. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Splitting_(psychology).